Day 146--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whew, had a little bit of a Day mix up but I went back and corrected it. Officially Day 146.
So... looks like I spoke too soon when I said that it hadn't looked much like winter - it's snowing now. Doesn't look like it's stopping anytimes soon. Great.
Not much to do around here when it's snowin on a Sunday. Just cleanin my room then going down to Rec later.
Oh, almost forgot to mention, Karlee is in the hospital right now. Barb - our dorm staff - came and took her about half an hour ago. We're afriad she might have Appendicitis. Good thing is, if she does, we've caught it way ahead of time.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Day Pass
Day 145----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like the new update to the blog? My second favorite holiday is Valentine's Day because I love the colors. It hasn't looked much like winter for a few weeks now so I thought I'd change the dreary old theme to this new one. Besides, I couldn't wait any longer!
Jamie, Scott (my ICL brother, one of Jamie's best friends, and a fellow trade member), and I went out on Day Pass today. I'm not sure if I've explained Day Pass to you, but it's an opportunity the center gives students every Saturday so they may go into Yakima to the mall or Walmart.
Anyway, we ended up seeing an old HER student, Michael, for a few minutes. He's going into Basic Training for the Army in a few days, so of course the boys (and everyone else on the bus for that matter) were excited to talk to him.
Once we had some small talk and got tired of standing in the parking lot (we must have been there a good 15 - 20 min), Jamie, Scott, and I took off to go window shopping. I was a little embarrassed, the boys turned out to be better shoppers than I am. I never have been a compulsive buyer, at least not when it comes to clothing or anything over $20. I'm not a browser and I never go shopping unless I know exactly what I'm looking for or have something specific in mind. I'm also cheapo and I enjoy a good thrift store, but the guys were just going around and around with "Hey, look at this" or "Oh, I wish could buy that". And I couldn't believe the prices! Some of this stuff was totally useless or just an impractical waste of money, yet they "Ooh'd" and "Aah'd" anyway. Although I might not understand the whole process of being an experienced 'shopper', I still had a good time.
Jamie is trying to convince me to hang up the flannel and cowboy boots and put on a pair of skate shoes with a Fox Racing t-shirt, but he has yet to succeed. Slowly but surely though, I think I'm starting to succumb to the dark side. I might look pretty good in those city clothes.
Karlee is mad at me right now. She's upset that I've been 'ditching' her for Jamie a lot. But we didn't really have any set plans. She made it sound like she wanted to spend some quality time with Michael (Kevin's best friend and a brother figure to her) while he was in town, so I let her do her own thing. I also knew that Jamie and I would both be busy tonight and wouldn't be able to see each other, so I wanted to spend time with him this afternoon.
Kevin is gone on PDOF right now (that's paid leave to go find a job on the outside) and he won't be back until Thursday, so I'm her fall back. But the thing is, when Jamie was... doing his own thing, I didn't expect her to stay in the room and mope with me all day. I also didn't expect her to not go down to Rec with Kevin, rather than leave me behind. They need their couple time and I hate being a tag along, so I didn't get upset or anything. Now that it's her turn to be reclusive, it's not okay.
The other day I was like, "I'm going to spend some time with Jamie", and she made me feel bad by saying, "Oh okay, I'm going to sit in here alone and try to sleep, I guess". Wow, way to make me feel like poop.
She also has some family stuff going on at the moment so she's been irritable all day. But I'm not the one who made all this stuff happen. Something bad happens and she takes it out on the world and anyone who happens to get in her way. Try to start a conversation to get her mind off things, and she'll snap at you, getting offended by anything you say. Not really fair, but with Karlee - everyone is liable.
On a good note, I'm really excited about V-day. I'm trying to think up something clever and out of the blue to do for Jamie to celebrate. Not really sure what yet, but I'm brain storming.
Like the new update to the blog? My second favorite holiday is Valentine's Day because I love the colors. It hasn't looked much like winter for a few weeks now so I thought I'd change the dreary old theme to this new one. Besides, I couldn't wait any longer!
Jamie, Scott (my ICL brother, one of Jamie's best friends, and a fellow trade member), and I went out on Day Pass today. I'm not sure if I've explained Day Pass to you, but it's an opportunity the center gives students every Saturday so they may go into Yakima to the mall or Walmart.
Anyway, we ended up seeing an old HER student, Michael, for a few minutes. He's going into Basic Training for the Army in a few days, so of course the boys (and everyone else on the bus for that matter) were excited to talk to him.
Once we had some small talk and got tired of standing in the parking lot (we must have been there a good 15 - 20 min), Jamie, Scott, and I took off to go window shopping. I was a little embarrassed, the boys turned out to be better shoppers than I am. I never have been a compulsive buyer, at least not when it comes to clothing or anything over $20. I'm not a browser and I never go shopping unless I know exactly what I'm looking for or have something specific in mind. I'm also cheapo and I enjoy a good thrift store, but the guys were just going around and around with "Hey, look at this" or "Oh, I wish could buy that". And I couldn't believe the prices! Some of this stuff was totally useless or just an impractical waste of money, yet they "Ooh'd" and "Aah'd" anyway. Although I might not understand the whole process of being an experienced 'shopper', I still had a good time.
Jamie is trying to convince me to hang up the flannel and cowboy boots and put on a pair of skate shoes with a Fox Racing t-shirt, but he has yet to succeed. Slowly but surely though, I think I'm starting to succumb to the dark side. I might look pretty good in those city clothes.
Karlee is mad at me right now. She's upset that I've been 'ditching' her for Jamie a lot. But we didn't really have any set plans. She made it sound like she wanted to spend some quality time with Michael (Kevin's best friend and a brother figure to her) while he was in town, so I let her do her own thing. I also knew that Jamie and I would both be busy tonight and wouldn't be able to see each other, so I wanted to spend time with him this afternoon.
Kevin is gone on PDOF right now (that's paid leave to go find a job on the outside) and he won't be back until Thursday, so I'm her fall back. But the thing is, when Jamie was... doing his own thing, I didn't expect her to stay in the room and mope with me all day. I also didn't expect her to not go down to Rec with Kevin, rather than leave me behind. They need their couple time and I hate being a tag along, so I didn't get upset or anything. Now that it's her turn to be reclusive, it's not okay.
The other day I was like, "I'm going to spend some time with Jamie", and she made me feel bad by saying, "Oh okay, I'm going to sit in here alone and try to sleep, I guess". Wow, way to make me feel like poop.
She also has some family stuff going on at the moment so she's been irritable all day. But I'm not the one who made all this stuff happen. Something bad happens and she takes it out on the world and anyone who happens to get in her way. Try to start a conversation to get her mind off things, and she'll snap at you, getting offended by anything you say. Not really fair, but with Karlee - everyone is liable.
On a good note, I'm really excited about V-day. I'm trying to think up something clever and out of the blue to do for Jamie to celebrate. Not really sure what yet, but I'm brain storming.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Feedback
Day 142---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wanted to apologize to all of my blog readers for possibly boring you with my raving antics or emotionally charged pieces. Seems that's all I can think about these days. *sigh* The glories of being a teenager.
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I would like to especially thank Sarah, my cousin, for sending me such a thoughtful and caring email. I miss you very much and I had forgotten how much I look up to you.
I know what I need to do; focus. Everyone back home, friends and family, are right. I forgot what I came here for. And this isn't the first time I've gotten wrapped up in everyone's life but my own. It's so easy to be swept away here. I think I need to sit down and really think about what I want out of this experience, probably write it down. Sarah was right, I'm not going to get this time back. How will I look back at this in the future? How do I want to see it?
Time to hit the notebook.
I wanted to apologize to all of my blog readers for possibly boring you with my raving antics or emotionally charged pieces. Seems that's all I can think about these days. *sigh* The glories of being a teenager.
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I would like to especially thank Sarah, my cousin, for sending me such a thoughtful and caring email. I miss you very much and I had forgotten how much I look up to you.
I know what I need to do; focus. Everyone back home, friends and family, are right. I forgot what I came here for. And this isn't the first time I've gotten wrapped up in everyone's life but my own. It's so easy to be swept away here. I think I need to sit down and really think about what I want out of this experience, probably write it down. Sarah was right, I'm not going to get this time back. How will I look back at this in the future? How do I want to see it?
Time to hit the notebook.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Story - Part 2
Day 141--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry everyone, I didn't get a chance to finish where I left off a few days ago. Busy, busy, busy.
So after the sweet, yet confusing, encounter with Jamie, he asked if I wanted to go for a walk on the track. Now the track is our special place. It's where we go when we need to get away from everyone. The thing is, we hadn't been on the track since we arrived, much less shared much more than small talk.
Anyway, I agreed and he took my hand and led me outside. I was so astonished that I didn't know what to say. I had a million questions running through my head. I was so angry at him for being so distant for so long, but I was so happy that he was finally showing interest. I wanted to yell and scream at him for making me feel so small and insecure, yet I wanted to just melt into his arms and pretend nothing happened.
Instead, I started a casual conversation, asking him how he was. I didn't know what else to do. After a few attempts of failed small talk, on my end and his, I finally couldn't bear it. I stopped walking and I looked at him. I said, "Do you have any idea how I've felt the past couple weeks? Can you even grasp how lonely I was? I have never felt so utterly helpless in my entire life". All he could say was, "Yeah... I know".
I told him that I had every intention on breaking it off with him that night. And I said I wouldn't have done it happily, but I would do what I needed to take care of myself. That is what I came here for in the first place. I also said that I had heard that he didn't even want to be with me anymore; the only reason he hadn't broken it off was because he didn't want to break my heart. That's what really got to me and finalized my decision. I wasn't about to stand around while everyone watch me being jerked around, and I ceratinly wasn't going to be another teenage girl statistic who would fall to pieces if her boyfriend of 2 months didn't want a relationship anymore.
When he heard that he said that the first bit was true, he hadn't wanted to be with me for a while. He said that he had wanted space and I was pushing the issue too much. He felt smothered and wasn't comfortable anymore. But when he found out Karlee had been encouraging my behavior, he had softened and realized that the feelings he had for me were something he felt he needed to invest more time in. If he wanted to break up with me, he would have. And I believe it.
So after a long talk and a couple of make up kisses and some laughs, it seemed like nothing had changed. Like the past several days had all just been a simple nightmare and I just had to wait until the light of the day broke through. Jamie explained to me that he was upset that he had to come back to Job Corps and he was worried about his mom. She had always been a simple drive or a phone call away, now she was all the way in Haiti and he hadn't heard from her since she left. He had no idea how to get ahold of her and he was simply dealing with his stress the only way he knew how. Jamie learned how to take care of himself his whole life and he said he wasn't going to be able to change that anytime soon.
I said okay. If that's the way it needs to be for him then fine.
And so we lived happily ever after. THE END.
If only.
Yes, the past few days have been great, amazing in fact. He's been so devoted and open. He asks me when he would see me again at the end of a work day, instead of the other way around. He holds my hand, sends me texts, shares his soda, kisses me even though I'm sick (Yes, I'm sick right now. Common cold. Icky).
But there's something that still gets to me...
You know, they say that women are attacted to men who are similar to their fathers. What does that have anything to do with Jamie? He has straight blond hair, very white, blue eyes, stocky, athletic. And my dad is dark skinned, curly dark brown hair (if he had any), brown eyes, and he's a big guy. Opposites, huh? But there is one thing in common-
Jamie never said he was sorry.
After everything. After everything I felt he put me through. All the sadness and loneliness and aggravating guilt. I never got an apology.
Wow. So much like Daddy.
But I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I want this to work and I'm going to trust him. I have to.
Sorry everyone, I didn't get a chance to finish where I left off a few days ago. Busy, busy, busy.
So after the sweet, yet confusing, encounter with Jamie, he asked if I wanted to go for a walk on the track. Now the track is our special place. It's where we go when we need to get away from everyone. The thing is, we hadn't been on the track since we arrived, much less shared much more than small talk.
Anyway, I agreed and he took my hand and led me outside. I was so astonished that I didn't know what to say. I had a million questions running through my head. I was so angry at him for being so distant for so long, but I was so happy that he was finally showing interest. I wanted to yell and scream at him for making me feel so small and insecure, yet I wanted to just melt into his arms and pretend nothing happened.
Instead, I started a casual conversation, asking him how he was. I didn't know what else to do. After a few attempts of failed small talk, on my end and his, I finally couldn't bear it. I stopped walking and I looked at him. I said, "Do you have any idea how I've felt the past couple weeks? Can you even grasp how lonely I was? I have never felt so utterly helpless in my entire life". All he could say was, "Yeah... I know".
I told him that I had every intention on breaking it off with him that night. And I said I wouldn't have done it happily, but I would do what I needed to take care of myself. That is what I came here for in the first place. I also said that I had heard that he didn't even want to be with me anymore; the only reason he hadn't broken it off was because he didn't want to break my heart. That's what really got to me and finalized my decision. I wasn't about to stand around while everyone watch me being jerked around, and I ceratinly wasn't going to be another teenage girl statistic who would fall to pieces if her boyfriend of 2 months didn't want a relationship anymore.
When he heard that he said that the first bit was true, he hadn't wanted to be with me for a while. He said that he had wanted space and I was pushing the issue too much. He felt smothered and wasn't comfortable anymore. But when he found out Karlee had been encouraging my behavior, he had softened and realized that the feelings he had for me were something he felt he needed to invest more time in. If he wanted to break up with me, he would have. And I believe it.
So after a long talk and a couple of make up kisses and some laughs, it seemed like nothing had changed. Like the past several days had all just been a simple nightmare and I just had to wait until the light of the day broke through. Jamie explained to me that he was upset that he had to come back to Job Corps and he was worried about his mom. She had always been a simple drive or a phone call away, now she was all the way in Haiti and he hadn't heard from her since she left. He had no idea how to get ahold of her and he was simply dealing with his stress the only way he knew how. Jamie learned how to take care of himself his whole life and he said he wasn't going to be able to change that anytime soon.
I said okay. If that's the way it needs to be for him then fine.
And so we lived happily ever after. THE END.
If only.
Yes, the past few days have been great, amazing in fact. He's been so devoted and open. He asks me when he would see me again at the end of a work day, instead of the other way around. He holds my hand, sends me texts, shares his soda, kisses me even though I'm sick (Yes, I'm sick right now. Common cold. Icky).
But there's something that still gets to me...
You know, they say that women are attacted to men who are similar to their fathers. What does that have anything to do with Jamie? He has straight blond hair, very white, blue eyes, stocky, athletic. And my dad is dark skinned, curly dark brown hair (if he had any), brown eyes, and he's a big guy. Opposites, huh? But there is one thing in common-
Jamie never said he was sorry.
After everything. After everything I felt he put me through. All the sadness and loneliness and aggravating guilt. I never got an apology.
Wow. So much like Daddy.
But I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I want this to work and I'm going to trust him. I have to.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Story - Part 1
Day 139-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Haven't really been in the mood for writing lately. Thank you all my faithful blog readers who have checked up on my website to read this. I appreciate you bearing with me.
So I almost let him go last week, a few days after my last blog. I had all of the things he gave me on my bed and I really was going to do it. I had a speech all planned out and everything. I was going to walk up to Jamie and say, "I've worked really hard to make this work, and I don't know what happened, but I can't do this anymore. I don't deserve to be treated like this". Then I was going to had him his stuff, including the dog tag he gave me and I was going to walk away.
But that's not how it went. - Let me start from the beginning.
Our staff has recently decided that Tues - Thurs the girls are required to go to a work out session right after trade. It's absolutely mandatory to be there, but not to work out. They set this up because a lot of the girls are a little (or a lot) on the heavy side and although they are interested in losing weight, they are too self conscious to go to the weight room that is always over populated with males. Some don't even want to work out in front of anyone, period. Quite frankly, I don't blame them. So they staff set up this new program where we go to the gym, girls only, and turn all the lights off so you can't really see anyone. Then we work out to this thing called Zumba which is a dance video. They did this one video with kicking and punching and I liked that one a lot more (I can't dance to save my life), but of course I was the only one who liked it.
Anyway, it just so happened that the water was shut off (they're doing construction on center) and after working out I wasn't about to go to dinner all sweaty to give Jamie his things and my goodbye speech, so I had to wait till it was turned back on.
After I got out of the shower, I had a text on my phone and it was Jamie asking if I wanted to meet up at Rec later. I was very... perturbed. I wasn't sure what to expect, but curiosity killed the cat, so I told him I would. Besides, once I finally made it down the dining hall, dinner was over, and everyone was gone anyway. I had to find some scraps in the kitchen.
I left his stuff in my room because a big part of me didn't want to let him go in the first place; I was praying that tonight would be the night that he came around.
I arrived at Rec and I didn't see Jamie, so I went to the student store to chat with my friend that was working that night. Karlee was with me. All of a sudden, I feel a hand slide into my pocket and I turn around to see Jamie. He was giving me his beloved dog tags to hang on to, and he went back to the weight room, giving me a kiss on the cheek before he left. I was so confused and I looked at Karlee; I must have had a pretty helpless look on my face because she just shook her head, not knowing what to think either. He never takes his dog tags off because one belongs to his late father, whom he holds in very high regard, so I'm pretty sure that it was just an excuse to show me he still loved me after all this time.
Haven't really been in the mood for writing lately. Thank you all my faithful blog readers who have checked up on my website to read this. I appreciate you bearing with me.
So I almost let him go last week, a few days after my last blog. I had all of the things he gave me on my bed and I really was going to do it. I had a speech all planned out and everything. I was going to walk up to Jamie and say, "I've worked really hard to make this work, and I don't know what happened, but I can't do this anymore. I don't deserve to be treated like this". Then I was going to had him his stuff, including the dog tag he gave me and I was going to walk away.
But that's not how it went. - Let me start from the beginning.
Our staff has recently decided that Tues - Thurs the girls are required to go to a work out session right after trade. It's absolutely mandatory to be there, but not to work out. They set this up because a lot of the girls are a little (or a lot) on the heavy side and although they are interested in losing weight, they are too self conscious to go to the weight room that is always over populated with males. Some don't even want to work out in front of anyone, period. Quite frankly, I don't blame them. So they staff set up this new program where we go to the gym, girls only, and turn all the lights off so you can't really see anyone. Then we work out to this thing called Zumba which is a dance video. They did this one video with kicking and punching and I liked that one a lot more (I can't dance to save my life), but of course I was the only one who liked it.
Anyway, it just so happened that the water was shut off (they're doing construction on center) and after working out I wasn't about to go to dinner all sweaty to give Jamie his things and my goodbye speech, so I had to wait till it was turned back on.
After I got out of the shower, I had a text on my phone and it was Jamie asking if I wanted to meet up at Rec later. I was very... perturbed. I wasn't sure what to expect, but curiosity killed the cat, so I told him I would. Besides, once I finally made it down the dining hall, dinner was over, and everyone was gone anyway. I had to find some scraps in the kitchen.
I left his stuff in my room because a big part of me didn't want to let him go in the first place; I was praying that tonight would be the night that he came around.
I arrived at Rec and I didn't see Jamie, so I went to the student store to chat with my friend that was working that night. Karlee was with me. All of a sudden, I feel a hand slide into my pocket and I turn around to see Jamie. He was giving me his beloved dog tags to hang on to, and he went back to the weight room, giving me a kiss on the cheek before he left. I was so confused and I looked at Karlee; I must have had a pretty helpless look on my face because she just shook her head, not knowing what to think either. He never takes his dog tags off because one belongs to his late father, whom he holds in very high regard, so I'm pretty sure that it was just an excuse to show me he still loved me after all this time.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Secrets
I wrote this blog about a week ago. I started telling about my day and eventually started venting about things in my life. I posted it overnight and then deleted it the next morning, feeling foolish, young, and naive for the things I wrote about and exposing so much of my feelings to my friends and family. But many people have been asking me how things are with friends (Jamie mostly) so I decided I should pull this out from the attic and share with you how I feel things are going, with out sugar coating them. This blog had been extended with my present thoughts at the bottom.
Day 124-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went on day pass today with Karlee and our friend Kayla. Karlee went shopping for McGee and had to buy a TON of food since McGee is not allowed to go on day pass yet. While the two of them shopped I went to Starbucks to use the Wi-Fi to download books onto my kindle that my mom got me. Other than that the day was pretty uneventful.
You may have noticed that I have been able to write more often recently. Well that is because Jamie and I haven't been spending as much time together. In fact, I've spent most of my time in the dorm since I got here. We were really close before we left for Winter Break. We spent all the hours we could together, often accompanied by Kevin and Karlee. But now it seems that those 14 days apart really tore us apart. When I went to his house on the 31st it was so good to see him. We laughed and talked and it was like Thanksgiving all over again. But after that first day he started to get distant. I figured that it was just because we had to go back the last time we went back he was the same way. Then once we got here it continued. When I asked him what was wrong all I got was an "I don't feel good".
I felt so inadequate. I felt like I should know what to do make him feel better because we used to spend so much time together. So not knowing what else to do I went and did what I do best: rebellion. For some reason it makes me feel like I'm in control of at least something. I went and smoked some cigarettes with some friends that Jamie doesn't like me to hang out with. I quit smoking and hanging out with those people in the first place because his friendship meant more to me. Then of course it turned into one of those wrong place wrong time kind of situations and Jamie walked by. Uh oh. That just made matters worse and definitely put me in the dog house. If there wasn't anything wrong before there certainly was now.
After a whole 24 hours of kicking myself in the ass, Jamie came and talked to me and said that the only reason he was angry was because he cared and he had trusted me to not to stupid things when I knew he didn't like them. He asked me if there was any reason he should trust me and I said no. I kept trying to come up with excuses for my selfish and, quite honestly, childish behavior and I couldn't. They all sounded so lame. So I finally just bit my tongue and apologized. He told me that I'd have to earn his trust again and that it wouldn't happen overnight. So after that I figured it be easier to stay in the dorm if I wasn't hanging out with him or Karlee so I wouldn't be tempted to do something foolish.
I just realized that this all happened on Tuesday, so it's only been four days. Sometimes he doesn't talk to me, just shrugs or gives me a grunt when I ask him things. He won't hug me or make eye contact. It feels like we haven't been friends in ages. But then, sometimes he'll be almost normal and I'll try my hardest to take advantage and reach my heart out towards him. And he'll laugh and play almost like he used to. It feels forced though. Maybe he is still getting used to being back or he's still upset with me. I can understand, it really hasn't been that long. It's just that time goes by so painfully slow here. It feels like I've been back for a month and it hasn't even been a full week.
A Conversation with Myself
What if it's me though? What if I've ruined our friendship? What if I'm not good enough? Maybe I'm too clingy? Or too smart? Maybe I'm abrasive. Maybe I'm narcissistic. What if it's nothing and he's just going through a hard time and can't talk about it? What if I'm just so anxious for time to move faster that I am rushing everything, including my relationships with everyone around me? Maybe I'm so desperate for some familiarities that I'm acting as if my friends here should tell me everything and visa versa.
I have hundreds of 'what if's' and a million more doubts. The list is endless.
Patience.
That's what I'm praying for. I keep telling myself that it's alright, just slow down. It will all even out in time. But how much time? Next week? Next month? Maybe months from now. It all seems so far away. I want things to be alright now. I want to be back to normal. I'll never quite be comfortable here, but when Jamie was right, at least I felt safe.
Before I left, it seemed everything at Job Corps was wrong and the only thing that was right was mine and Jamie's friendship. Now, it seems like I'm finally confident in my job and my studies, and I'm confident I can do well here... but the only thing that isn't working is us.
Faith and Courage
Sometimes I believe that everything happens for a reason. Also, the more honest and comfortable I am with myself, the closer I will feel to God, and the closer the people around me will be.
Even if things don't work out the way I thought, something better will come of it. I'll have learned something that I needed to know. I have to remember that when it seems that everything I have worked for has failed, I'll still have everything I started out with - my Self. And that's all I need to start over.
Day 130------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This post really reveals my feelings about Jamie, but I assume that most of you have caught on. If not, I apologize for the rude and sudden announcement. But it has become a big part of my life here and I felt it was necessary to reveal the truth.
Once again, it hasn't been that long since I wrote that post, but like I said, time passes so slowly. And I've been trying hard not to keep score against him, but here, every moment counts. I have to spend every moment of every day looking at the same people, the same buildings, the same trees, patch of sky, and terrain. Nothing changes. The only thing that really puts any emotion into my life here is my social life, and I hardly have one of those anymore. The days flew by when we were together. I never wanted a day to end because I was spending my moments with Jamie.
He made it not quite so terrible to have to wake up in the morning to see the white brick walls, laying in the bed that has belonged to so many people before me. I had a different reason to be anxious for work to be over; so we could be together. Now, I can't wait to hear the work bell ring so I can go back to the four walls and lay on the bed that isn't really mine. I can't wait till the end of the day so I can stare at the ceiling and will myself into a dreamless sleep. That way I don't have to watch the seconds tick by.
I'm not sure what happened or where we went wrong, and I KNOW it wasn't because of the argument we had. I think that was just an excuse. There's something else on Jamie's mind that has been bothering him for a while. His mom has just gone to Haiti with her church, he hates it here, he wants to go home, and he struggles in school. But how can that be it? He is not the only one who wants to go home. He's not the only one who gets sick when eats the food here. He is not the only one who struggles in school and he's not the only one with loved ones in dangerous places. He is not alone, yet he his isolating himself from the ones who want to help him. He is isolating himself from me.
I feel so helpless, so useless, because I can't fix whatever is broken inside of him. Isn't that what I am supposed to do? Isn't that my job? I've tried everything. I've helped with his homework (done it for him, I should say), stayed away when he said he needed space, came to him when he asked. Been there when he needed me. I've come up from behind him, given him a kiss on the cheek, and asked him how is day was. And I've been the silent girlfriend when he went to go do guys stuff with his buddies. This is when I begin to wonder if I'm even good enough to be with him. Maybe he came to realization that I'm not the amazing person he thought I was.
It didn't used to be this way. Things between me and Jamie used to be so Hollywood. But then again, aren't they always in the beginning? He used to walk me to the dorm and hold me until the last minute I had to go in. We would stand outside in the freezing wind and keep each other warm. He used to smile at me all the time. Hell, he used to joke with me, and he doesn't even do that anymore. He would hold my hand at dinner in front of everyone. He was proud to be with me. Now, I try to hold his hand and he takes it and places in my lap. I see him and he doesn't even say hello, much less kiss me good morning. That's kind of a sure sign things aren't working. But when I talked to him about it he says he doesn't want to break things off. What am I to do?
I hate to leave him now, especially if he really is going through a hard time, and I'm not sure what I would do through out my day knowing it was really over. He gave me a dog tag of his that I never take off, and my neck would feel so light without it. What would I do without the sweatshirt he gave me? And how could I open my closet everyday and not see the hat that I borrowed so long ago that doesn't fit?
I don't understand how things could go so wrong so fast, but Mom always said that I go through my life phases very quickly. My first three and a half months here were like her freshman year in college, and the next six are going to be like her college 'sophomore slump'.
Why does that have to be true with the things I want and love the most. I'm tired of burning the fuses out on love and relationships in my life. Yes, I know, I'm young yet and I have a lot to learn and a whole lot more toads to kiss. But how am I supposed to get through this place alone?
I know that Jamie is not the type to come running back and if I let him go, I let him go forever. He's also stubborn and will never admit to the error of his ways. So I don't know if I should be patient and wait this out, no matter how agonizingly long it takes, or break it off while I still have a bit of my dignity left. I can be alone without a relationship or alone in one.
Why can't I fix this? I'm so angry at myself. I'm so angry I let this happen. I'm so mad for being foolish and getting into a relationship in the first place. I know better! I have been through this before! This is history repeating itself. How could I possibly think that a guy at Job Corps, of all places, would be any different than the ones back home? Or maybe I'm seeing this wrong. How could I think I stand anymore of a chance with the men here as I did back home? Do I have a right to be angry at him? Am I making this up in my head because I am scared he's going to realize what a waste of time I am, like every other man before him? I mean, even my own father couldn't hang around until I was a teenager. (I'm sorry Daddy, I love you, but that's how I feel.) It took John ages to get used to me and I think the only reason he put up with me sometimes is because he loved my mother. Am I that much of a handful? Why can't I be better? Why do I have to be different?
I just want this to be over. I have 451 days until my 18th birthday and I promise you, that is 451 days too long, and 451 days I have to fight to find a reason to stay here.
If I leave him now, I'll be on my own for the next 451 worst days of my life, wasting away, sad, lonely and depressed. And if I stay, I will mean that I will have lied to myself, my friends, and family about the strong woman I've always been. But to be honest with you, I don't feel that strong anymore. I don't remember why I left home because nothing, nothing, could be as bad as this. So I don't think I have anything more to lose. I've already lost pretty much all the virtue I thought I had, so whatever comes of this thing that I call a relationship, I'll probably end up on bottom anyways.
P.S.
Today was our two month marker... I didn't get a kiss. I didn't get a hug. I didn't even get one word. Even though I said "Good morning, I love you. Happy Anniversary."
I'm not even sure if that hurts anymore. How do you break a heart that's already been shattered?
How do change a future that's already been written by the history behind it?
Day 124-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went on day pass today with Karlee and our friend Kayla. Karlee went shopping for McGee and had to buy a TON of food since McGee is not allowed to go on day pass yet. While the two of them shopped I went to Starbucks to use the Wi-Fi to download books onto my kindle that my mom got me. Other than that the day was pretty uneventful.
You may have noticed that I have been able to write more often recently. Well that is because Jamie and I haven't been spending as much time together. In fact, I've spent most of my time in the dorm since I got here. We were really close before we left for Winter Break. We spent all the hours we could together, often accompanied by Kevin and Karlee. But now it seems that those 14 days apart really tore us apart. When I went to his house on the 31st it was so good to see him. We laughed and talked and it was like Thanksgiving all over again. But after that first day he started to get distant. I figured that it was just because we had to go back the last time we went back he was the same way. Then once we got here it continued. When I asked him what was wrong all I got was an "I don't feel good".
I felt so inadequate. I felt like I should know what to do make him feel better because we used to spend so much time together. So not knowing what else to do I went and did what I do best: rebellion. For some reason it makes me feel like I'm in control of at least something. I went and smoked some cigarettes with some friends that Jamie doesn't like me to hang out with. I quit smoking and hanging out with those people in the first place because his friendship meant more to me. Then of course it turned into one of those wrong place wrong time kind of situations and Jamie walked by. Uh oh. That just made matters worse and definitely put me in the dog house. If there wasn't anything wrong before there certainly was now.
After a whole 24 hours of kicking myself in the ass, Jamie came and talked to me and said that the only reason he was angry was because he cared and he had trusted me to not to stupid things when I knew he didn't like them. He asked me if there was any reason he should trust me and I said no. I kept trying to come up with excuses for my selfish and, quite honestly, childish behavior and I couldn't. They all sounded so lame. So I finally just bit my tongue and apologized. He told me that I'd have to earn his trust again and that it wouldn't happen overnight. So after that I figured it be easier to stay in the dorm if I wasn't hanging out with him or Karlee so I wouldn't be tempted to do something foolish.
I just realized that this all happened on Tuesday, so it's only been four days. Sometimes he doesn't talk to me, just shrugs or gives me a grunt when I ask him things. He won't hug me or make eye contact. It feels like we haven't been friends in ages. But then, sometimes he'll be almost normal and I'll try my hardest to take advantage and reach my heart out towards him. And he'll laugh and play almost like he used to. It feels forced though. Maybe he is still getting used to being back or he's still upset with me. I can understand, it really hasn't been that long. It's just that time goes by so painfully slow here. It feels like I've been back for a month and it hasn't even been a full week.
A Conversation with Myself
What if it's me though? What if I've ruined our friendship? What if I'm not good enough? Maybe I'm too clingy? Or too smart? Maybe I'm abrasive. Maybe I'm narcissistic. What if it's nothing and he's just going through a hard time and can't talk about it? What if I'm just so anxious for time to move faster that I am rushing everything, including my relationships with everyone around me? Maybe I'm so desperate for some familiarities that I'm acting as if my friends here should tell me everything and visa versa.
I have hundreds of 'what if's' and a million more doubts. The list is endless.
Patience.
That's what I'm praying for. I keep telling myself that it's alright, just slow down. It will all even out in time. But how much time? Next week? Next month? Maybe months from now. It all seems so far away. I want things to be alright now. I want to be back to normal. I'll never quite be comfortable here, but when Jamie was right, at least I felt safe.
Before I left, it seemed everything at Job Corps was wrong and the only thing that was right was mine and Jamie's friendship. Now, it seems like I'm finally confident in my job and my studies, and I'm confident I can do well here... but the only thing that isn't working is us.
Faith and Courage
Sometimes I believe that everything happens for a reason. Also, the more honest and comfortable I am with myself, the closer I will feel to God, and the closer the people around me will be.
Even if things don't work out the way I thought, something better will come of it. I'll have learned something that I needed to know. I have to remember that when it seems that everything I have worked for has failed, I'll still have everything I started out with - my Self. And that's all I need to start over.
Day 130------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This post really reveals my feelings about Jamie, but I assume that most of you have caught on. If not, I apologize for the rude and sudden announcement. But it has become a big part of my life here and I felt it was necessary to reveal the truth.
Once again, it hasn't been that long since I wrote that post, but like I said, time passes so slowly. And I've been trying hard not to keep score against him, but here, every moment counts. I have to spend every moment of every day looking at the same people, the same buildings, the same trees, patch of sky, and terrain. Nothing changes. The only thing that really puts any emotion into my life here is my social life, and I hardly have one of those anymore. The days flew by when we were together. I never wanted a day to end because I was spending my moments with Jamie.
He made it not quite so terrible to have to wake up in the morning to see the white brick walls, laying in the bed that has belonged to so many people before me. I had a different reason to be anxious for work to be over; so we could be together. Now, I can't wait to hear the work bell ring so I can go back to the four walls and lay on the bed that isn't really mine. I can't wait till the end of the day so I can stare at the ceiling and will myself into a dreamless sleep. That way I don't have to watch the seconds tick by.
I'm not sure what happened or where we went wrong, and I KNOW it wasn't because of the argument we had. I think that was just an excuse. There's something else on Jamie's mind that has been bothering him for a while. His mom has just gone to Haiti with her church, he hates it here, he wants to go home, and he struggles in school. But how can that be it? He is not the only one who wants to go home. He's not the only one who gets sick when eats the food here. He is not the only one who struggles in school and he's not the only one with loved ones in dangerous places. He is not alone, yet he his isolating himself from the ones who want to help him. He is isolating himself from me.
I feel so helpless, so useless, because I can't fix whatever is broken inside of him. Isn't that what I am supposed to do? Isn't that my job? I've tried everything. I've helped with his homework (done it for him, I should say), stayed away when he said he needed space, came to him when he asked. Been there when he needed me. I've come up from behind him, given him a kiss on the cheek, and asked him how is day was. And I've been the silent girlfriend when he went to go do guys stuff with his buddies. This is when I begin to wonder if I'm even good enough to be with him. Maybe he came to realization that I'm not the amazing person he thought I was.
It didn't used to be this way. Things between me and Jamie used to be so Hollywood. But then again, aren't they always in the beginning? He used to walk me to the dorm and hold me until the last minute I had to go in. We would stand outside in the freezing wind and keep each other warm. He used to smile at me all the time. Hell, he used to joke with me, and he doesn't even do that anymore. He would hold my hand at dinner in front of everyone. He was proud to be with me. Now, I try to hold his hand and he takes it and places in my lap. I see him and he doesn't even say hello, much less kiss me good morning. That's kind of a sure sign things aren't working. But when I talked to him about it he says he doesn't want to break things off. What am I to do?
I hate to leave him now, especially if he really is going through a hard time, and I'm not sure what I would do through out my day knowing it was really over. He gave me a dog tag of his that I never take off, and my neck would feel so light without it. What would I do without the sweatshirt he gave me? And how could I open my closet everyday and not see the hat that I borrowed so long ago that doesn't fit?
I don't understand how things could go so wrong so fast, but Mom always said that I go through my life phases very quickly. My first three and a half months here were like her freshman year in college, and the next six are going to be like her college 'sophomore slump'.
Why does that have to be true with the things I want and love the most. I'm tired of burning the fuses out on love and relationships in my life. Yes, I know, I'm young yet and I have a lot to learn and a whole lot more toads to kiss. But how am I supposed to get through this place alone?
I know that Jamie is not the type to come running back and if I let him go, I let him go forever. He's also stubborn and will never admit to the error of his ways. So I don't know if I should be patient and wait this out, no matter how agonizingly long it takes, or break it off while I still have a bit of my dignity left. I can be alone without a relationship or alone in one.
Why can't I fix this? I'm so angry at myself. I'm so angry I let this happen. I'm so mad for being foolish and getting into a relationship in the first place. I know better! I have been through this before! This is history repeating itself. How could I possibly think that a guy at Job Corps, of all places, would be any different than the ones back home? Or maybe I'm seeing this wrong. How could I think I stand anymore of a chance with the men here as I did back home? Do I have a right to be angry at him? Am I making this up in my head because I am scared he's going to realize what a waste of time I am, like every other man before him? I mean, even my own father couldn't hang around until I was a teenager. (I'm sorry Daddy, I love you, but that's how I feel.) It took John ages to get used to me and I think the only reason he put up with me sometimes is because he loved my mother. Am I that much of a handful? Why can't I be better? Why do I have to be different?
I just want this to be over. I have 451 days until my 18th birthday and I promise you, that is 451 days too long, and 451 days I have to fight to find a reason to stay here.
If I leave him now, I'll be on my own for the next 451 worst days of my life, wasting away, sad, lonely and depressed. And if I stay, I will mean that I will have lied to myself, my friends, and family about the strong woman I've always been. But to be honest with you, I don't feel that strong anymore. I don't remember why I left home because nothing, nothing, could be as bad as this. So I don't think I have anything more to lose. I've already lost pretty much all the virtue I thought I had, so whatever comes of this thing that I call a relationship, I'll probably end up on bottom anyways.
P.S.
Today was our two month marker... I didn't get a kiss. I didn't get a hug. I didn't even get one word. Even though I said "Good morning, I love you. Happy Anniversary."
I'm not even sure if that hurts anymore. How do you break a heart that's already been shattered?
How do change a future that's already been written by the history behind it?
Nothing New
Day 130--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things with Karlee and I are going great. I love her as my new roommate. It's like a sleep over 24/7 and I always have someone to talk to.
It dumped a few inches of snow on us the other day but its all gone now, besides the huge piles they made clearing snow from the roads.
I'm doing well in my Driver's Ed class. I think some of the required paperwork is a little excessive, but what can you do?
Time goes by here so slowly. Every day is the same damn thing and I want so badly to be out of here. But I want to leave with a life. So what I really want is for it to be 2012 already. Life is so uneventful, after three days of not posting a blog, I STILL have nothing to write about. Does anyone have a remedy for this nonsense?
Things with Karlee and I are going great. I love her as my new roommate. It's like a sleep over 24/7 and I always have someone to talk to.
It dumped a few inches of snow on us the other day but its all gone now, besides the huge piles they made clearing snow from the roads.
I'm doing well in my Driver's Ed class. I think some of the required paperwork is a little excessive, but what can you do?
Time goes by here so slowly. Every day is the same damn thing and I want so badly to be out of here. But I want to leave with a life. So what I really want is for it to be 2012 already. Life is so uneventful, after three days of not posting a blog, I STILL have nothing to write about. Does anyone have a remedy for this nonsense?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Shopping / Change of Plans
Day 127------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went on my first clothing trip today. Every 3 months they are supposed to give us 100 dollars to spend of clothes at Walmart or Fred Meyer. They were a little late in giving me and my ICL* group our shopping trip because of Christmas Break, but it's good we finally got the chance. We ended up going to Walmart and I bought a whole bunch of camo stuff. Just some cool shirts, a couple of hats, and a pair of insulated sweatpants. They are SO warm. Other than that I didn't get much. I hate buying clothes at Walmart so I only spent $60 total, the other $40 will carry over for my next trip. Hopefully we'll go to Fred Meyer next time and I can get some quality clothing.
As for the change of plans, Karlee is moving in tonight in about 15 minutes when she get back from dinner. They already have someone lined up to take her bed so she's moving sooner than we thought. I kind of liked being alone, I am an only child after all, but at least she likes country music. :-)
*ICL - Introduction to Center Life, for those of you who may have forgotten
-Oh my goodness, I just looked outside the window and it's freaking snowing again. Gosh darn it.
I went on my first clothing trip today. Every 3 months they are supposed to give us 100 dollars to spend of clothes at Walmart or Fred Meyer. They were a little late in giving me and my ICL* group our shopping trip because of Christmas Break, but it's good we finally got the chance. We ended up going to Walmart and I bought a whole bunch of camo stuff. Just some cool shirts, a couple of hats, and a pair of insulated sweatpants. They are SO warm. Other than that I didn't get much. I hate buying clothes at Walmart so I only spent $60 total, the other $40 will carry over for my next trip. Hopefully we'll go to Fred Meyer next time and I can get some quality clothing.
As for the change of plans, Karlee is moving in tonight in about 15 minutes when she get back from dinner. They already have someone lined up to take her bed so she's moving sooner than we thought. I kind of liked being alone, I am an only child after all, but at least she likes country music. :-)
*ICL - Introduction to Center Life, for those of you who may have forgotten
-Oh my goodness, I just looked outside the window and it's freaking snowing again. Gosh darn it.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Moving In
Day 126----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went and got my permit today. I hate how the camera adds like 10 lbs (At least I hope that's what it was... *Damn Christmas cookies*). I start my Driver's Ed training on Thursday.
Karlee is moving into my room on Saturday because her roommate is graduating. I'm glad. Her room is SO COLD. It's only like 50 degrees in there. I hope it works out though, this new arrangement. I hope it doesn't turn into one of those "too much of a good thing" kind of situations. I really don't think it will, in fact it'll be refreshing to live with someone I am 100% comfortable with.
I went and got my permit today. I hate how the camera adds like 10 lbs (At least I hope that's what it was... *Damn Christmas cookies*). I start my Driver's Ed training on Thursday.
Karlee is moving into my room on Saturday because her roommate is graduating. I'm glad. Her room is SO COLD. It's only like 50 degrees in there. I hope it works out though, this new arrangement. I hope it doesn't turn into one of those "too much of a good thing" kind of situations. I really don't think it will, in fact it'll be refreshing to live with someone I am 100% comfortable with.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
New News
Day 125---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever put something in a special place where you were sure you wouldn't lose it, and then forget where you put it? Well I did, and I found that stuff that I was "missing". Kind of embarrasing when I had to tell my dorm staff that I'd found it all. She just laughed and rolled her eyes. I really need to start writing stuff down.
It started snowing this morning. Now we have about three inches. Okay, I can handle this much, but apparently everything east of the Cascades is on a winter storm warning. Official weather reports said to 'Please plan accordingly and be proactive by taking care of errands now and stock an extra supply of food'. Yikes! Must be serious. Not looking forward to it.
My roommate, Michelle, moved out just about an hour ago because she was promoted to Assistant Dorm Chief. I'm pretty excited but I didn't tell her that. As much as I liked her, I am SO glad that I can do whatever I want now. I've been promoted to Bay Leader* so I'm top dog in the living situation now. I have to make sure my baymates to their bay jobs every morning but other than that I don't have a huge responsibility, which I am grateful of. I don't have to worry about waking Michelle up because I like to wake up between 0530 and 0600 and she likes to sleep until 0715 (we have to be out of the dorm by 0745, she likes to push it). I think the one thing I'm most looking forward to though is sleeping without music playing and never having to listen to another pop or rap song. She hates country so I could never play it when she was around, and that's the only thing I like. Now I can listen to whatever I want!
I'm going to get my permit tomorrow! I'm very excited. I have to have it for six months before I can get my Intermediate License. I did the math and hopefully I'll be able to drive by the time I come home for summer break. Hey, Grandpa? I think I'll need to borrow your truck.* ;-)
*A bay is two rooms and the bathroom that connects them
*Don't worry, we'll talk about it when I get home. I already know, no friends, no loud music, and no reckless driving or showing off. We can work out the details. :)
Have you ever put something in a special place where you were sure you wouldn't lose it, and then forget where you put it? Well I did, and I found that stuff that I was "missing". Kind of embarrasing when I had to tell my dorm staff that I'd found it all. She just laughed and rolled her eyes. I really need to start writing stuff down.
It started snowing this morning. Now we have about three inches. Okay, I can handle this much, but apparently everything east of the Cascades is on a winter storm warning. Official weather reports said to 'Please plan accordingly and be proactive by taking care of errands now and stock an extra supply of food'. Yikes! Must be serious. Not looking forward to it.
My roommate, Michelle, moved out just about an hour ago because she was promoted to Assistant Dorm Chief. I'm pretty excited but I didn't tell her that. As much as I liked her, I am SO glad that I can do whatever I want now. I've been promoted to Bay Leader* so I'm top dog in the living situation now. I have to make sure my baymates to their bay jobs every morning but other than that I don't have a huge responsibility, which I am grateful of. I don't have to worry about waking Michelle up because I like to wake up between 0530 and 0600 and she likes to sleep until 0715 (we have to be out of the dorm by 0745, she likes to push it). I think the one thing I'm most looking forward to though is sleeping without music playing and never having to listen to another pop or rap song. She hates country so I could never play it when she was around, and that's the only thing I like. Now I can listen to whatever I want!
I'm going to get my permit tomorrow! I'm very excited. I have to have it for six months before I can get my Intermediate License. I did the math and hopefully I'll be able to drive by the time I come home for summer break. Hey, Grandpa? I think I'll need to borrow your truck.* ;-)
*A bay is two rooms and the bathroom that connects them
*Don't worry, we'll talk about it when I get home. I already know, no friends, no loud music, and no reckless driving or showing off. We can work out the details. :)
Friday, January 7, 2011
Tool Safety
Day 123, 13th Vocational Trade Day -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was thinking about the man made machinery I've been working on and I suppose they did get at least one thing right; they are definitely durable enough to maneuver and manipulate all kinds of material for over half a century!
Anyway, my dad sent me a new pair of welding gloves the other day, and I got to use them for the first time on a saw horse we're making. They're REALLY nice, fit perfectly, and my instructor said he was jealous. :-) Of course I don't know anything about brands of work gear but apparently Daddy does. Whoo, go Daddy!
There wasn't a whole lot going on in trade because we were waiting for parts. We had a "tool safety" class earlier in the day for Heavy Equip Rep, Heavy Equip Op, Carpentry, and Brick Masonry. A Hilti Coperation sales representative came and did a presentation for the students and instructors on Hilti tools. Boring at first, then he started to bust out some really impressive products. The statistics he spat out VS other companies were very convincing, and the instructors who have had experiences with other models were obviously sold. They were asking about prices and availability and catalogues. One of the Carpentry instructors even bought a tool right there on the spot. I personally was impressed, but because I haven't any experience with other models, or even very many tools in general, I can't say I hold an opinion.
Other than that we didn't really do much. Jamie, McGee, and I spent about 3 hours "sweeping". Mostly BS-ing but there was some sweeping involved. Hey, what can I say? We had to extend it somehow so we wouldn't get bored. :-)
I was thinking about the man made machinery I've been working on and I suppose they did get at least one thing right; they are definitely durable enough to maneuver and manipulate all kinds of material for over half a century!
Anyway, my dad sent me a new pair of welding gloves the other day, and I got to use them for the first time on a saw horse we're making. They're REALLY nice, fit perfectly, and my instructor said he was jealous. :-) Of course I don't know anything about brands of work gear but apparently Daddy does. Whoo, go Daddy!
There wasn't a whole lot going on in trade because we were waiting for parts. We had a "tool safety" class earlier in the day for Heavy Equip Rep, Heavy Equip Op, Carpentry, and Brick Masonry. A Hilti Coperation sales representative came and did a presentation for the students and instructors on Hilti tools. Boring at first, then he started to bust out some really impressive products. The statistics he spat out VS other companies were very convincing, and the instructors who have had experiences with other models were obviously sold. They were asking about prices and availability and catalogues. One of the Carpentry instructors even bought a tool right there on the spot. I personally was impressed, but because I haven't any experience with other models, or even very many tools in general, I can't say I hold an opinion.
Other than that we didn't really do much. Jamie, McGee, and I spent about 3 hours "sweeping". Mostly BS-ing but there was some sweeping involved. Hey, what can I say? We had to extend it somehow so we wouldn't get bored. :-)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Machinery Confusion
Day 122, 12th Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just finished installing the hydraulic control valve and the hydraulic filter in the Grove crane, with help from some of the boys of course. This crane was built somewhere in the 1960's and it still surprises me how it still runs. Another thing that I am astonished by is not only how extremely complicated and inefficient it is to work on these machines, but also that through out the years, no one has come up with a better idea on how they should be manufactured. Not to mention that not one piece of machinery is exactly like another. A friend told me that these machines were built to be easily assembled, not to easily maintained. It doesn't seem to be very logical, but then again, they were man made. :-)
Other than that things are going alright. I'm learning A LOT and one of the counselors even said that I was very bright and she hopes to see me enroll in the Job Corps College Program. I've been considering it. Maybe I will do that after advanced training and get my AA degree. Then if I still want to, I can go into the coast guard and become an officer. :-) I think I'd do well in college.
P.S.
My social life is a little rocky right now in case any of you were wondering. But I'm doing my best to work things out. And if I'm careful and considerate, things might turn out the way I hoped after all.
I just finished installing the hydraulic control valve and the hydraulic filter in the Grove crane, with help from some of the boys of course. This crane was built somewhere in the 1960's and it still surprises me how it still runs. Another thing that I am astonished by is not only how extremely complicated and inefficient it is to work on these machines, but also that through out the years, no one has come up with a better idea on how they should be manufactured. Not to mention that not one piece of machinery is exactly like another. A friend told me that these machines were built to be easily assembled, not to easily maintained. It doesn't seem to be very logical, but then again, they were man made. :-)
Other than that things are going alright. I'm learning A LOT and one of the counselors even said that I was very bright and she hopes to see me enroll in the Job Corps College Program. I've been considering it. Maybe I will do that after advanced training and get my AA degree. Then if I still want to, I can go into the coast guard and become an officer. :-) I think I'd do well in college.
P.S.
My social life is a little rocky right now in case any of you were wondering. But I'm doing my best to work things out. And if I'm careful and considerate, things might turn out the way I hoped after all.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Home sweet... Job Corps?
Day 119--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I'm finally back at Job Corps. And first thing I realized once I started unpacking is that some clothes were missing from the ones I left here. Some Sequim sweatpants, my football sweatshirt, double kneed carhartts, Mom's snowflake pj's she sent me a while back, and some assorted sports/ work out clothing. A little bummed but I'll have to live.
I'm almost kind of relieved to be back. At home I struggled to find a purpose to my life. Like there was nothing for me to want, need, or pursue. I moped around on the couch most of the time and I didn't get to see all the people I wanted to see which I'm a little disappointed but that's what happens when you can't drive legally. At least here at Job Corps, I don't have to find something to do to be busy. I just always have something that needs to be done, even if I'm at a constant high stress level. I need to find a median...
I must have been a pretty different person when I came home. Mom, her caregiver, and even my friends noticed a change. Whether it's good or bad I'm not sure. But hopefully I've brought a little bit of the home me back into my life to stay because for a minute there I almost completely lost myself. I don't like the person I become here; anxious, high strung, and pessimistic, just to name a few. I just keep prayin for a little bit more strength.
It was good to be home but it didn't really feel like my home anymore. I felt like I was staying as a guest in my mom's house. Everything is different. The house is remodeled, there are new hardwood floors, my room has new furniture, the chickens aren't even the ones I raised (all but one was eaten and mom got new ones). All these things are good changes. And I'm happy for Mom because I know that she's very excited about it. But it's different for me. Then again, I never really knew the house anyway. We'd moved in April, so I only lived there like 4 or 5 months before I came to Job Corps.
Not only the house, but my friends and even town itself is different. My stepsister Mikayla is living with her boyfriend, Ryan moved, Zach lives with Jeremy, Monica is back in Sequim while her husband, Nathan, is in texas doing Airforce stuff. There's a new Taco Bell, and Ross is comin in along with Bargain Market. They built all new buildings right downtown and they've added an entirely new apartment complex between 101 Diner and Walgreens. I was only gone 3 1/2 months! All different from the Sequim I called home...
So for now I kind of feel like I'm floating around, waiting for my place in this world to be known to me so I may feel right again. I guess that's what happens when you grow up. You can't really appreciate all the warmth and comfort and security your childhood brought until it's not there anymore. I wish that I could go back sometimes. Maybe to the second or third grade, when you're so busy enjoying living that you don't have time to worry if you're living the right way.
The last weekend before coming back to Job Corps, I decided to go visit Jamie in Ellensburg. I'd had enough playing house and I was anxious to be back with a friendly face (sorry Mom, I love you, but you don't count). The Greyhound sucked, I hate the city and the bus was an hour late. I was nervous because I'd never ridden Greayhound before and I've heard some bad stories, but I met some nice people from Tennesee and they helped me out and gave me some coaching. I ended up getting to Ellensburg with me and my bags in one piece.
So Jamie and I spent the last three days... well, doing pretty much nothing, but at least I was doing nothing with someone. I got Jamie a new sweatshirt and some Caterpillar keys for Christmas. Now before you ask or wonder, the answer is no, he didn't get me anything. I don't really mind because that's not what Christmas is about. Besides, I had a good amount of money and nothing really to spend it on, so I spent most of it on gifts for my friends and family.
We didn't do anything for the New Year, just stayed up watching movies and watched some fireworks from the window. I do have New Year's Resolutions though. It's to relax, believe in myself and others, and not worry about so much all the time. It seems I'm going to have to write it on my forehead and stick it to my back so people can remind me what they are. I've only been here a few hours and I'm already stressin' out. I have a hard time remembering that even if things don't turn out they way I carefully and painstakingly planned, it's not the end of the world and the sky will not fall. I'm always worried I'm going to bother the people around me because I'm such a pessimist, but maybe if I didn't worry about it so much, people wouldn't think I was pessimistic. Funny how a cycle like that is so easy to start, and so much harder to break. Good news is, they go hand in hand and if you get rid of one negetivity, you'll get rid of the other.
Anyway, Jamie and I made it on the bus to head back here at 1530 today and ironically, it was the shortest bus ride of my life. When you think about it, I wasn't leaving anything behind. My old life is already gone.
So I'm finally back at Job Corps. And first thing I realized once I started unpacking is that some clothes were missing from the ones I left here. Some Sequim sweatpants, my football sweatshirt, double kneed carhartts, Mom's snowflake pj's she sent me a while back, and some assorted sports/ work out clothing. A little bummed but I'll have to live.
I'm almost kind of relieved to be back. At home I struggled to find a purpose to my life. Like there was nothing for me to want, need, or pursue. I moped around on the couch most of the time and I didn't get to see all the people I wanted to see which I'm a little disappointed but that's what happens when you can't drive legally. At least here at Job Corps, I don't have to find something to do to be busy. I just always have something that needs to be done, even if I'm at a constant high stress level. I need to find a median...
I must have been a pretty different person when I came home. Mom, her caregiver, and even my friends noticed a change. Whether it's good or bad I'm not sure. But hopefully I've brought a little bit of the home me back into my life to stay because for a minute there I almost completely lost myself. I don't like the person I become here; anxious, high strung, and pessimistic, just to name a few. I just keep prayin for a little bit more strength.
It was good to be home but it didn't really feel like my home anymore. I felt like I was staying as a guest in my mom's house. Everything is different. The house is remodeled, there are new hardwood floors, my room has new furniture, the chickens aren't even the ones I raised (all but one was eaten and mom got new ones). All these things are good changes. And I'm happy for Mom because I know that she's very excited about it. But it's different for me. Then again, I never really knew the house anyway. We'd moved in April, so I only lived there like 4 or 5 months before I came to Job Corps.
Not only the house, but my friends and even town itself is different. My stepsister Mikayla is living with her boyfriend, Ryan moved, Zach lives with Jeremy, Monica is back in Sequim while her husband, Nathan, is in texas doing Airforce stuff. There's a new Taco Bell, and Ross is comin in along with Bargain Market. They built all new buildings right downtown and they've added an entirely new apartment complex between 101 Diner and Walgreens. I was only gone 3 1/2 months! All different from the Sequim I called home...
So for now I kind of feel like I'm floating around, waiting for my place in this world to be known to me so I may feel right again. I guess that's what happens when you grow up. You can't really appreciate all the warmth and comfort and security your childhood brought until it's not there anymore. I wish that I could go back sometimes. Maybe to the second or third grade, when you're so busy enjoying living that you don't have time to worry if you're living the right way.
The last weekend before coming back to Job Corps, I decided to go visit Jamie in Ellensburg. I'd had enough playing house and I was anxious to be back with a friendly face (sorry Mom, I love you, but you don't count). The Greyhound sucked, I hate the city and the bus was an hour late. I was nervous because I'd never ridden Greayhound before and I've heard some bad stories, but I met some nice people from Tennesee and they helped me out and gave me some coaching. I ended up getting to Ellensburg with me and my bags in one piece.
So Jamie and I spent the last three days... well, doing pretty much nothing, but at least I was doing nothing with someone. I got Jamie a new sweatshirt and some Caterpillar keys for Christmas. Now before you ask or wonder, the answer is no, he didn't get me anything. I don't really mind because that's not what Christmas is about. Besides, I had a good amount of money and nothing really to spend it on, so I spent most of it on gifts for my friends and family.
We didn't do anything for the New Year, just stayed up watching movies and watched some fireworks from the window. I do have New Year's Resolutions though. It's to relax, believe in myself and others, and not worry about so much all the time. It seems I'm going to have to write it on my forehead and stick it to my back so people can remind me what they are. I've only been here a few hours and I'm already stressin' out. I have a hard time remembering that even if things don't turn out they way I carefully and painstakingly planned, it's not the end of the world and the sky will not fall. I'm always worried I'm going to bother the people around me because I'm such a pessimist, but maybe if I didn't worry about it so much, people wouldn't think I was pessimistic. Funny how a cycle like that is so easy to start, and so much harder to break. Good news is, they go hand in hand and if you get rid of one negetivity, you'll get rid of the other.
Anyway, Jamie and I made it on the bus to head back here at 1530 today and ironically, it was the shortest bus ride of my life. When you think about it, I wasn't leaving anything behind. My old life is already gone.
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