Day 222----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't been able to blog recently because Job Corps has blocked all student access to the internet. When they start it back up again, all social networking is going to be blocked, including blogger.
I'm sorry everyone, this blog reallly meant a lot to me. I love writing, I always have. To see the words dance across the page is like an artist painting across a canvas. I'm going to try to blog on Saturdays when I go out on day pass, but as far as fighting for my right to blog, I'm done. I've been trying to fight the system ever since I got here but I'm done.
I'm tired and broken, I've decided to just give up and do what they say. I'll be out of here and on to college by September. If being quiet and compliant is what they want, they can have it.
All they do is screw us around. I'm done, and they win.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Frustration and Philosophy
Day 211, 58th Vocational Trade Day--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been appointed Assistant Foreman in trade, along with Sterling (Shawntelle is Foreman), and many of the guys are not happy about it. One in particular. He started a whole thing saying that I was flirting with my instructor, and I didn't deserve the position. There's a lot of talk about me being power hungry and abusing my position.
Well the whole thing about my instructor is absurd, this person only started that rumor because he must be jealous and angry with me because I got the position. And as far as foremanship goes, yes, I am serious about trade and completing as soon as possible and I'm going to try my best not to screw up this opportunity. I admit that I don't know everything there is to know about trade, I'm still learning, and I have a lot to learn. But rather than rag on me, why can't they help me so I'm ready for Foreman once Shawntelle leaves?
As far as trying to differentiate between what's fact and what's fiction, I've decided to stop trying to figure it out, and instead just lay everything out on the table and take it for what it is. There are too many variables, too many 'what ifs'. And there are too many things along with too many people involved that - in the long run - will have absolutely no impression on my life whatsoever.
So I'm not sure if I've said this before, but if I have I really need to learn how to follow my own advice.
Don't stress about the past, because you can't change it. Don't worry about the future because it hasn't happened yet. And enjoy the present because every moment you live becomes a moment in your past, and how you live it determines what will happen in your future and who you will become. If you don't like who you are, the only person you have to blame is yourself, and the only one who can help you is you.
I've been appointed Assistant Foreman in trade, along with Sterling (Shawntelle is Foreman), and many of the guys are not happy about it. One in particular. He started a whole thing saying that I was flirting with my instructor, and I didn't deserve the position. There's a lot of talk about me being power hungry and abusing my position.
Well the whole thing about my instructor is absurd, this person only started that rumor because he must be jealous and angry with me because I got the position. And as far as foremanship goes, yes, I am serious about trade and completing as soon as possible and I'm going to try my best not to screw up this opportunity. I admit that I don't know everything there is to know about trade, I'm still learning, and I have a lot to learn. But rather than rag on me, why can't they help me so I'm ready for Foreman once Shawntelle leaves?
As far as trying to differentiate between what's fact and what's fiction, I've decided to stop trying to figure it out, and instead just lay everything out on the table and take it for what it is. There are too many variables, too many 'what ifs'. And there are too many things along with too many people involved that - in the long run - will have absolutely no impression on my life whatsoever.
So I'm not sure if I've said this before, but if I have I really need to learn how to follow my own advice.
Don't stress about the past, because you can't change it. Don't worry about the future because it hasn't happened yet. And enjoy the present because every moment you live becomes a moment in your past, and how you live it determines what will happen in your future and who you will become. If you don't like who you are, the only person you have to blame is yourself, and the only one who can help you is you.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Cobwebs
Day 208--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself today and, as I was staring blankly out the window, I came to the realization that I didn't want to go home. Not really.
I kept thinking to myself that I don't want to be here anymore, that I want to go home, but then I thought of how lost I felt at home during winter break. I didn't know what it was but it didn't feel right and I couldn't figure it out for the longest time. I knew I didn't want to be here, but I couldn't go home, so what was it I wanted?? ... Then it dawned on me.
Everyone here always says how much they want to go home and leave Job Corps, but rarely anyone actually quits. It's because we all come here for a reason. And no matter that reason may be, in our hearts we all know that when we talk about leaving, we're really talking about going back, back in time. At least, that's what I realized I've been desiring the most.
I miss the carelessness of being a child. Back when I was young, I mean really young, I enjoyed every new experience. I was so quick to forgive and I wasn't afraid to laugh out loud. Everyone was perfect and the weather was always good enough for me to play in.
Now I'm faced with important decisions, things, and people that will shape my life forever. Every little action has a consequence that no one can sum up for besides myself. It's a big world out there, a small world here, but the burden is just as heavy.
I miss Mom and Daddy and John. And I really, really miss Grandma and Grandpa. I just wish that when I was younger, I had appreciated every moment of every day, especially the days I spent with them. Because now I'm the only one who can take care of me, and I have big plans, so I pray that I can find the time to spend with them since I hardly have time for myself, and it seems like it's all going by so fast.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying really hard to remember my past and hold on to the present, but they're just cobwebs of my life that slip through my fingers as I fall into the future.
I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself today and, as I was staring blankly out the window, I came to the realization that I didn't want to go home. Not really.
I kept thinking to myself that I don't want to be here anymore, that I want to go home, but then I thought of how lost I felt at home during winter break. I didn't know what it was but it didn't feel right and I couldn't figure it out for the longest time. I knew I didn't want to be here, but I couldn't go home, so what was it I wanted?? ... Then it dawned on me.
Everyone here always says how much they want to go home and leave Job Corps, but rarely anyone actually quits. It's because we all come here for a reason. And no matter that reason may be, in our hearts we all know that when we talk about leaving, we're really talking about going back, back in time. At least, that's what I realized I've been desiring the most.
I miss the carelessness of being a child. Back when I was young, I mean really young, I enjoyed every new experience. I was so quick to forgive and I wasn't afraid to laugh out loud. Everyone was perfect and the weather was always good enough for me to play in.
Now I'm faced with important decisions, things, and people that will shape my life forever. Every little action has a consequence that no one can sum up for besides myself. It's a big world out there, a small world here, but the burden is just as heavy.
I miss Mom and Daddy and John. And I really, really miss Grandma and Grandpa. I just wish that when I was younger, I had appreciated every moment of every day, especially the days I spent with them. Because now I'm the only one who can take care of me, and I have big plans, so I pray that I can find the time to spend with them since I hardly have time for myself, and it seems like it's all going by so fast.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying really hard to remember my past and hold on to the present, but they're just cobwebs of my life that slip through my fingers as I fall into the future.
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