New Blog Title

Day 84----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


 Since 'Eli' is the person I have become while attending Fort Simcoe Job Corps and is also the main character of the life I have been continuously rewriting, I thought Moments in the Life of Eli would be an appropriate blog title. It's funny how it took me almost 3 months of being 'Eli' to figure out what I wanted to name my blog.*

I won't always be called Eli and I think that the most vital 'Eli' phase will be held here at Job Corps. I plan on continuing my blogging over the next stages of my life, every stage becoming a new blog relating to the  environment and adventure I will be thrown into. But for now, while this part of my life is still unfolding, this blog shall be the beholder of all my thoughts, sorrows, and pleasures.



*I considered The Book of Eli but that seemed too cheesy since there has already been a movie about that.

Thanksgiving Weekend / Personal Struggle

Day 83----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Pretty slow and not much to talk about, but I had fun with Jamie and his family. His mom really liked me and she said I'm an excellent house guest and that I am certainly welcome anytime. I met some of Jamie's friends and we stayed out until about 10 or 11. Don't worry we didn't do anything illegal. :P

Jamie and I had a really good time. We stayed up late watching movies and drinking hot cocoa with peppermint ice cream. It was nice to spend some quality time with him and get to know how he is in the real world, instead of only seeing Job Corps behavior. It was very relaxing and turns out that we may be the only sane people at Fort Simcoe. I'm very grateful that he invited me for the holiday; I really needed to get away.


I hated to come back today. I don't like it here, the emotional atmosphere is depressing to the soul. I'm finding that it's very easy to slip back into the place of darkness that I was stuck in for almost 2 1/2 months. I'm up and down. I'm afraid that I really may have bipolar / hypomania disorder. I don't know why I'm so anxious all the time. I'm in trade, I've almost comepleted G.E.D., and I've made my impression on the staff that I am a good student and can be trusted. I AM O-K-A-Y! If I repeat that over and over to myself it makes me feel a bit better. I have to remind myself that I have found solid ground. All the peices are falling into place as they should. Relax, everything is going to be alright. Remember everything is as it should be. I am okay.

Cold

Day 78, 3rd Vocational Training Day---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More snow. We got about a total of 7 inches last night and accumulated about 1 or 2 more inches today. It's damn cold. I love you, Ma, for the hot packs, but they're so old they only last about 4 hours, not the 10 they are supposed to last for. We shoveled snow for the first two hours of trade today and, once we were finished, put tires and hustled to make our work site and the center as safe as possible. It's very slick out. I haven't seen snow in 24 months (Sequim was without snow last winter) and I clearly have lost my 'snow feet'. I've fallen on my butt several times and my tail bone has the bruises to prove it. It's about -4 right now. I'm gonna die.

I'm very excited to go away for Thanksgiving. Leaving tomorrow at 2pm. Thank the Lord. Warmth and no responsibilities.

Frostbit

Day 77, 2nd Vocational Training Day--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


It has been snowing all day and it hasn't reached above 32 degrees. I was not prepared today. We had to stand outside and make sure that all the machines were running. This means doing your five fluid checks; diesel fluid, engine oil, transmission oil, hydraulic oil, and coolant. Then we had to climb up, sit in an open cab (or a closed one with no heater), then pray the engine starts, and turn the key. If the engine starts then you get to sit in the cold for 10 - 15 min and warm it up. If not, then you get to climb down, diagnose the problem, and fix it. No breaks, no warm ups, just outside all day. I was not wearing enough layers and my legs are frostbitten. Since the warehouse is out of long underwear, I'm going to wear pajamas, sweats, and jeans tomorrow. I am NOT going to freeze my ass off for eight hours again.

Winter

Day 76-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winter is here at Fort Simcoe. We got a light dusting of snow last night and we're expected to get 1 to 3 inches again tonight. I'm pretty excited. I love snow! I'm like a little kid in a candy store right now. I'm all bundled up, walking around with the heat packs Mom sent, my scarf wrapped so tight, and my beanie pulled down so far down my ears that all you can see is my eyes. I feel like an Eskimo. :-)
I finally have an excuse to listen to Christmas music (thank God, I've only been waiting since August).

I went on Day Pass yesterday. Every Saturday you have an opportunity to go on Day Pass and they take a bus into Yakima to the mall or Walmart. Anyway, I went to the mall looking for shoes and tights to go with my brown dress for Thanksgiving. Now I really hate shopping. I always have an idea about what I want, but no idea where to start looking. So yesterday, I gathered all the shopping sense I had and stopped at Payless Shoes first. I didn't want to spend a million bucks on a pair of shoes I would wear maybe twice a year. As I was looking through the selections I started feeling really hopeless. Oh my goodness, why in the world are there so many designs?? Of course I have no idea whats in style or what might be too much, you know? And every time I put on a pair of heels I could hear my toes screaming. Why in the world do women torture themselves to look 'classy'? I figured I was asking too much to find an 9 1/2W that didn't make my feet look like Frodo Baggins'. I tried to cram my feet into all kinds of 8s and 8 1/2s. Yeah, wasn't going to happen. I was so frustrated I almost gave up, but I decided to take a shot in the big foot section. As I was carelessly scanning the rows and rows of impractical shoes, I spotted a sticker that was out of place and said '9 1/2W'. No way. Next to this sticker was another bright yellow sticker that said '$10'. Oh my gosh! The label on the box noted 'dark brown, two inch heel'. You gotta be freakin kidding me!  I took the lid off the box and I swear the ceiling opened, the skies parted, angels sang, and heaven shone down on this pair of shoes. I put them on and they were perfect. I snatched them up and took them to the front counter and the girl asked me if  wanted socks or something for half price! I asked for some tights and she picked out the last pair of matching brown ones. I was so excited! I got the finished touches to my outfit for 15 bucks and all under 15min. (Yeah I know, I make it seem like I was in the store forever, but 15 minutes is a long time for this redneck).

After my success at the shoe store I went looking for a present for Jamie's mom, Dawn. My mom told me I should go empty handed and she was right. I knew that Dawn liked quilting and art so I went looking for an arts and crafts store. I never did find one (then again I wasn't putting much effort into looking, I'm so helpless in a mall), but I did see a BIG sign that said 'Up to 50% OFF all FRAMED PAINTINGS'. I was curious so I took the escalator and went to take a look. There were some really beautiful pieces that reminded me of home and the rodeo. It was hard to tell on a few pieces whether it had been painted or photographed. After I was done admiring I was about to walk out when I saw a painting of a farm house with a quote; "Families are stitched together with memories". There were fields surrounding the farm house that had been painted to look like a quited blanket. Wow, that's perfect. I frowned when I saw the price though. It was 88 bucks. Damn. Too bad. Then the salesman came up behind me, I guess noticing my interest and said, "I can lower this one to about $35". I gave him a look that must have been pretty silly since he furrowed his brow and gave me a frown. I quickly recovered and told him that I'd take it. Tax came to about 5$ but I thought it was still a good deal. He seemed eager to get rid of it, which made me wonder if I had made a wise choice, but I'm still happy with my purchase, and I figured he was just happy to get it off the wall. I was afraid it might be too big of a gift for not only is it a rather large painting, but it also wasn't some cheapo Hallmark 'thank you' card. So I called Mom to get some reassurance and she said the gift was very classy and I did I good job. Yay!

After I got all my shopping done, I found a Hurricane Coffee (Tully's, for those of you in different areas), ordered a white peppermint mocha (it must of been the best I've ever had), and a heated cinnamon roll. I then found a comfy couch in the corner where I wouldn't be bothered, curled up with my holiday coffee and pastry, and got a whole 2 hours to enjoy my book. They were even playing Christmas music inside the lounge! I definitely had a perfect day at the mall. :)

Lost

Day 74------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I haven't written in a week, as many of you may have noticed. I have been very stressed and I have been making every problem that has come my way a thousand times bigger than it needs to be. I've been an oversensitive, serious, workaholic more and more since I got to Job Corps. My work loads have been far too large and I have been trying to take on the world. I might have potential to be a very successful person, but I've just been doing to much and the only person that brought all this distress on me, was myself. Every other thing brought me to tears, I didn't find jokes funny, teasing upset me, and too much attention from people drove me crazy, but not enough made me lonely. I constantly felt like someone was going to try and stab me in the back. I felt like I was walking on thin ice, like any moment I would screw up and that would be the end.


But this is what had happened; I had forgot who I was. I was becoming a person that everyone else had invented. If someone thought something about me, I usually ended up looking foolish trying to prove them wrong, and they ended up looking like they were right. I was caring too much. Yes, take into consideration the way the world looks at you, but don't strive upon it.

The night before last my 'Vice' Rec President, Sterling Fosnow, quit because I was overdoing my job as 'President'. I was acting as if he was lesser and putting the workload on him if I couldn't make time in my schedule because I was busy doing another 'more important' project. I now realize I was certainly in the wrong. I think I was trying to beat him down, like I wanted to be the one in the spot light and I didn't like the competition.

Anyway, I told my Rec boss that Sterling had quit and he automatically asked, "Was it because of you?"
"... damn, he's good," I thought.
I then told him, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was. I guess he just couldn't handle me. I'm just too full of awesomeness."
Of course the only reason that I answered like that was to hide my own insecurities (which I'm totally over now by the way). So our bosses sat me down to hear my side, then the same to Sterling for his side, and then they brought us both in and gave us their feedback.

Long story short, they told me that I shouldn't have been treating him the way I was and I should have his back when students throw him attitude. My Rec bosses didn't say anything that I didn't already know, but for some reason I was stuck in some twisted world of self-righteousness. I wouldn't, couldn't, admit that they were right and I accused them of picking on me. I then scrambled for some excuse to rectify my childish behavior.

That's about when I asked to be excused because I knew I was making a fool of myself and tears were starting to well up underneath my eyelids. As soon as I stepped out of the Recreation doors, my tears, full of rage and frustration, poured down my face. Who was that person? That's not me. Where did I go? I'm not happy anymore. How come am I not happy? What happened? Why am I so lost??

I walked as fast as I could back to the dorms. When I opened the front door and walked down the hall to my room, I kept my hood on and my head down so no one would see me cry. I jammed my room key into the lock and swung the door open. Thank God my roommate, Michelle, wasn't there. The last thing I wanted was to see anyone. I threw my jacket against the wall and flopped onto my bed. I wept into my pillow until I got tired of feeling sorry for myself. Rolled over and just stared at the ceiling. I remembered how someone once told me that when you're at a loss place yourself in the corner (figuratively speaking), take a step back, and take note of everything you see.

So while I was laying in the dark I did just that. I placed myself in the corner and began to record just the person I had become. This is what I saw; a sad, nervous, innocent, modest, serious, quiet, 16 year old girl, who had no street smarts, a lack for sense of humor, and was not able to handle the pressure that comes from a close knit society.

"Who is that?" I thought. Everything that I was had almost been totally wiped away. I wasn't the laid back, headstrong, boisterous, and tough young woman that I was back home. I wanted people to listen because I was respected, not pitied. I wanted to be tested, not expected to do well. I wanted to be appreciated, not taken for granted. I wanted to be ME, not a girl that everyone had made assumptions about, a girl everyone had made up.

I used to think that it would be fun to go somewhere where no one knew you so you could rewrite your life, no one would know any better. But after I hit rock bottom, after I'd finally lost my grip on my 'reality', I realized that I didn't have anything to hide. I am the way I am because that is who I am. I remembered that I don't have to prove myself to the rest of the world to be brilliant or special, I'm already that way. I like being confident and feeling unstoppable, invincible even. That is me!

So I have since redefined myself and quite frankly, I've never felt better. I'm happy. I'm smiling. I'm laughing and able to joke with my friends and tease them. Whatever hole I was stuck in I've climbed out of (with the help of a few special people). I wasn't sure what was going to happen there for a while. But as of right now, I'm pretty sure I don't really give a damn. I'm just going to do my best and have fun doing it. What's the point of life if you aren't going to have fun living it?! There isn't enough time to wallow and everyday should be a day of celebration. I can tell you this; as long as I never have to go back to that pit of hopelessness and despair, I'll celebrate everyday of my life.



I really missed me.

November 12, 2010

*I'm catching up for the blog I did not have time to write on friday*

November 12, 2010

Day 67, 1st Vocational Training Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today I ended up having a pretty good day. I was really nervous because it was my first day officially in trade. My head instructor, Scott Ferguson, kind of scares me a little bit. He wasn't there today and I am very grateful, it only would have added more pressure on me.

I have already made several friends who are in H.E.R., and they quickly got me involved in a project. I was a little reluctant at first, afraid I would break something or mess up, but they insisted and explained that the only way I would really learn is if I tried it. So even though I didn't understand most of the stuff I was fixing, they coached me through it and we managed to get it done.

I learned all about brakes on heavy machinery because we replaced... um... well I can't remember exactly what it was called, but it was a little thingy that was attached to the air tank for the brakes. It's supposed to pop at about 175 psi* but it was popping off at 135 psi which is way too early. It has something to do with safety. I can't remember exactly what it prevents, why, or how it works, but if you told me to fix it, I would remember how to put it together and I could do it again. Besides, that's what I have a whole 21 months and 3 weeks for; to figure out the details.
We also fixed a hydraulic hose that moved a part on something. I can't explain it to you but I could show you what it did.

On another note, since Jamie and I are in the same trade, we can't act like we are romantically interested in one another, or basically anything other than acquaintances, especially if there are rumors going around saying that we are. Trade related relationships are highly frowned upon, and although I don't know what the punishment is, it could very well be removal from vocational training in that area. So Jamie and I spoke very few words to each other. In fact, I counted them and he only spoke ten words to me in the whole day, this includes earlier this morning before trade hours. I asked him where the tape measure was and he said, " I dunno* but I think I know where one is". Ha, wow, what a conversation. I know that he is pretty serious when he is working, and even if we weren't trying to watch our backs he would still act the same, but somehow it still hurt my feelings just a little.



*PSI means 'punds per square inch'
*'dunno' is slang for 'don't know'. He said it just like that too, so it counts as one, instead of two, words.