Day 222----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't been able to blog recently because Job Corps has blocked all student access to the internet. When they start it back up again, all social networking is going to be blocked, including blogger.
I'm sorry everyone, this blog reallly meant a lot to me. I love writing, I always have. To see the words dance across the page is like an artist painting across a canvas. I'm going to try to blog on Saturdays when I go out on day pass, but as far as fighting for my right to blog, I'm done. I've been trying to fight the system ever since I got here but I'm done.
I'm tired and broken, I've decided to just give up and do what they say. I'll be out of here and on to college by September. If being quiet and compliant is what they want, they can have it.
All they do is screw us around. I'm done, and they win.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Frustration and Philosophy
Day 211, 58th Vocational Trade Day--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been appointed Assistant Foreman in trade, along with Sterling (Shawntelle is Foreman), and many of the guys are not happy about it. One in particular. He started a whole thing saying that I was flirting with my instructor, and I didn't deserve the position. There's a lot of talk about me being power hungry and abusing my position.
Well the whole thing about my instructor is absurd, this person only started that rumor because he must be jealous and angry with me because I got the position. And as far as foremanship goes, yes, I am serious about trade and completing as soon as possible and I'm going to try my best not to screw up this opportunity. I admit that I don't know everything there is to know about trade, I'm still learning, and I have a lot to learn. But rather than rag on me, why can't they help me so I'm ready for Foreman once Shawntelle leaves?
As far as trying to differentiate between what's fact and what's fiction, I've decided to stop trying to figure it out, and instead just lay everything out on the table and take it for what it is. There are too many variables, too many 'what ifs'. And there are too many things along with too many people involved that - in the long run - will have absolutely no impression on my life whatsoever.
So I'm not sure if I've said this before, but if I have I really need to learn how to follow my own advice.
Don't stress about the past, because you can't change it. Don't worry about the future because it hasn't happened yet. And enjoy the present because every moment you live becomes a moment in your past, and how you live it determines what will happen in your future and who you will become. If you don't like who you are, the only person you have to blame is yourself, and the only one who can help you is you.
I've been appointed Assistant Foreman in trade, along with Sterling (Shawntelle is Foreman), and many of the guys are not happy about it. One in particular. He started a whole thing saying that I was flirting with my instructor, and I didn't deserve the position. There's a lot of talk about me being power hungry and abusing my position.
Well the whole thing about my instructor is absurd, this person only started that rumor because he must be jealous and angry with me because I got the position. And as far as foremanship goes, yes, I am serious about trade and completing as soon as possible and I'm going to try my best not to screw up this opportunity. I admit that I don't know everything there is to know about trade, I'm still learning, and I have a lot to learn. But rather than rag on me, why can't they help me so I'm ready for Foreman once Shawntelle leaves?
As far as trying to differentiate between what's fact and what's fiction, I've decided to stop trying to figure it out, and instead just lay everything out on the table and take it for what it is. There are too many variables, too many 'what ifs'. And there are too many things along with too many people involved that - in the long run - will have absolutely no impression on my life whatsoever.
So I'm not sure if I've said this before, but if I have I really need to learn how to follow my own advice.
Don't stress about the past, because you can't change it. Don't worry about the future because it hasn't happened yet. And enjoy the present because every moment you live becomes a moment in your past, and how you live it determines what will happen in your future and who you will become. If you don't like who you are, the only person you have to blame is yourself, and the only one who can help you is you.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Cobwebs
Day 208--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself today and, as I was staring blankly out the window, I came to the realization that I didn't want to go home. Not really.
I kept thinking to myself that I don't want to be here anymore, that I want to go home, but then I thought of how lost I felt at home during winter break. I didn't know what it was but it didn't feel right and I couldn't figure it out for the longest time. I knew I didn't want to be here, but I couldn't go home, so what was it I wanted?? ... Then it dawned on me.
Everyone here always says how much they want to go home and leave Job Corps, but rarely anyone actually quits. It's because we all come here for a reason. And no matter that reason may be, in our hearts we all know that when we talk about leaving, we're really talking about going back, back in time. At least, that's what I realized I've been desiring the most.
I miss the carelessness of being a child. Back when I was young, I mean really young, I enjoyed every new experience. I was so quick to forgive and I wasn't afraid to laugh out loud. Everyone was perfect and the weather was always good enough for me to play in.
Now I'm faced with important decisions, things, and people that will shape my life forever. Every little action has a consequence that no one can sum up for besides myself. It's a big world out there, a small world here, but the burden is just as heavy.
I miss Mom and Daddy and John. And I really, really miss Grandma and Grandpa. I just wish that when I was younger, I had appreciated every moment of every day, especially the days I spent with them. Because now I'm the only one who can take care of me, and I have big plans, so I pray that I can find the time to spend with them since I hardly have time for myself, and it seems like it's all going by so fast.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying really hard to remember my past and hold on to the present, but they're just cobwebs of my life that slip through my fingers as I fall into the future.
I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself today and, as I was staring blankly out the window, I came to the realization that I didn't want to go home. Not really.
I kept thinking to myself that I don't want to be here anymore, that I want to go home, but then I thought of how lost I felt at home during winter break. I didn't know what it was but it didn't feel right and I couldn't figure it out for the longest time. I knew I didn't want to be here, but I couldn't go home, so what was it I wanted?? ... Then it dawned on me.
Everyone here always says how much they want to go home and leave Job Corps, but rarely anyone actually quits. It's because we all come here for a reason. And no matter that reason may be, in our hearts we all know that when we talk about leaving, we're really talking about going back, back in time. At least, that's what I realized I've been desiring the most.
I miss the carelessness of being a child. Back when I was young, I mean really young, I enjoyed every new experience. I was so quick to forgive and I wasn't afraid to laugh out loud. Everyone was perfect and the weather was always good enough for me to play in.
Now I'm faced with important decisions, things, and people that will shape my life forever. Every little action has a consequence that no one can sum up for besides myself. It's a big world out there, a small world here, but the burden is just as heavy.
I miss Mom and Daddy and John. And I really, really miss Grandma and Grandpa. I just wish that when I was younger, I had appreciated every moment of every day, especially the days I spent with them. Because now I'm the only one who can take care of me, and I have big plans, so I pray that I can find the time to spend with them since I hardly have time for myself, and it seems like it's all going by so fast.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying really hard to remember my past and hold on to the present, but they're just cobwebs of my life that slip through my fingers as I fall into the future.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Blocked
Day 205, 54th Vocational Trade Day------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been having a writer's block lately. I hate having to be so selective on what I can write because I'm afraid to piss someone off or end up causing a whole lot of trouble for myself here at Job Corps.
I've been having a writer's block lately. I hate having to be so selective on what I can write because I'm afraid to piss someone off or end up causing a whole lot of trouble for myself here at Job Corps.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Change
Day 201--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought that I would emphasize on the reason why I think people don't change, myself included. I've been thinking a lot about it and I just don't see how it's possible. Change doesn't exist in any part of this world. And the reason is because things don't change but rather they become or grow into a different sort of what they were before.
The previous being hasn't disappeared, it's simply evolved. Sometimes this evolution is so great that all that remains of the thing before it is an outer shell. But in the end whatever this thing or being has become, it always had that potential to grow into that aspect, even before it showed any signs of this thing called change.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone has the potential of being a whole lot of different ways from the very beginning. And from the very beginning, series of events shape that person into a certain sort of being. Never new, never different, because that personality was always there. Just grown.
Take a tree for example. Let's say we watch it from a seed, and typically trees grow straight up and down. Well pretty soon this seed grows into a sapling and starts to look and behave differently. The sapling begins to breath (photosynthesis) and as it breathes it has an affect on the world around it. The sapling grows into a small tree. All of a sudden a larger, much older tree falls on our little tree. Well sometimes, instead of dying, a small tree will carry on to grow around the fallen log.
Fast forward 15 years. Now our little tree is much larger and the log that fell on it many years ago has decayed and become the forest floor. However, our tree shows the sign of it's struggles by the crook in it's trunk, caused by the eventful day it was crushed as a sapling.
From the beginning, this tree could have been straight, proud, and tall... and all at the same time, it had the potential to be warped, weathered, and tested of it's strength. The course of events effected the initial growth of this tree. But there was always a possibility of a different outcome.
I thought that I would emphasize on the reason why I think people don't change, myself included. I've been thinking a lot about it and I just don't see how it's possible. Change doesn't exist in any part of this world. And the reason is because things don't change but rather they become or grow into a different sort of what they were before.
The previous being hasn't disappeared, it's simply evolved. Sometimes this evolution is so great that all that remains of the thing before it is an outer shell. But in the end whatever this thing or being has become, it always had that potential to grow into that aspect, even before it showed any signs of this thing called change.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone has the potential of being a whole lot of different ways from the very beginning. And from the very beginning, series of events shape that person into a certain sort of being. Never new, never different, because that personality was always there. Just grown.
Take a tree for example. Let's say we watch it from a seed, and typically trees grow straight up and down. Well pretty soon this seed grows into a sapling and starts to look and behave differently. The sapling begins to breath (photosynthesis) and as it breathes it has an affect on the world around it. The sapling grows into a small tree. All of a sudden a larger, much older tree falls on our little tree. Well sometimes, instead of dying, a small tree will carry on to grow around the fallen log.
Fast forward 15 years. Now our little tree is much larger and the log that fell on it many years ago has decayed and become the forest floor. However, our tree shows the sign of it's struggles by the crook in it's trunk, caused by the eventful day it was crushed as a sapling.
From the beginning, this tree could have been straight, proud, and tall... and all at the same time, it had the potential to be warped, weathered, and tested of it's strength. The course of events effected the initial growth of this tree. But there was always a possibility of a different outcome.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A Blog to the Public?
Day 197, 48th Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that Daniel is a god, and we're just friends. I also don't think that Jamie is a terrible person and I'm just as in love with him as I always have been. And I take more upon myself to try pretend that I don't. Just wanted to clarify that.
You know, I originally inteded this blog to be written for close friends and family. It was important that they knew what I was feeling so they could try to understand what changes I was going through. I wanted them to understand how I was doing and what kind of person I was growing to be. But now I'm forced to watch what I say and how much I say because students here at Job Corps have access to my blog. And I know that not a single one of them are reading it because they actually care about what happens in my life, they read it to see just to see how much drama they can produce using the juicy details from my blog.
There's so many things that I wish I could tell my family. Too bad that right has been taken away from me.
Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that Daniel is a god, and we're just friends. I also don't think that Jamie is a terrible person and I'm just as in love with him as I always have been. And I take more upon myself to try pretend that I don't. Just wanted to clarify that.
You know, I originally inteded this blog to be written for close friends and family. It was important that they knew what I was feeling so they could try to understand what changes I was going through. I wanted them to understand how I was doing and what kind of person I was growing to be. But now I'm forced to watch what I say and how much I say because students here at Job Corps have access to my blog. And I know that not a single one of them are reading it because they actually care about what happens in my life, they read it to see just to see how much drama they can produce using the juicy details from my blog.
There's so many things that I wish I could tell my family. Too bad that right has been taken away from me.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Social Discovery
Day 194----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Define the line between naivety and optimism, because quite honestly, I'm not sure if I ever knew the difference.
I forgot to mention Karlee moved out a few days ago. She never gave a reason why. Apparently my blog about Daniel offended her. She wanted so badly for Jamie and I to work things out. And when she left she said, "Sorry I couldn't be a better roommate. But after reading your blog, it kind of felt like a slap in the face".
The irony or the whole thing is highly amusing, however. Towards the end of our relationship, Karlee would say things like, "Why are you still with him", or "He really treats you like shit", or even "Why don't you and Daniel go out, you talk to him a lot and he's way nicer to you".
After we broke up she started coaching me in all the things I should have done to make things work in the first place. I should've laid down the ground rules, I should've let him know how I felt, and I should've told him about everything. I guess that means whenever I spoke to another person or sat next to someone on the bus I was supposed to tell him about the entire conversation we had even if it just so happened about my menstrual cycle or why the sky is blue. Everything that I did do right wasn't enough and it didn't count for anything, obviously, or we'd be together right now.
Karlee told me that Jamie told her he wanted to change and he would be better and he told her about all of his feelings towards me. Well, I don't know if she sugar-coated the entire thing, but even if she hadn't, how is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to be glad that the man who so badly wants me in my life would rather talk to my roommate (his best friend's girlfriend) about how he feels than come to me about it?
Oh, but don't take my word for it please, because I'm a compulsive lier and I don't know who I am or what I want. I also don't care about anyone else's feelings except my own, and I never have.
Everyone else in the world has a better idea about who I am than I do. Well, thanks a whole hell of a lot you guys! What would I ever have done without you?
Hey, I forgot to mention, Jordan and I got frisky in the back of the bus and Daniel and I started dating shortly after.
One problem. Someone had to come and notify me of these recent events, because I sure as hell didn't know about it.
You know, I never knew people could be so cruel. I didn't know people had such a strong urgency to lie. I mean I've been a teller of tall tales myself every now and again, but this?
Who would say something like that? Why would they? What kind of person is so determined to destroy my social credibility? How can one person so carelessly wreak havoc upon an other's life?
Months of tireless devotion to Jamie all count for nothing? Do people really think that I would dishonor my love for him by moving right along to the next guy in line? Do they think I lied about ever being in love in the first place? Was everything we did together a lie, just like the rest of the world is a lie?
I still love Jamie. I'm sorry that we couldn't work things out. Why doesn't anyone see that I would've done anything for him, and I'm not just the type to let love go and mean nothing. I have no intention on being with another man for the rest of my stay here at Job Corps. I don't think I could anyway. I couldn't show the same affection to an other, when the one I've already shared my heart with may as well be standing right behind me. I'm not like the other girls here.
I've decided it's time to harden my heart and put up the defenses, because people are only out to deceive.
Time to make new friends and only a select few, and when they leave here, I won't be apt to make anymore.
I'm settling because it's time to brace myself for impact. Rumors, lies, insults, and accusations incoming.
I live my life. My life is too fragile and the days I'm given are too precious to give others the privilege of living for me. The happiness I desire in this lifetime, is more urgent to me than the current state of your feelings. Don't rely on others to bring you happiness. You control your own destiny. The only power there is in the world is the power invested in you, and the power you allow others to have over you.
Guaranteed I just pissed off quite a few people who choose to read this blog. I'd better head out.
Define the line between naivety and optimism, because quite honestly, I'm not sure if I ever knew the difference.
I forgot to mention Karlee moved out a few days ago. She never gave a reason why. Apparently my blog about Daniel offended her. She wanted so badly for Jamie and I to work things out. And when she left she said, "Sorry I couldn't be a better roommate. But after reading your blog, it kind of felt like a slap in the face".
The irony or the whole thing is highly amusing, however. Towards the end of our relationship, Karlee would say things like, "Why are you still with him", or "He really treats you like shit", or even "Why don't you and Daniel go out, you talk to him a lot and he's way nicer to you".
After we broke up she started coaching me in all the things I should have done to make things work in the first place. I should've laid down the ground rules, I should've let him know how I felt, and I should've told him about everything. I guess that means whenever I spoke to another person or sat next to someone on the bus I was supposed to tell him about the entire conversation we had even if it just so happened about my menstrual cycle or why the sky is blue. Everything that I did do right wasn't enough and it didn't count for anything, obviously, or we'd be together right now.
Karlee told me that Jamie told her he wanted to change and he would be better and he told her about all of his feelings towards me. Well, I don't know if she sugar-coated the entire thing, but even if she hadn't, how is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to be glad that the man who so badly wants me in my life would rather talk to my roommate (his best friend's girlfriend) about how he feels than come to me about it?
Oh, but don't take my word for it please, because I'm a compulsive lier and I don't know who I am or what I want. I also don't care about anyone else's feelings except my own, and I never have.
Everyone else in the world has a better idea about who I am than I do. Well, thanks a whole hell of a lot you guys! What would I ever have done without you?
Hey, I forgot to mention, Jordan and I got frisky in the back of the bus and Daniel and I started dating shortly after.
One problem. Someone had to come and notify me of these recent events, because I sure as hell didn't know about it.
You know, I never knew people could be so cruel. I didn't know people had such a strong urgency to lie. I mean I've been a teller of tall tales myself every now and again, but this?
Who would say something like that? Why would they? What kind of person is so determined to destroy my social credibility? How can one person so carelessly wreak havoc upon an other's life?
Months of tireless devotion to Jamie all count for nothing? Do people really think that I would dishonor my love for him by moving right along to the next guy in line? Do they think I lied about ever being in love in the first place? Was everything we did together a lie, just like the rest of the world is a lie?
I still love Jamie. I'm sorry that we couldn't work things out. Why doesn't anyone see that I would've done anything for him, and I'm not just the type to let love go and mean nothing. I have no intention on being with another man for the rest of my stay here at Job Corps. I don't think I could anyway. I couldn't show the same affection to an other, when the one I've already shared my heart with may as well be standing right behind me. I'm not like the other girls here.
I've decided it's time to harden my heart and put up the defenses, because people are only out to deceive.
Time to make new friends and only a select few, and when they leave here, I won't be apt to make anymore.
I'm settling because it's time to brace myself for impact. Rumors, lies, insults, and accusations incoming.
I live my life. My life is too fragile and the days I'm given are too precious to give others the privilege of living for me. The happiness I desire in this lifetime, is more urgent to me than the current state of your feelings. Don't rely on others to bring you happiness. You control your own destiny. The only power there is in the world is the power invested in you, and the power you allow others to have over you.
Guaranteed I just pissed off quite a few people who choose to read this blog. I'd better head out.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
A Long Week
Day 192, 45th Vocational Trade Day--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm so glad it's Thursday. I think it's my favorite day of the week because it means that I only have one more day until the week is over.
It seems I've picked up a nasty cold. And the only reason I'm sick is because almost everyday this week the girls have had to stand outside the dorm and wait in the freaking cold after trade. Monday we stood outside the dorm for 25 minutes. Then the next day we stood outside for 10 minutes and later that same day I stood outside Recreation for 1 HOUR waiting for someone to let me in so I could open the store with my co-worker Ryan Pierson (from Port Angeles ironically, but that's another story). Now after all this standing outside I'm sicker than a dog.
Tomorrow they are holding a graduation for a handful of students who are complete in their trade, education, and licensing. These students are given caps and gowns and are given the privilege of speaking to their fellow peers about their success stories, and they are allowed to walk down the isle like they would be in they were in highschool. No one I know is graduating, so I'm not too bummed that I have to skip it for a doctor's appointment instead.
Good thing I have the store because it makes the days go by so much faster... unless I'm sick of course. This place in my sanctuary, my safe haven.
I'm so glad it's Thursday. I think it's my favorite day of the week because it means that I only have one more day until the week is over.
It seems I've picked up a nasty cold. And the only reason I'm sick is because almost everyday this week the girls have had to stand outside the dorm and wait in the freaking cold after trade. Monday we stood outside the dorm for 25 minutes. Then the next day we stood outside for 10 minutes and later that same day I stood outside Recreation for 1 HOUR waiting for someone to let me in so I could open the store with my co-worker Ryan Pierson (from Port Angeles ironically, but that's another story). Now after all this standing outside I'm sicker than a dog.
Tomorrow they are holding a graduation for a handful of students who are complete in their trade, education, and licensing. These students are given caps and gowns and are given the privilege of speaking to their fellow peers about their success stories, and they are allowed to walk down the isle like they would be in they were in highschool. No one I know is graduating, so I'm not too bummed that I have to skip it for a doctor's appointment instead.
Good thing I have the store because it makes the days go by so much faster... unless I'm sick of course. This place in my sanctuary, my safe haven.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Been Awhile, Been a Lot - An Introduction to Daniel
Day 188----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been way more busy than usual lately. Between student politics, social crisis, and accelerated events, I've barely had enough time to sleep, much less blog. Time for a million updates... where to begin?
I had CDP (Career Development Period) meeting last Monday. I get together with my instructor, a dorm manager, a counselor, and the career development counselor on the first Monday of every month. At this meeting we discuss my improvements, achievements, and goals for the next month. Well, as it turns out, everyone is very impressed with my success here at Fort Simcoe. The career development counselor, Linda Lee, has suggested that I go to college. Job Corps has a program where I can go to college for two years and get an Associates Degree of my choice. I'm very excited about it and she hopes to have me placed in a college by this summer so I can start the semester in fall. I'm hoping for a degree in Wildlife Survival. On another note, my head instructor, Scott Ferguson, says he's very impressed and hopes to see me (and Sterling (my 'trade twin')) in the position of foreman someday.
As it turns out, I didn't get any position in the SGA once again. Not really bummed, to be honest. I have a lot on my plate as it is...
There's been a lot of chaos in the dorm lately, and I'm getting tired of it. I've taken it upon myself to try and be a leader figure within the dorm, without being a leader. It seems that some of the girls like to have me as a spokesman for them. I have very good interpersonal skills and with a level head, I can see things from the outside in and visa verse.
The head honchos from Bureau of Forestry are here to investigate the conditions of the center. From what I hear, they are not impressed. The way staff are running things is sloppy. They can't find papers, nothing is on record, and they play favorites with students. They don't enforce current rules, but rather enforce rules that don't even exist. Also, the center is not run to the standards of all the other Job Corps. Things are going to be changing around here, and soon.
Things in my personal life have been all but stable. Jamie and I have been trying to work things out, but to no avail. One of us always ends up hurt. Maybe its the Aries - Virgo incompatibility. Remember how I said I would do things my way this time? Well apparently he doesn't like my way. I started hanging out with my guy friends and living and being truly happy for the first time in a long time because I wasn't worried about how he felt. I was comfortable enough in my relationship that I thought that since we both knew how we felt about each other, that would be enough to get past the rumors and the other crap. I swear, people around here talk just to see how much damage they can do.
Anyway, he ended up feeling all territorial and threatened when I hung out with my friends. I'm allowed to have man friends, and I shouldn't have to put a value or limit on friendship just because they happen to be of the opposite sex. I finally broke it off for good and he's wanting to get back together. He says he wishes he'd done things differently and things are going to change. I'm sorry, but people don't change, they simply grow into stronger into their own being. I've seen it in my dad. He's a lot wiser now than 10 years ago, but inside he's still the same person, just aged. And Jamie and I both need to age... in our own way. Apart.
However... there is sort of a root to all this evil. Since winter break I've formed an undying and loyal friendship with a young man named Daniel. We were talking right before break because we are both huge husky fans, and I ended up texting him in the middle of break, asking him what channel the Winter Bowl was on and it all started from there. The more we talked the more we had in common. Now he sits with me at the store every night that I work and every morning for breakfast during the week we meet at the same time, sit at the same table, with with the same people. And I'll tell you what, it feels so great to have a guy friend that I can laugh with and spend time with and be comfortable, without worrying about all the crap that comes with a relationship. We've already laid down the ground rules and, no matter what happens, we'll always be friends. Just friends. What a relief.
Towards the end Jamie pretty much gave me an ultimatum, 'Daniel or me', and I am not about to give up a friendship like that for a relationship where I've already given so much. It hurts that it had to come to this... but I'd rather not marry a man like my father.
I've been way more busy than usual lately. Between student politics, social crisis, and accelerated events, I've barely had enough time to sleep, much less blog. Time for a million updates... where to begin?
I had CDP (Career Development Period) meeting last Monday. I get together with my instructor, a dorm manager, a counselor, and the career development counselor on the first Monday of every month. At this meeting we discuss my improvements, achievements, and goals for the next month. Well, as it turns out, everyone is very impressed with my success here at Fort Simcoe. The career development counselor, Linda Lee, has suggested that I go to college. Job Corps has a program where I can go to college for two years and get an Associates Degree of my choice. I'm very excited about it and she hopes to have me placed in a college by this summer so I can start the semester in fall. I'm hoping for a degree in Wildlife Survival. On another note, my head instructor, Scott Ferguson, says he's very impressed and hopes to see me (and Sterling (my 'trade twin')) in the position of foreman someday.
As it turns out, I didn't get any position in the SGA once again. Not really bummed, to be honest. I have a lot on my plate as it is...
There's been a lot of chaos in the dorm lately, and I'm getting tired of it. I've taken it upon myself to try and be a leader figure within the dorm, without being a leader. It seems that some of the girls like to have me as a spokesman for them. I have very good interpersonal skills and with a level head, I can see things from the outside in and visa verse.
The head honchos from Bureau of Forestry are here to investigate the conditions of the center. From what I hear, they are not impressed. The way staff are running things is sloppy. They can't find papers, nothing is on record, and they play favorites with students. They don't enforce current rules, but rather enforce rules that don't even exist. Also, the center is not run to the standards of all the other Job Corps. Things are going to be changing around here, and soon.
Things in my personal life have been all but stable. Jamie and I have been trying to work things out, but to no avail. One of us always ends up hurt. Maybe its the Aries - Virgo incompatibility. Remember how I said I would do things my way this time? Well apparently he doesn't like my way. I started hanging out with my guy friends and living and being truly happy for the first time in a long time because I wasn't worried about how he felt. I was comfortable enough in my relationship that I thought that since we both knew how we felt about each other, that would be enough to get past the rumors and the other crap. I swear, people around here talk just to see how much damage they can do.
Anyway, he ended up feeling all territorial and threatened when I hung out with my friends. I'm allowed to have man friends, and I shouldn't have to put a value or limit on friendship just because they happen to be of the opposite sex. I finally broke it off for good and he's wanting to get back together. He says he wishes he'd done things differently and things are going to change. I'm sorry, but people don't change, they simply grow into stronger into their own being. I've seen it in my dad. He's a lot wiser now than 10 years ago, but inside he's still the same person, just aged. And Jamie and I both need to age... in our own way. Apart.
However... there is sort of a root to all this evil. Since winter break I've formed an undying and loyal friendship with a young man named Daniel. We were talking right before break because we are both huge husky fans, and I ended up texting him in the middle of break, asking him what channel the Winter Bowl was on and it all started from there. The more we talked the more we had in common. Now he sits with me at the store every night that I work and every morning for breakfast during the week we meet at the same time, sit at the same table, with with the same people. And I'll tell you what, it feels so great to have a guy friend that I can laugh with and spend time with and be comfortable, without worrying about all the crap that comes with a relationship. We've already laid down the ground rules and, no matter what happens, we'll always be friends. Just friends. What a relief.
Towards the end Jamie pretty much gave me an ultimatum, 'Daniel or me', and I am not about to give up a friendship like that for a relationship where I've already given so much. It hurts that it had to come to this... but I'd rather not marry a man like my father.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Time
Day 177, 34th Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ugh, finally, I have time to sit down and actually write a little bit. I forgot to update you on the Day Pass situation. They (the residential living advisers, I believe) have switched Day Pass back to the old rules. We leave at 1100, right after account, and we drive into Yakima. Then, we all unload and we're free until 1530. However, if you are over the age of 18, you can stay in town, you just have to have a ride back to center. Still not equal rights, but at least I can go into town again; I'm letting it go for now.
I had a really great day today. It drug on forEVER but it was still a good day. I was able to work one on one with my head instructor, Scott, and I was assigned several of my own tasks. I was afraid I'd mess up but it was nice not having to work with anyone, to have to share anything. That must be the only child in me speaking out!
I've quite suddenly become appreciative of everything I have. I kept saying that everyone here took things for granted but I've realized that I have been doing exactly the same. I'm no better than anyone else around here, as much as I like to think so sometimes...
I'm a lot happier than I have been in a long time. It's like this cloud has finally lifted and I finally understand what it is I really want and I love the fact that I'm alive today. It's been almost a year since my close friend, Tyler Braithwaite, passed away. It must be that, and a whole number of other occurrences that have brought me to this astounding outlook on life. The only one holding myself back this whole time was me, and it feels damn good to let go.
Ugh, finally, I have time to sit down and actually write a little bit. I forgot to update you on the Day Pass situation. They (the residential living advisers, I believe) have switched Day Pass back to the old rules. We leave at 1100, right after account, and we drive into Yakima. Then, we all unload and we're free until 1530. However, if you are over the age of 18, you can stay in town, you just have to have a ride back to center. Still not equal rights, but at least I can go into town again; I'm letting it go for now.
I had a really great day today. It drug on forEVER but it was still a good day. I was able to work one on one with my head instructor, Scott, and I was assigned several of my own tasks. I was afraid I'd mess up but it was nice not having to work with anyone, to have to share anything. That must be the only child in me speaking out!
I've quite suddenly become appreciative of everything I have. I kept saying that everyone here took things for granted but I've realized that I have been doing exactly the same. I'm no better than anyone else around here, as much as I like to think so sometimes...
I'm a lot happier than I have been in a long time. It's like this cloud has finally lifted and I finally understand what it is I really want and I love the fact that I'm alive today. It's been almost a year since my close friend, Tyler Braithwaite, passed away. It must be that, and a whole number of other occurrences that have brought me to this astounding outlook on life. The only one holding myself back this whole time was me, and it feels damn good to let go.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Driver's Ed - Store Updates
Day 176, 33rd Vocational Day--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I had my final day of driver's Ed today. After 17 lessons, I have my certificate and now all I have to do is hurry up and wait for my 6 months to be up and I can get my license.
I re-organized all the files in the store and I finally have almost everything in their right places. I moved a microwave in here so I don't have to leave the store to cook my food, and I got internet hooked up in the store. Now I should have more time to blog! Yay!
Also, I have hooked up my mobile to my blog and hopefully I'll get some pictures of Job Corps put up so you guys can get a visual.
P.S.
Sorry if my blog is a little choppy. Distracted from costumers and conversations.
So I had my final day of driver's Ed today. After 17 lessons, I have my certificate and now all I have to do is hurry up and wait for my 6 months to be up and I can get my license.
I re-organized all the files in the store and I finally have almost everything in their right places. I moved a microwave in here so I don't have to leave the store to cook my food, and I got internet hooked up in the store. Now I should have more time to blog! Yay!
Also, I have hooked up my mobile to my blog and hopefully I'll get some pictures of Job Corps put up so you guys can get a visual.
P.S.
Sorry if my blog is a little choppy. Distracted from costumers and conversations.
Friday, February 25, 2011
The Ways of the World Wide Web
Day 172, 31st Vocational Trade Day-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So turns out that quite a few students have found my blog online. I suppose it was only a matter of time. I honestly didn't think that any students would take the time to deal with someone else's crap, but that just goes to show how utterly BORING this place is. But if anyone would like details on how things are going feel free to email me.
I've been swamped with the store and full time trade and everything. I've done some finishing touches on the store's reorganization. Only a few more old papers to get rid of and it'll be all clean. :-) I also moved the microwave in here, which hadn't been clean in months and is now spotless, and we installed internet, FINALLY. I feel I've done a lot of good round here.
I'm hoping for that spot in the SGA. There are a lot of things that this place is screwing us on, and I want to change that. There needs to be equal rights among students, and I don't mean just age; sexes need to be treated equally also.
We have a new Center Director. He's just a temp but he seems to mean business. He realizes that the people who run this center either have no idea what the hell they're doing, or they just don't care. I've been here almost 6 months now, and I've never seen an Auto student graduate because the Vocational Safety Manager, Vic Gardee has been holding them back. Now, I have several friends from that trade that are finally allowed to move on with all the benefits and completion money because of the new Center Director. I'm sorry that this guy isn't staying because I know that all the good he does here will all but exist when he leaves. We'll all be back to being strung along by the puppeteers that run this place.
So turns out that quite a few students have found my blog online. I suppose it was only a matter of time. I honestly didn't think that any students would take the time to deal with someone else's crap, but that just goes to show how utterly BORING this place is. But if anyone would like details on how things are going feel free to email me.
I've been swamped with the store and full time trade and everything. I've done some finishing touches on the store's reorganization. Only a few more old papers to get rid of and it'll be all clean. :-) I also moved the microwave in here, which hadn't been clean in months and is now spotless, and we installed internet, FINALLY. I feel I've done a lot of good round here.
I'm hoping for that spot in the SGA. There are a lot of things that this place is screwing us on, and I want to change that. There needs to be equal rights among students, and I don't mean just age; sexes need to be treated equally also.
We have a new Center Director. He's just a temp but he seems to mean business. He realizes that the people who run this center either have no idea what the hell they're doing, or they just don't care. I've been here almost 6 months now, and I've never seen an Auto student graduate because the Vocational Safety Manager, Vic Gardee has been holding them back. Now, I have several friends from that trade that are finally allowed to move on with all the benefits and completion money because of the new Center Director. I'm sorry that this guy isn't staying because I know that all the good he does here will all but exist when he leaves. We'll all be back to being strung along by the puppeteers that run this place.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Age, a Crisis Yet Again
Day 165, 27th Vocational Trade Day-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*I didn't get Gold Card because my reviews were not quite high enough - only four points away.*
So I had all these plans set up this weekend and I have a lot of money saved. I was going to go to verizon to change phones because mine isn't doing it's job anymore. Mom just sent me this REALLY nice one too. I owe her big time.
I was also going to do some shopping for Alexis' bridal shower (my cousin), and I'm NOT going to get her a cheap ass gift from Walmart.
I was going to download some books onto my Kindle, grab a nice lunch, do some shopping for new headphones, a rug for my room, and art supplies.
Well, they just recently changed the hours on Day Pass. Now it's from 8:00 to 20:00. And because it's a 12 hr day pass, I am not allowed to go because I am not 18 years old.
What the hell is this crap?? I didn't change the time schedule, and now, because I'm 16, I'm not responsible enough to go out on the town for 12 hours alone! If they're going to pull that, then why isn't it like, "Well you're 21, so you can't be trusted to be off center unsupervised because it is very possible that you will consume alcoholic beverages and come back intoxicated".
Just because I am not considered an 'adult' doesn't mean I'm irresponsible, and just because other students are above the age of 18, doesn't make them any more responsible than I am! How many times do I have to prove myself to these guys?
*I didn't get Gold Card because my reviews were not quite high enough - only four points away.*
So I had all these plans set up this weekend and I have a lot of money saved. I was going to go to verizon to change phones because mine isn't doing it's job anymore. Mom just sent me this REALLY nice one too. I owe her big time.
I was also going to do some shopping for Alexis' bridal shower (my cousin), and I'm NOT going to get her a cheap ass gift from Walmart.
I was going to download some books onto my Kindle, grab a nice lunch, do some shopping for new headphones, a rug for my room, and art supplies.
Well, they just recently changed the hours on Day Pass. Now it's from 8:00 to 20:00. And because it's a 12 hr day pass, I am not allowed to go because I am not 18 years old.
What the hell is this crap?? I didn't change the time schedule, and now, because I'm 16, I'm not responsible enough to go out on the town for 12 hours alone! If they're going to pull that, then why isn't it like, "Well you're 21, so you can't be trusted to be off center unsupervised because it is very possible that you will consume alcoholic beverages and come back intoxicated".
Just because I am not considered an 'adult' doesn't mean I'm irresponsible, and just because other students are above the age of 18, doesn't make them any more responsible than I am! How many times do I have to prove myself to these guys?
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Sun is Shining, but We're Not out of Cold Weather Yet, Houston.
Day 164, 26th Vocational Trade Day-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I noticed today while I was warming my face in the sunshine that no matter how promising that sun was, the wind was bitter cold. It made me think of an metaphor for the recent events that are positive, yet still curious to see how the tables will turn.
I got accepted full-time into trade. Scott pulled me aside the other day and said he didn't want me wasting any more time in Maintenance. I'm a little sad because Maintenance was starting to wear on me and the staff, Mark, is a really awesome guy. But it's time to move on to bigger and better things.
I'm running for SGA Vice President again. Dustin at Recreation (have I mentioned him?) is really pushing me this round. He says that they need someone like me (levelheaded, able to look at the big picture, takes initiative) to be a part of SGA, and I think that I could really benefit the center and I'm excited to see if I'll be elected. If not then no harm, no foul. I just know that I'm ready for the responsibility this time.
So Jamie and I are working things out... and I already know what you're going to say, so don't. This time we're doing things my way. I'm going to try to stay away from obsession and focus on my things first. My life comes first. And as frustrated as he may be with that, that's how it has to be. And if he really wants this to work, then he'll get over it. - And about the other girl - I went back and did some research and he swears it was an accident (although I don't know how you accidentally send stuff like that (except her and I are practically right next to each other in the contact list on his phone)). I guess he didn't really say those things that I thought. I just saw what I wanted to see. I kept wondering when the other shoe would fall and then when it kind of did, my brain made it look like it happened... Anyway what I mean to say is that he said something along the lines of you shouldn't be self conscious of your body because... blah blah blah. Doesn't make it right that he was talking to her in the first place, this girl has a reputation. So my trust is on the rocky side but we'll just have to see what happens.
As it seems, there may be hope for me yet... but let's not count chickens before they hatch.
P.S.
I intended for this blog to be about what it's like here at Forst Simcoe, but it's turned more into a melodrama. I'm going to try to get back on track on updates about life here on center and the goings on. With my priorities straight, I should be able to if this back on track. And if this SGA thing happens, it'll be even easier.
I noticed today while I was warming my face in the sunshine that no matter how promising that sun was, the wind was bitter cold. It made me think of an metaphor for the recent events that are positive, yet still curious to see how the tables will turn.
I got accepted full-time into trade. Scott pulled me aside the other day and said he didn't want me wasting any more time in Maintenance. I'm a little sad because Maintenance was starting to wear on me and the staff, Mark, is a really awesome guy. But it's time to move on to bigger and better things.
I'm running for SGA Vice President again. Dustin at Recreation (have I mentioned him?) is really pushing me this round. He says that they need someone like me (levelheaded, able to look at the big picture, takes initiative) to be a part of SGA, and I think that I could really benefit the center and I'm excited to see if I'll be elected. If not then no harm, no foul. I just know that I'm ready for the responsibility this time.
So Jamie and I are working things out... and I already know what you're going to say, so don't. This time we're doing things my way. I'm going to try to stay away from obsession and focus on my things first. My life comes first. And as frustrated as he may be with that, that's how it has to be. And if he really wants this to work, then he'll get over it. - And about the other girl - I went back and did some research and he swears it was an accident (although I don't know how you accidentally send stuff like that (except her and I are practically right next to each other in the contact list on his phone)). I guess he didn't really say those things that I thought. I just saw what I wanted to see. I kept wondering when the other shoe would fall and then when it kind of did, my brain made it look like it happened... Anyway what I mean to say is that he said something along the lines of you shouldn't be self conscious of your body because... blah blah blah. Doesn't make it right that he was talking to her in the first place, this girl has a reputation. So my trust is on the rocky side but we'll just have to see what happens.
As it seems, there may be hope for me yet... but let's not count chickens before they hatch.
P.S.
I intended for this blog to be about what it's like here at Forst Simcoe, but it's turned more into a melodrama. I'm going to try to get back on track on updates about life here on center and the goings on. With my priorities straight, I should be able to if this back on track. And if this SGA thing happens, it'll be even easier.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The End
Day 157--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Jamie and I are finally over. I found pictures of him with his shirt off on another girl's phone - the SAME ones he sent me. He then proceeded to tell her how he loved her breasts and how they would feel good on his abs. Thing is, he has all of us fooled. Even Kevin.
I packed up everything I had of him. The love notes he wrote me, the poems I wrote him, his sweatshirt, hat, and dog tag. The tag that I never took off to show the world that I belonged to one person... and I gave it all back.
The past three months of my life... wasted. All the time, money, and energy I put into this, into us, was for what? -Nothing.
I'm so angry. He didn't just cheat me of my pride and my dignity, he took away a huge part of my life. And I let it happen.
I'm more mad at myself then anything. The only one I have to blame is me. And I keep asking myself, did he really feel anything? All the 'I love you's? All the pain of his past... was I the only one he told? He made me feel special, did he mean it?
He told me just the other night that he used to be a player in high school, they used to call him Jamie Turn-Her because he could turn on any girl... I told him that I never wanted to see that side... well I got my wish and he did a pretty damn good job of hiding it.
He wasn't even man enough to come outside and take his stuff in person. He's not man enough to give me an explanation. An apology. Something!
I want to text him. I want to call him and I want to see him and I want to tell him what a piece of shit he is for putting me through everything, for treating me like trash, for letting me think I was the one who needed to change. But I know it won't solve anything. I know it won't make this better. I have to let it go. I have to pick myself up off the ground with whatever self-esteem I have left and move on, be the bigger person. And it sucks.
I just want to know why.
Why me? Why this? Why did he have to lie and fool me into loving him? Why did he let me trust him with my heart? Was this all a game? What did he really want? Did he even care at any point in our relationship about me? Why did he bring me home? Why did he introduce me into his life, to his mom, and his sister? Why did I buy him a 70 dollar sweatshit and a 50 dollar bus ticket to see him Christmas break. WHY?!
I can tell you one thing, I'm not going to cry for him. If I cry tonight I'll be crying for myself. How stupid I was. How naive. I really should listen to my own advice more often.
I really don't know what else to say. This was a good lesson to be learned. For some reason the only person I can really think of right now is Grandpa. He's the only person I've been thinking about all night. I wish he was here, he always knows what to do.
The funny thing is, I don't really feel the need to go home, to run away. Now I can go on with my life with absolutely nothing and no one to hold me back.
My new favorite comfort words, ironically, are 'nothing' and 'alone'. It feels good to be free.
So Jamie and I are finally over. I found pictures of him with his shirt off on another girl's phone - the SAME ones he sent me. He then proceeded to tell her how he loved her breasts and how they would feel good on his abs. Thing is, he has all of us fooled. Even Kevin.
I packed up everything I had of him. The love notes he wrote me, the poems I wrote him, his sweatshirt, hat, and dog tag. The tag that I never took off to show the world that I belonged to one person... and I gave it all back.
The past three months of my life... wasted. All the time, money, and energy I put into this, into us, was for what? -Nothing.
I'm so angry. He didn't just cheat me of my pride and my dignity, he took away a huge part of my life. And I let it happen.
I'm more mad at myself then anything. The only one I have to blame is me. And I keep asking myself, did he really feel anything? All the 'I love you's? All the pain of his past... was I the only one he told? He made me feel special, did he mean it?
He told me just the other night that he used to be a player in high school, they used to call him Jamie Turn-Her because he could turn on any girl... I told him that I never wanted to see that side... well I got my wish and he did a pretty damn good job of hiding it.
He wasn't even man enough to come outside and take his stuff in person. He's not man enough to give me an explanation. An apology. Something!
I want to text him. I want to call him and I want to see him and I want to tell him what a piece of shit he is for putting me through everything, for treating me like trash, for letting me think I was the one who needed to change. But I know it won't solve anything. I know it won't make this better. I have to let it go. I have to pick myself up off the ground with whatever self-esteem I have left and move on, be the bigger person. And it sucks.
I just want to know why.
Why me? Why this? Why did he have to lie and fool me into loving him? Why did he let me trust him with my heart? Was this all a game? What did he really want? Did he even care at any point in our relationship about me? Why did he bring me home? Why did he introduce me into his life, to his mom, and his sister? Why did I buy him a 70 dollar sweatshit and a 50 dollar bus ticket to see him Christmas break. WHY?!
I can tell you one thing, I'm not going to cry for him. If I cry tonight I'll be crying for myself. How stupid I was. How naive. I really should listen to my own advice more often.
I really don't know what else to say. This was a good lesson to be learned. For some reason the only person I can really think of right now is Grandpa. He's the only person I've been thinking about all night. I wish he was here, he always knows what to do.
The funny thing is, I don't really feel the need to go home, to run away. Now I can go on with my life with absolutely nothing and no one to hold me back.
My new favorite comfort words, ironically, are 'nothing' and 'alone'. It feels good to be free.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Lessons Learned
Day 156----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, I didn't get the full time spot in trade. I'm kind of grateful because I don't think that I am ready. I like being able to relax and study at my own pace in Maintenance. (That's where they put students who have finished all of the required education courses and are waiting for a fulltime spot to open up.) I also didn't get my Gold color card because all the counselors, except one, are not going to be here for at least a week. So one counselor is trying to take care of 2 or 3 trades; that's about 75 kids, at least. I really hate how disorganized this place is.
I think it is time to introduce another character to the scheme of my life. Kayla Sorenson is another girl who has greatly influenced my life here at Job Corps. She's in business with Karlee and they've been friends since Karlee first got here. Sometimes her, Karlee, and I can be kind of a trio, one never being without the other. Kayla is a very pretty red-head with a great smile, catchy personality, level head, and a good attention span for listening. I think she may have a few trust issues though and is a little flighty when it comes to her personal relationships. I might not always understand her ways, but I accept them none the less.
Anyway, the whole reason I am bringing this person forward is because of an incident that happened here the other day. Long story short, I confided in Kayla about something about Kevin (that had NOTHING to do with Karlee and Kevin's relationship, by the way) that Jamie had told me. Jamie had told me specifically not to tell anyone, but you know me and my big mouth. I didn't even mean to tell her, it just slipped out. She swore she wouldn't tell Karlee. Alas, sometimes we give people more credit than we should.
Kayla told Karlee about what Jamie had told me, and Karlee of course went to Kevin. When Karlee came to me angry that I hadn't told her and had asked Kayla not to tell her (which I should have known better), my heart immediately sank into my stomach. I knew that if I didn't get to Jamie, before Kevin, and tell him of my terrible mistake, it might end my relationship for good. I kept thinking, 'Oh no, he'll never trust me with anything ever again. This is it, I've finally done it'.
So I rushed outside, begged a few guys to go get Jamie from inside the dorm, waited (more like paced), and probably popped a few blood vessels because I was so worried.
When he finally came outside I'd driven myself almost to tears and hysteria. I spilled my guts out and all he has to say was, "Kevin's my baymate, he already told me".
Well, shit.
This time my heart dropped to my toes. I kind of kicked a rock and did sort of a pirouette. Don't know what that was about, but people do silly things in times of crisis. And just when I thought the sky was about to fall and the world as I knew it was about to come to an end, Jamie grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "Eli, it's okay. Let's just take this and learn a lesson from it". - Whew. World is not over, once again.
After I was fully reassured, I went back into my room, calm, yet smoldering at what Kayla had done. Karlee scolded me saying that Kayla had done the right thing telling her about what Jamie had told me. She said that Kayla told her everything, no matter what. Angrily I said, "Well, if she's such a good friend, maybe you should ask her about what else she hasn't told you".
Whoops.
That opened a whole new can of worms. Turns out that Kayla and Kevin had a thing before Karlee was even in the picture, and she had no idea. As a result, Kevin and Karlee fought for a day or two, Kevin hates me, and Kayla and I are no longer friends.
Oh, well. Lessons learned, I suppose.
So after all the after-math craziness with Karlee, Kevin, Kayla, and Jamie, I have officially decided I never want anything to do with anyone else's business besides my own. I'm going to keep my big mouth shut, and all of my private affairs private! I never really have been a "close friend" kind of person. I've had friends and buddies, and then one companion. That companion has always been my mom. Laugh, talk, share everything together. Now that person is Jamie. I'm sorry that it took so long to come to the realization that I don't need or want a whole bunch of people in my life, and that that is okay.
As it turns out, I was so busy evaluating what everyone else's two cents, and what was going on in everyone else's life, that I didn't realize what I really needed was my own self evalution! Maybe if I had figured that out a long time ago, I wouldn't have put myself through so much heart ache. I think that really it was all in my head, and I let everyone else put it there.
In a way, I'm really glad all this happened. I feel a million times lighter and kind of like it's a little smoother sailing from here on out. I'm very happy with my revelation.
So, I didn't get the full time spot in trade. I'm kind of grateful because I don't think that I am ready. I like being able to relax and study at my own pace in Maintenance. (That's where they put students who have finished all of the required education courses and are waiting for a fulltime spot to open up.) I also didn't get my Gold color card because all the counselors, except one, are not going to be here for at least a week. So one counselor is trying to take care of 2 or 3 trades; that's about 75 kids, at least. I really hate how disorganized this place is.
I think it is time to introduce another character to the scheme of my life. Kayla Sorenson is another girl who has greatly influenced my life here at Job Corps. She's in business with Karlee and they've been friends since Karlee first got here. Sometimes her, Karlee, and I can be kind of a trio, one never being without the other. Kayla is a very pretty red-head with a great smile, catchy personality, level head, and a good attention span for listening. I think she may have a few trust issues though and is a little flighty when it comes to her personal relationships. I might not always understand her ways, but I accept them none the less.
Anyway, the whole reason I am bringing this person forward is because of an incident that happened here the other day. Long story short, I confided in Kayla about something about Kevin (that had NOTHING to do with Karlee and Kevin's relationship, by the way) that Jamie had told me. Jamie had told me specifically not to tell anyone, but you know me and my big mouth. I didn't even mean to tell her, it just slipped out. She swore she wouldn't tell Karlee. Alas, sometimes we give people more credit than we should.
Kayla told Karlee about what Jamie had told me, and Karlee of course went to Kevin. When Karlee came to me angry that I hadn't told her and had asked Kayla not to tell her (which I should have known better), my heart immediately sank into my stomach. I knew that if I didn't get to Jamie, before Kevin, and tell him of my terrible mistake, it might end my relationship for good. I kept thinking, 'Oh no, he'll never trust me with anything ever again. This is it, I've finally done it'.
So I rushed outside, begged a few guys to go get Jamie from inside the dorm, waited (more like paced), and probably popped a few blood vessels because I was so worried.
When he finally came outside I'd driven myself almost to tears and hysteria. I spilled my guts out and all he has to say was, "Kevin's my baymate, he already told me".
Well, shit.
This time my heart dropped to my toes. I kind of kicked a rock and did sort of a pirouette. Don't know what that was about, but people do silly things in times of crisis. And just when I thought the sky was about to fall and the world as I knew it was about to come to an end, Jamie grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "Eli, it's okay. Let's just take this and learn a lesson from it". - Whew. World is not over, once again.
After I was fully reassured, I went back into my room, calm, yet smoldering at what Kayla had done. Karlee scolded me saying that Kayla had done the right thing telling her about what Jamie had told me. She said that Kayla told her everything, no matter what. Angrily I said, "Well, if she's such a good friend, maybe you should ask her about what else she hasn't told you".
Whoops.
That opened a whole new can of worms. Turns out that Kayla and Kevin had a thing before Karlee was even in the picture, and she had no idea. As a result, Kevin and Karlee fought for a day or two, Kevin hates me, and Kayla and I are no longer friends.
Oh, well. Lessons learned, I suppose.
So after all the after-math craziness with Karlee, Kevin, Kayla, and Jamie, I have officially decided I never want anything to do with anyone else's business besides my own. I'm going to keep my big mouth shut, and all of my private affairs private! I never really have been a "close friend" kind of person. I've had friends and buddies, and then one companion. That companion has always been my mom. Laugh, talk, share everything together. Now that person is Jamie. I'm sorry that it took so long to come to the realization that I don't need or want a whole bunch of people in my life, and that that is okay.
As it turns out, I was so busy evaluating what everyone else's two cents, and what was going on in everyone else's life, that I didn't realize what I really needed was my own self evalution! Maybe if I had figured that out a long time ago, I wouldn't have put myself through so much heart ache. I think that really it was all in my head, and I let everyone else put it there.
In a way, I'm really glad all this happened. I feel a million times lighter and kind of like it's a little smoother sailing from here on out. I'm very happy with my revelation.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Poor Steelers
Day 153--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The PBR was freaking awesome! I love rough stock events.
Watched the super bowl today. I didn't really care for either team so I thought I'd root for the underdog. Alas, the the Pittsburg Steelers didn't win. John, however, likes the Green Bay Packers so he'll be in a good mood for Mom.
Jamie and I talked. Again. So we're good. Hopefully it sticks?
Tomorrow I might be on Gold Card which is the highest ranking a student can get. Also might be full-time trade. We shall see.
I'm sad the weekend is over. They never last long enough.
The PBR was freaking awesome! I love rough stock events.
Watched the super bowl today. I didn't really care for either team so I thought I'd root for the underdog. Alas, the the Pittsburg Steelers didn't win. John, however, likes the Green Bay Packers so he'll be in a good mood for Mom.
Jamie and I talked. Again. So we're good. Hopefully it sticks?
Tomorrow I might be on Gold Card which is the highest ranking a student can get. Also might be full-time trade. We shall see.
I'm sad the weekend is over. They never last long enough.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Winner at a Losing Game
Day 152----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm going to PBR (Professional Bull Riding) event this evening. I've been looking forward to it. Maybe it'll distract me for a little while. I won't feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust.
So last night Jamie told me that everything I say sounds like something Karlee would say to Kevin. He can't believe anything I say because he thinks Karlee is the one trying to get me to say it. I told him that I couldn't imagine waking up, going to work, and seeing him everyday, knowing that I missed out on probably one of the most important men that has ever come into my life - and he doesn't believe a word.
How can I compete? I'll dress up and put make up on and he'll think I did it because Karlee convinced me to. I can shower him with praises and kindness and patience and he'll think it's all coming from her. I can kiss him and love him and tell him how much he means to me and he won't understand that I've meant every ounce of affection.
I can't change Jamie's mind. He has to do it himself. But how am I supposed to save us if everything I'm doing is what's destroying it?
I'm losing, aren't I?
I'm going to PBR (Professional Bull Riding) event this evening. I've been looking forward to it. Maybe it'll distract me for a little while. I won't feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust.
So last night Jamie told me that everything I say sounds like something Karlee would say to Kevin. He can't believe anything I say because he thinks Karlee is the one trying to get me to say it. I told him that I couldn't imagine waking up, going to work, and seeing him everyday, knowing that I missed out on probably one of the most important men that has ever come into my life - and he doesn't believe a word.
How can I compete? I'll dress up and put make up on and he'll think I did it because Karlee convinced me to. I can shower him with praises and kindness and patience and he'll think it's all coming from her. I can kiss him and love him and tell him how much he means to me and he won't understand that I've meant every ounce of affection.
I can't change Jamie's mind. He has to do it himself. But how am I supposed to save us if everything I'm doing is what's destroying it?
I'm losing, aren't I?
Friday, February 4, 2011
Decisions
Day 151, 22nd Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, everyone. I think that I'll just stop apologizing for not writing as often as I should - otherwise I'll end up saying it a whole lot more than I'd care to. I have a hard time writing about things when I'm stressed out; I can't get my thoughts organized, and I'm always stressed here.
Karlee is okay. They don't know whats wrong but I think it was just stress because she was away from Kevin. He got back yesterday.
It's between Sterling and I on who next the next full-time position in trade. We both got in at the same time, we've both worked hard, and the instructors can only take one. We've yet to hear who they pick. I think it'll be Sterling- and if it is, I'm not worried about it. He deserves it.
I have a lot on my hands right now. I just got a permanent job at the student store where they sell snacks, drinks, and hygiene products, and I'll be making $40 extra dollars a month. I didn't do it for the money though...
When Jamie wasn't really talking to me and he was doing his own thing, Shaun Marceau, the head staff of Rec, came to me and asked if I wanted to try out for the job at the store. I'm pretty sure I'm one of his favorite students, and he had only asked because he knew I needed a distraction, so I told him I'd think about it. Then all of a sudden, Jamie did his turn around, and as much as I wanted to spend time with him, I didn't want to say no to Shaun since he'd made space especially for me and I'd already quit on him as Rec President (partly because I wanted more time with Jamie).
When I told Jamie about my predicament he made me feel really bad about taking the job. He was all offended and was like, "That's going to take up all of the time we usually spend together". I couldn't believe him! He had hardly spoken to me in weeks! We didn't have a time we usually spent together because we usually weren't together. I didn't think it was fair that he jumped all over my case because I decided I wanted to do something for me because I wasn't getting anywhere with him. And I told him exactly that. Then he told me that I should do whatever I felt was right for me - but it was the way he said it. (I partly took it for him - the store is separated from the rest of Rec by a metal
Anyway after a lot of stressing and few fitful nights, I decided that I really wanted to try out the job, that I deserved it, and I shouldn't let my relationship get in the way of what I really want to do. It shouldn't be that way anyway, it should coincide with it. I'd let my feelings for Jamie take over so much of my life that I couldn't remember what I wanted. Jamie wasn't very happy, mind you. I mean he didn't say anything directly, but I could tell.
So after a lot of quick learning and brain smarts, I ended up getting the job. I worked extra time, cleaned up the entire store, and reorganized and sorted files all the way back from '04! That's more than any of the other trainees did, and I'm pretty sure I would've gotten the job even if I hadn't done it, because I'm pretty charismatic; the Rec staff and students in charge of the store like me a lot. But, I decided if I was going to get the job, I wanted it to at least look fair - that I got chosen because I worked harder, not because I was pretty, a female, and easy to work with.
I really like the job. I'm really good at it and they need a woman's touch in there - badly. I make the store more tips than it's ever made, and I don't even have to work for them. I love the attention and it's a huge ego boost, which I've really been needing lately.
As for Jamie and I, we've been spending less and less time together. I feel like we're so artificial now. I keep trying to tell myself it's nothing, that we're okay, but we're not. I'm not. He's mad at me - again- and it's not fair. I didn't even mean to do anything and I apologized. I've done everything to make it better! I have so much bottled up inside and I want to just scream and cry becuase I've written pages and pages of poetry and simple thoughts, but none of it is good enough to explain how I feel.
I'm so frustrated. I'm so angry. I'm sad and lonely and full of hatred. I'm so young and naive and pathetic. I'm so different from who I used to be. I'm angry about all the bad things that have happened in my life. I'm sad that my friend Tyler's 18th birthday just passed and he's not around to celebrate it. I'm upset that I'm so alone here, even though I'm in a relationship. I want my mom. I want my friends. I want to see my grandpa's land again - my most favorite place in the world. I've been here almost five months. I'm 1/4 of the way done and I can't even see how I'm going to get through tomorrrow.
I hate being in this limbo with Jamie. He won't really talk to me and he makes me feel like everything is my fault. He had to ask himself why he was with me. He asked me why I was with him if he hurt me so much and made me feel like a piece of crap so often. And I told him it was because I couldn't just walk away from everything. I couldn't try and tell myself I didn't love him anymore because I would be lying to myself. When I'm happy with him, I'm really happy. It's stupid crap like this that tears me apart. I can't just forget the way it feels when he kisses me or when we laugh together. I don't want to give up on us. I don't believe that he can say all those I love you's the way he did and throw them all away. How can a person do that? I don't think that I could have invested all this time and effort and heartache for nothing. I don't just give my heart to anyone...
If this is it... what the hell was the point?
Hello, everyone. I think that I'll just stop apologizing for not writing as often as I should - otherwise I'll end up saying it a whole lot more than I'd care to. I have a hard time writing about things when I'm stressed out; I can't get my thoughts organized, and I'm always stressed here.
Karlee is okay. They don't know whats wrong but I think it was just stress because she was away from Kevin. He got back yesterday.
It's between Sterling and I on who next the next full-time position in trade. We both got in at the same time, we've both worked hard, and the instructors can only take one. We've yet to hear who they pick. I think it'll be Sterling- and if it is, I'm not worried about it. He deserves it.
I have a lot on my hands right now. I just got a permanent job at the student store where they sell snacks, drinks, and hygiene products, and I'll be making $40 extra dollars a month. I didn't do it for the money though...
When Jamie wasn't really talking to me and he was doing his own thing, Shaun Marceau, the head staff of Rec, came to me and asked if I wanted to try out for the job at the store. I'm pretty sure I'm one of his favorite students, and he had only asked because he knew I needed a distraction, so I told him I'd think about it. Then all of a sudden, Jamie did his turn around, and as much as I wanted to spend time with him, I didn't want to say no to Shaun since he'd made space especially for me and I'd already quit on him as Rec President (partly because I wanted more time with Jamie).
When I told Jamie about my predicament he made me feel really bad about taking the job. He was all offended and was like, "That's going to take up all of the time we usually spend together". I couldn't believe him! He had hardly spoken to me in weeks! We didn't have a time we usually spent together because we usually weren't together. I didn't think it was fair that he jumped all over my case because I decided I wanted to do something for me because I wasn't getting anywhere with him. And I told him exactly that. Then he told me that I should do whatever I felt was right for me - but it was the way he said it. (I partly took it for him - the store is separated from the rest of Rec by a metal
Anyway after a lot of stressing and few fitful nights, I decided that I really wanted to try out the job, that I deserved it, and I shouldn't let my relationship get in the way of what I really want to do. It shouldn't be that way anyway, it should coincide with it. I'd let my feelings for Jamie take over so much of my life that I couldn't remember what I wanted. Jamie wasn't very happy, mind you. I mean he didn't say anything directly, but I could tell.
So after a lot of quick learning and brain smarts, I ended up getting the job. I worked extra time, cleaned up the entire store, and reorganized and sorted files all the way back from '04! That's more than any of the other trainees did, and I'm pretty sure I would've gotten the job even if I hadn't done it, because I'm pretty charismatic; the Rec staff and students in charge of the store like me a lot. But, I decided if I was going to get the job, I wanted it to at least look fair - that I got chosen because I worked harder, not because I was pretty, a female, and easy to work with.
I really like the job. I'm really good at it and they need a woman's touch in there - badly. I make the store more tips than it's ever made, and I don't even have to work for them. I love the attention and it's a huge ego boost, which I've really been needing lately.
As for Jamie and I, we've been spending less and less time together. I feel like we're so artificial now. I keep trying to tell myself it's nothing, that we're okay, but we're not. I'm not. He's mad at me - again- and it's not fair. I didn't even mean to do anything and I apologized. I've done everything to make it better! I have so much bottled up inside and I want to just scream and cry becuase I've written pages and pages of poetry and simple thoughts, but none of it is good enough to explain how I feel.
I'm so frustrated. I'm so angry. I'm sad and lonely and full of hatred. I'm so young and naive and pathetic. I'm so different from who I used to be. I'm angry about all the bad things that have happened in my life. I'm sad that my friend Tyler's 18th birthday just passed and he's not around to celebrate it. I'm upset that I'm so alone here, even though I'm in a relationship. I want my mom. I want my friends. I want to see my grandpa's land again - my most favorite place in the world. I've been here almost five months. I'm 1/4 of the way done and I can't even see how I'm going to get through tomorrrow.
I hate being in this limbo with Jamie. He won't really talk to me and he makes me feel like everything is my fault. He had to ask himself why he was with me. He asked me why I was with him if he hurt me so much and made me feel like a piece of crap so often. And I told him it was because I couldn't just walk away from everything. I couldn't try and tell myself I didn't love him anymore because I would be lying to myself. When I'm happy with him, I'm really happy. It's stupid crap like this that tears me apart. I can't just forget the way it feels when he kisses me or when we laugh together. I don't want to give up on us. I don't believe that he can say all those I love you's the way he did and throw them all away. How can a person do that? I don't think that I could have invested all this time and effort and heartache for nothing. I don't just give my heart to anyone...
If this is it... what the hell was the point?
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sunday.
Day 146--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whew, had a little bit of a Day mix up but I went back and corrected it. Officially Day 146.
So... looks like I spoke too soon when I said that it hadn't looked much like winter - it's snowing now. Doesn't look like it's stopping anytimes soon. Great.
Not much to do around here when it's snowin on a Sunday. Just cleanin my room then going down to Rec later.
Oh, almost forgot to mention, Karlee is in the hospital right now. Barb - our dorm staff - came and took her about half an hour ago. We're afriad she might have Appendicitis. Good thing is, if she does, we've caught it way ahead of time.
Whew, had a little bit of a Day mix up but I went back and corrected it. Officially Day 146.
So... looks like I spoke too soon when I said that it hadn't looked much like winter - it's snowing now. Doesn't look like it's stopping anytimes soon. Great.
Not much to do around here when it's snowin on a Sunday. Just cleanin my room then going down to Rec later.
Oh, almost forgot to mention, Karlee is in the hospital right now. Barb - our dorm staff - came and took her about half an hour ago. We're afriad she might have Appendicitis. Good thing is, if she does, we've caught it way ahead of time.
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