Secrets

I wrote this blog about a week ago. I started telling about my day and eventually started venting about things in my life. I posted it overnight and then deleted it the next morning, feeling foolish, young, and naive for the things I wrote about and exposing so much of my feelings to my friends and family. But many people have been asking me how things are with friends (Jamie mostly) so I decided I should pull this out from the attic and share with you how I feel things are going, with out sugar coating them. This blog had been extended with my present thoughts at the bottom.



Day 124-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I went on day pass today with Karlee and our friend Kayla. Karlee went shopping for McGee and had to buy a TON of food since McGee is not allowed to go on day pass yet. While the two of them shopped I went to Starbucks to use the Wi-Fi to download books onto my kindle that my mom got me. Other than that the day was pretty uneventful.

You may have noticed that I have been able to write more often recently. Well that is because Jamie and I haven't been spending as much time together. In fact, I've spent most of my time in the dorm since I got here. We were really close before we left for Winter Break. We spent all the hours we could together, often accompanied by Kevin and Karlee. But now it seems that those 14 days apart really tore us apart. When I went to his house on the 31st it was so good to see him. We laughed and talked and it was like Thanksgiving all over again. But after that first day he started to get distant. I figured that it was just because we had to go back the last time we went back he was the same way. Then once we got here it continued. When I asked him what was wrong all I got was an "I don't feel good".

I felt so inadequate. I felt like I should know what to do make him feel better because we used to spend so much time together. So not knowing what else to do I went and did what I do best: rebellion. For some reason it makes me feel like I'm in control of at least something. I went and smoked some cigarettes with some friends that Jamie doesn't like me to hang out with. I quit smoking and hanging out with those people in the first place because his friendship meant more to me. Then of course it turned into one of those wrong place wrong time kind of situations and Jamie walked by. Uh oh. That just made matters worse and definitely put me in the dog house. If there wasn't anything wrong before there certainly was now.

After a whole 24 hours of kicking myself in the ass, Jamie came and talked to me and said that the only reason he was angry was because he cared and he had trusted me to not to stupid things when I knew he didn't like them. He asked me if there was any reason he should trust me and I said no. I kept trying to come up with excuses for my selfish and, quite honestly, childish behavior and I couldn't. They all sounded so lame. So I finally just bit my tongue and apologized. He told me that I'd have to earn his trust again and that it wouldn't happen overnight. So after that I figured it be easier to stay in the dorm if I wasn't hanging out with him or Karlee so I wouldn't be tempted to do something foolish.

I just realized that this all happened on Tuesday, so it's only been four days. Sometimes he doesn't talk to me, just shrugs or gives me a grunt when I ask him things. He won't hug me or make eye contact. It feels like we haven't been friends in ages. But then, sometimes he'll be almost normal and I'll try my hardest to take advantage and reach my heart out towards him. And he'll laugh and play almost like he used to. It feels forced though. Maybe he is still getting used to being back or he's still upset with me. I can understand, it really hasn't been that long. It's just that time goes by so painfully slow here. It feels like I've been back for a month and it hasn't even been a full week.

A Conversation with Myself

What if it's me though? What if I've ruined our friendship? What if I'm not good enough? Maybe I'm too clingy? Or too smart? Maybe I'm abrasive. Maybe I'm narcissistic. What if it's nothing and he's just going through a hard time and can't talk about it? What if I'm just so anxious for time to move faster that I am rushing everything, including my relationships with everyone around me? Maybe I'm so desperate for some familiarities that I'm acting as if my friends here should tell me everything and visa versa.

I have hundreds of 'what if's' and a million more doubts. The list is endless.

Patience.

That's what I'm praying for. I keep telling myself that it's alright, just slow down. It will all even out in time. But how much time? Next week? Next month? Maybe months from now. It all seems so far away. I want things to be alright now. I want to be back to normal. I'll never quite be comfortable here, but when Jamie was right, at least I felt safe.

Before I left, it seemed everything at Job Corps was wrong and the only thing that was right was mine and Jamie's friendship. Now, it seems like I'm finally confident in my job and my studies, and I'm confident I can do well here... but the only thing that isn't working is us.

Faith and Courage

Sometimes I believe that everything happens for a reason. Also, the more honest and comfortable I am with myself, the closer I will feel to God, and the closer the people around me will be.
Even if things don't work out the way I thought, something better will come of it. I'll have learned something that I needed to know. I have to remember that when it seems that everything I have worked for has failed, I'll still have everything I started out with - my Self. And that's all I need to start over.




Day 130------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This post really reveals my feelings about Jamie, but I assume that most of you have caught on. If not, I apologize for the rude and sudden announcement. But it has become a big part of my life here and I felt it was necessary to reveal the truth.

Once again, it hasn't been that long since I wrote that post, but like I said, time passes so slowly. And I've been trying hard not to keep score against him, but here, every moment counts. I have to spend every moment of every day looking at the same people, the same buildings, the same trees, patch of sky, and terrain. Nothing changes. The only thing that really puts any emotion into my life here is my social life, and I hardly have one of those anymore. The days flew by when we were together. I never wanted a day to end because I was spending my moments with Jamie.

He made it not quite so terrible to have to wake up in the morning to see the white brick walls, laying in the bed that has belonged to so many people before me. I had a different reason to be anxious for work to be over; so we could be together. Now, I can't wait to hear the work bell ring so I can go back to the four walls and lay on the bed that isn't really mine. I can't wait till the end of the day so I can stare at the ceiling and will myself into a dreamless sleep. That way I don't have to watch the seconds tick by.

I'm not sure what happened or where we went wrong, and I KNOW it wasn't because of the argument we had. I think that was just an excuse. There's something else on Jamie's mind that has been bothering him for a while. His mom has just gone to Haiti with her church, he hates it here, he wants to go home, and he struggles in school. But how can that be it? He is not the only one who wants to go home. He's not the only one who gets sick when eats the food here. He is not the only one who struggles in school and he's not the only one with loved ones in dangerous places. He is not alone, yet he his isolating himself from the ones who want to help him. He is isolating himself from me.

I feel so helpless, so useless, because I can't fix whatever is broken inside of him. Isn't that what I am supposed to do? Isn't that my job? I've tried everything. I've helped with his homework (done it for him, I should say), stayed away when he said he needed space, came to him when he asked. Been there when he needed me. I've come up from behind him, given him a kiss on the cheek, and asked him how is day was. And I've been the silent girlfriend when he went to go do guys stuff with his buddies. This is when I begin to wonder if I'm even good enough to be with him. Maybe he came to realization that I'm not the amazing person he thought I was.

It didn't used to be this way. Things between me and Jamie used to be so Hollywood. But then again, aren't they always in the beginning? He used to walk me to the dorm and hold me until the last minute I had to go in. We would stand outside in the freezing wind and keep each other warm. He used to smile at me all the time. Hell, he used to joke with me, and he doesn't even do that anymore. He would hold my hand at dinner in front of everyone. He was proud to be with me. Now, I try to hold his hand and he takes it and places in my lap. I see him and he doesn't even say hello, much less kiss me good morning. That's kind of a sure sign things aren't working. But when I talked to him about it he says he doesn't want to break things off. What am I to do?

I hate to leave him now, especially if he really is going through a hard time, and I'm not sure what I would do through out my day knowing it was really over. He gave me a dog tag of his that I never take off, and my neck would feel so light without it. What would I do without the sweatshirt he gave me? And how could I open my closet everyday and not see the hat that I borrowed so long ago that doesn't fit?

I don't understand how things could go so wrong so fast, but Mom always said that I go through my life phases very quickly. My first three and a half months here were like her freshman year in college, and the next six are going to be like her college 'sophomore slump'.
Why does that have to be true with the things I want and love the most. I'm tired of burning the fuses out on love and relationships in my life. Yes, I know, I'm young yet and I have a lot to learn and a whole lot more toads to kiss. But how am I supposed to get through this place alone?

I know that Jamie is not the type to come running back and if I let him go, I let him go forever. He's also stubborn and will never admit to the error of his ways. So I don't know if I should be patient and wait this out, no matter how agonizingly long it takes, or break it off while I still have a bit of my dignity left. I can be alone without a relationship or alone in one.

Why can't I fix this? I'm so angry at myself. I'm so angry I let this happen. I'm so mad for being foolish and getting into a relationship in the first place. I know better! I have been through this before! This is history repeating itself. How could I possibly think that a guy at Job Corps, of all places, would be any different than the ones back home? Or maybe I'm seeing this wrong. How could I think I stand anymore of a chance with the men here as I did back home? Do I have a right to be angry at him? Am I making this up in my head because I am scared he's going to realize what a waste of time I am, like every other man before him? I mean, even my own father couldn't hang around until I was a teenager. (I'm sorry Daddy, I love you, but that's how I feel.) It took John ages to get used to me and I think the only reason he put up with me sometimes is because he loved my mother. Am I that much of a handful? Why can't I be better? Why do I have to be different?

I just want this to be over. I have 451 days until my 18th birthday and I  promise you, that is 451 days too long, and 451 days I have to fight to find a reason to stay here.

If I leave him now, I'll be on my own for the next 451 worst days of my life, wasting away, sad, lonely and depressed. And if I stay, I will mean that I will have lied to myself, my friends, and family about the strong woman I've always been. But to be honest with you, I don't feel that strong anymore. I don't remember why I left home because nothing, nothing, could be as bad as this. So I don't think I have anything more to lose. I've already lost pretty much all the virtue I thought I had, so whatever comes of this thing that I call a relationship, I'll probably end up on bottom anyways.




P.S.

Today was our two month marker... I didn't get a kiss. I didn't get a hug. I didn't even get one word. Even though I said "Good morning, I love you. Happy Anniversary."

I'm not even sure if that hurts anymore. How do you break a heart that's already been shattered?

How do change a future that's already been written by the history behind it?