Lost

Day 74------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I haven't written in a week, as many of you may have noticed. I have been very stressed and I have been making every problem that has come my way a thousand times bigger than it needs to be. I've been an oversensitive, serious, workaholic more and more since I got to Job Corps. My work loads have been far too large and I have been trying to take on the world. I might have potential to be a very successful person, but I've just been doing to much and the only person that brought all this distress on me, was myself. Every other thing brought me to tears, I didn't find jokes funny, teasing upset me, and too much attention from people drove me crazy, but not enough made me lonely. I constantly felt like someone was going to try and stab me in the back. I felt like I was walking on thin ice, like any moment I would screw up and that would be the end.


But this is what had happened; I had forgot who I was. I was becoming a person that everyone else had invented. If someone thought something about me, I usually ended up looking foolish trying to prove them wrong, and they ended up looking like they were right. I was caring too much. Yes, take into consideration the way the world looks at you, but don't strive upon it.

The night before last my 'Vice' Rec President, Sterling Fosnow, quit because I was overdoing my job as 'President'. I was acting as if he was lesser and putting the workload on him if I couldn't make time in my schedule because I was busy doing another 'more important' project. I now realize I was certainly in the wrong. I think I was trying to beat him down, like I wanted to be the one in the spot light and I didn't like the competition.

Anyway, I told my Rec boss that Sterling had quit and he automatically asked, "Was it because of you?"
"... damn, he's good," I thought.
I then told him, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was. I guess he just couldn't handle me. I'm just too full of awesomeness."
Of course the only reason that I answered like that was to hide my own insecurities (which I'm totally over now by the way). So our bosses sat me down to hear my side, then the same to Sterling for his side, and then they brought us both in and gave us their feedback.

Long story short, they told me that I shouldn't have been treating him the way I was and I should have his back when students throw him attitude. My Rec bosses didn't say anything that I didn't already know, but for some reason I was stuck in some twisted world of self-righteousness. I wouldn't, couldn't, admit that they were right and I accused them of picking on me. I then scrambled for some excuse to rectify my childish behavior.

That's about when I asked to be excused because I knew I was making a fool of myself and tears were starting to well up underneath my eyelids. As soon as I stepped out of the Recreation doors, my tears, full of rage and frustration, poured down my face. Who was that person? That's not me. Where did I go? I'm not happy anymore. How come am I not happy? What happened? Why am I so lost??

I walked as fast as I could back to the dorms. When I opened the front door and walked down the hall to my room, I kept my hood on and my head down so no one would see me cry. I jammed my room key into the lock and swung the door open. Thank God my roommate, Michelle, wasn't there. The last thing I wanted was to see anyone. I threw my jacket against the wall and flopped onto my bed. I wept into my pillow until I got tired of feeling sorry for myself. Rolled over and just stared at the ceiling. I remembered how someone once told me that when you're at a loss place yourself in the corner (figuratively speaking), take a step back, and take note of everything you see.

So while I was laying in the dark I did just that. I placed myself in the corner and began to record just the person I had become. This is what I saw; a sad, nervous, innocent, modest, serious, quiet, 16 year old girl, who had no street smarts, a lack for sense of humor, and was not able to handle the pressure that comes from a close knit society.

"Who is that?" I thought. Everything that I was had almost been totally wiped away. I wasn't the laid back, headstrong, boisterous, and tough young woman that I was back home. I wanted people to listen because I was respected, not pitied. I wanted to be tested, not expected to do well. I wanted to be appreciated, not taken for granted. I wanted to be ME, not a girl that everyone had made assumptions about, a girl everyone had made up.

I used to think that it would be fun to go somewhere where no one knew you so you could rewrite your life, no one would know any better. But after I hit rock bottom, after I'd finally lost my grip on my 'reality', I realized that I didn't have anything to hide. I am the way I am because that is who I am. I remembered that I don't have to prove myself to the rest of the world to be brilliant or special, I'm already that way. I like being confident and feeling unstoppable, invincible even. That is me!

So I have since redefined myself and quite frankly, I've never felt better. I'm happy. I'm smiling. I'm laughing and able to joke with my friends and tease them. Whatever hole I was stuck in I've climbed out of (with the help of a few special people). I wasn't sure what was going to happen there for a while. But as of right now, I'm pretty sure I don't really give a damn. I'm just going to do my best and have fun doing it. What's the point of life if you aren't going to have fun living it?! There isn't enough time to wallow and everyday should be a day of celebration. I can tell you this; as long as I never have to go back to that pit of hopelessness and despair, I'll celebrate everyday of my life.



I really missed me.