Cobwebs

Day 208--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself today and, as I was staring blankly out the window, I came to the realization that I didn't want to go home. Not really.

I kept thinking to myself that I don't want to be here anymore, that I want to go home, but then I thought of how lost I felt at home during winter break. I didn't know what it was but it didn't feel right and I couldn't figure it out for the longest time. I knew I didn't want to be here, but I couldn't go home, so what was it I wanted?? ... Then it dawned on me.

Everyone here always says how much they want to go home and leave Job Corps, but rarely anyone actually quits. It's because we all come here for a reason. And no matter that reason may be, in our hearts we all know that when we talk about leaving, we're really talking about going back, back in time. At least, that's what I realized I've been desiring the most.

I miss the carelessness of being a child. Back when I was young, I mean really young, I enjoyed every new experience. I was so quick to forgive and I wasn't afraid to laugh out loud. Everyone was perfect and the weather was always good enough for me to play in.

Now I'm faced with important decisions, things, and people that will shape my life forever. Every little action has a consequence that no one can sum up for besides myself. It's a big world out there, a small world here, but the burden is just as heavy.

I miss Mom and Daddy and John. And I really, really miss Grandma and Grandpa. I just wish that when I was younger, I had appreciated every moment of every day, especially the days I spent with them. Because now I'm the only one who can take care of me, and I have big plans, so I pray that I can find the time to spend with them since I hardly have time for myself, and it seems like it's all going by so fast.

Sometimes it feels like I'm trying really hard to remember my past and hold on to the present, but they're just cobwebs of my life that slip through my fingers as I fall into the future.