Home sweet... Job Corps?

Day 119--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I'm finally back at Job Corps. And first thing I realized once I started unpacking is that some clothes were missing from the ones I left here. Some Sequim sweatpants, my football sweatshirt, double kneed carhartts, Mom's snowflake pj's she sent me a while back, and some assorted sports/ work out clothing. A little bummed but I'll have to live.


I'm almost kind of relieved to be back. At home I struggled to find a purpose to my life. Like there was nothing for me to want, need, or pursue. I moped around on the couch most of the time and I didn't get to see all the people I wanted to see which I'm a little disappointed but that's what happens when you can't drive legally. At least here at Job Corps, I don't have to find something to do to be busy. I just always have something that needs to be done, even if I'm at a constant high stress level. I need to find a median...


I must have been a pretty different person when I came home. Mom, her caregiver, and even my friends noticed a change. Whether it's good or bad I'm not sure. But hopefully I've brought a little bit of the home me back into my life to stay because for a minute there I almost completely lost myself. I don't like the person I become here; anxious, high strung, and pessimistic, just to name a few. I just keep prayin for a little bit more strength.


It was good to be home but it didn't really feel like my home anymore. I felt like I was staying as a guest in my mom's house. Everything is different. The house is remodeled, there are new hardwood floors, my room has new furniture, the chickens aren't even the ones I raised (all but one was eaten and mom got new ones). All these things are good changes. And I'm happy for Mom because I know that she's very excited about it. But it's different for me. Then again, I never really knew the house anyway. We'd moved in April, so I only lived there like 4 or 5 months before I came to Job Corps.
Not only the house, but my friends and even town itself is different. My stepsister Mikayla is living with her boyfriend, Ryan moved, Zach lives with Jeremy, Monica is back in Sequim while her husband, Nathan, is in texas doing Airforce stuff. There's a new Taco Bell, and Ross is comin in along with Bargain Market. They built all new buildings right downtown and they've added an entirely new apartment complex between 101 Diner and Walgreens. I was only gone 3 1/2 months! All different from the Sequim I called home...
So for now I kind of feel like I'm floating around, waiting for my place in this world to be known to me so I may feel right again. I guess that's what happens when you grow up. You can't really appreciate all the warmth and comfort and security your childhood brought until it's not there anymore. I wish that I could go back sometimes. Maybe to the second or third grade, when you're so busy enjoying living that you don't have time to worry if you're living the right way.


The last weekend before coming back to Job Corps, I decided to go visit Jamie in Ellensburg. I'd had enough playing house and I was anxious to be back with a friendly face (sorry Mom, I love you, but you don't count). The Greyhound sucked, I hate the city and the bus was an hour late. I was nervous because I'd never ridden Greayhound before and I've heard some bad stories, but I met some nice people from Tennesee and they helped me out and gave me some coaching. I ended up getting to Ellensburg with me and my bags in one piece.
So Jamie and I spent the last three days... well, doing pretty much nothing, but at least I was doing nothing with someone. I got Jamie a new sweatshirt and some Caterpillar keys for Christmas. Now before you ask or wonder, the answer is no, he didn't get me anything. I don't really mind because that's not what Christmas is about. Besides, I had a good amount of money and nothing really to spend it on, so I spent most of it on gifts for my friends and family.
We didn't do anything for the New Year, just stayed up watching movies and watched some fireworks from the window. I do have New Year's Resolutions though. It's to relax, believe in myself and others, and not worry about so much all the time. It seems I'm going to have to write it on my forehead and stick it to my back so people can remind me what they are. I've only been here a few hours and I'm already stressin' out. I have a hard time remembering that even if things don't turn out they way I carefully and painstakingly planned, it's not the end of the world and the sky will not fall. I'm always worried I'm going to bother the people around me because I'm such a pessimist, but maybe if I didn't worry about it so much, people wouldn't think I was pessimistic. Funny how a cycle like that is so easy to start, and so much harder to break. Good news is, they go hand in hand and if you get rid of one negetivity, you'll get rid of the other.


Anyway, Jamie and I made it on the bus to head back here at 1530 today and ironically, it was the shortest bus ride of my life. When you think about it, I wasn't leaving anything behind. My old life is already gone.