Day 222----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't been able to blog recently because Job Corps has blocked all student access to the internet. When they start it back up again, all social networking is going to be blocked, including blogger.
I'm sorry everyone, this blog reallly meant a lot to me. I love writing, I always have. To see the words dance across the page is like an artist painting across a canvas. I'm going to try to blog on Saturdays when I go out on day pass, but as far as fighting for my right to blog, I'm done. I've been trying to fight the system ever since I got here but I'm done.
I'm tired and broken, I've decided to just give up and do what they say. I'll be out of here and on to college by September. If being quiet and compliant is what they want, they can have it.
All they do is screw us around. I'm done, and they win.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Frustration and Philosophy
Day 211, 58th Vocational Trade Day--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been appointed Assistant Foreman in trade, along with Sterling (Shawntelle is Foreman), and many of the guys are not happy about it. One in particular. He started a whole thing saying that I was flirting with my instructor, and I didn't deserve the position. There's a lot of talk about me being power hungry and abusing my position.
Well the whole thing about my instructor is absurd, this person only started that rumor because he must be jealous and angry with me because I got the position. And as far as foremanship goes, yes, I am serious about trade and completing as soon as possible and I'm going to try my best not to screw up this opportunity. I admit that I don't know everything there is to know about trade, I'm still learning, and I have a lot to learn. But rather than rag on me, why can't they help me so I'm ready for Foreman once Shawntelle leaves?
As far as trying to differentiate between what's fact and what's fiction, I've decided to stop trying to figure it out, and instead just lay everything out on the table and take it for what it is. There are too many variables, too many 'what ifs'. And there are too many things along with too many people involved that - in the long run - will have absolutely no impression on my life whatsoever.
So I'm not sure if I've said this before, but if I have I really need to learn how to follow my own advice.
Don't stress about the past, because you can't change it. Don't worry about the future because it hasn't happened yet. And enjoy the present because every moment you live becomes a moment in your past, and how you live it determines what will happen in your future and who you will become. If you don't like who you are, the only person you have to blame is yourself, and the only one who can help you is you.
I've been appointed Assistant Foreman in trade, along with Sterling (Shawntelle is Foreman), and many of the guys are not happy about it. One in particular. He started a whole thing saying that I was flirting with my instructor, and I didn't deserve the position. There's a lot of talk about me being power hungry and abusing my position.
Well the whole thing about my instructor is absurd, this person only started that rumor because he must be jealous and angry with me because I got the position. And as far as foremanship goes, yes, I am serious about trade and completing as soon as possible and I'm going to try my best not to screw up this opportunity. I admit that I don't know everything there is to know about trade, I'm still learning, and I have a lot to learn. But rather than rag on me, why can't they help me so I'm ready for Foreman once Shawntelle leaves?
As far as trying to differentiate between what's fact and what's fiction, I've decided to stop trying to figure it out, and instead just lay everything out on the table and take it for what it is. There are too many variables, too many 'what ifs'. And there are too many things along with too many people involved that - in the long run - will have absolutely no impression on my life whatsoever.
So I'm not sure if I've said this before, but if I have I really need to learn how to follow my own advice.
Don't stress about the past, because you can't change it. Don't worry about the future because it hasn't happened yet. And enjoy the present because every moment you live becomes a moment in your past, and how you live it determines what will happen in your future and who you will become. If you don't like who you are, the only person you have to blame is yourself, and the only one who can help you is you.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Cobwebs
Day 208--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself today and, as I was staring blankly out the window, I came to the realization that I didn't want to go home. Not really.
I kept thinking to myself that I don't want to be here anymore, that I want to go home, but then I thought of how lost I felt at home during winter break. I didn't know what it was but it didn't feel right and I couldn't figure it out for the longest time. I knew I didn't want to be here, but I couldn't go home, so what was it I wanted?? ... Then it dawned on me.
Everyone here always says how much they want to go home and leave Job Corps, but rarely anyone actually quits. It's because we all come here for a reason. And no matter that reason may be, in our hearts we all know that when we talk about leaving, we're really talking about going back, back in time. At least, that's what I realized I've been desiring the most.
I miss the carelessness of being a child. Back when I was young, I mean really young, I enjoyed every new experience. I was so quick to forgive and I wasn't afraid to laugh out loud. Everyone was perfect and the weather was always good enough for me to play in.
Now I'm faced with important decisions, things, and people that will shape my life forever. Every little action has a consequence that no one can sum up for besides myself. It's a big world out there, a small world here, but the burden is just as heavy.
I miss Mom and Daddy and John. And I really, really miss Grandma and Grandpa. I just wish that when I was younger, I had appreciated every moment of every day, especially the days I spent with them. Because now I'm the only one who can take care of me, and I have big plans, so I pray that I can find the time to spend with them since I hardly have time for myself, and it seems like it's all going by so fast.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying really hard to remember my past and hold on to the present, but they're just cobwebs of my life that slip through my fingers as I fall into the future.
I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself today and, as I was staring blankly out the window, I came to the realization that I didn't want to go home. Not really.
I kept thinking to myself that I don't want to be here anymore, that I want to go home, but then I thought of how lost I felt at home during winter break. I didn't know what it was but it didn't feel right and I couldn't figure it out for the longest time. I knew I didn't want to be here, but I couldn't go home, so what was it I wanted?? ... Then it dawned on me.
Everyone here always says how much they want to go home and leave Job Corps, but rarely anyone actually quits. It's because we all come here for a reason. And no matter that reason may be, in our hearts we all know that when we talk about leaving, we're really talking about going back, back in time. At least, that's what I realized I've been desiring the most.
I miss the carelessness of being a child. Back when I was young, I mean really young, I enjoyed every new experience. I was so quick to forgive and I wasn't afraid to laugh out loud. Everyone was perfect and the weather was always good enough for me to play in.
Now I'm faced with important decisions, things, and people that will shape my life forever. Every little action has a consequence that no one can sum up for besides myself. It's a big world out there, a small world here, but the burden is just as heavy.
I miss Mom and Daddy and John. And I really, really miss Grandma and Grandpa. I just wish that when I was younger, I had appreciated every moment of every day, especially the days I spent with them. Because now I'm the only one who can take care of me, and I have big plans, so I pray that I can find the time to spend with them since I hardly have time for myself, and it seems like it's all going by so fast.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying really hard to remember my past and hold on to the present, but they're just cobwebs of my life that slip through my fingers as I fall into the future.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Blocked
Day 205, 54th Vocational Trade Day------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been having a writer's block lately. I hate having to be so selective on what I can write because I'm afraid to piss someone off or end up causing a whole lot of trouble for myself here at Job Corps.
I've been having a writer's block lately. I hate having to be so selective on what I can write because I'm afraid to piss someone off or end up causing a whole lot of trouble for myself here at Job Corps.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Change
Day 201--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought that I would emphasize on the reason why I think people don't change, myself included. I've been thinking a lot about it and I just don't see how it's possible. Change doesn't exist in any part of this world. And the reason is because things don't change but rather they become or grow into a different sort of what they were before.
The previous being hasn't disappeared, it's simply evolved. Sometimes this evolution is so great that all that remains of the thing before it is an outer shell. But in the end whatever this thing or being has become, it always had that potential to grow into that aspect, even before it showed any signs of this thing called change.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone has the potential of being a whole lot of different ways from the very beginning. And from the very beginning, series of events shape that person into a certain sort of being. Never new, never different, because that personality was always there. Just grown.
Take a tree for example. Let's say we watch it from a seed, and typically trees grow straight up and down. Well pretty soon this seed grows into a sapling and starts to look and behave differently. The sapling begins to breath (photosynthesis) and as it breathes it has an affect on the world around it. The sapling grows into a small tree. All of a sudden a larger, much older tree falls on our little tree. Well sometimes, instead of dying, a small tree will carry on to grow around the fallen log.
Fast forward 15 years. Now our little tree is much larger and the log that fell on it many years ago has decayed and become the forest floor. However, our tree shows the sign of it's struggles by the crook in it's trunk, caused by the eventful day it was crushed as a sapling.
From the beginning, this tree could have been straight, proud, and tall... and all at the same time, it had the potential to be warped, weathered, and tested of it's strength. The course of events effected the initial growth of this tree. But there was always a possibility of a different outcome.
I thought that I would emphasize on the reason why I think people don't change, myself included. I've been thinking a lot about it and I just don't see how it's possible. Change doesn't exist in any part of this world. And the reason is because things don't change but rather they become or grow into a different sort of what they were before.
The previous being hasn't disappeared, it's simply evolved. Sometimes this evolution is so great that all that remains of the thing before it is an outer shell. But in the end whatever this thing or being has become, it always had that potential to grow into that aspect, even before it showed any signs of this thing called change.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone has the potential of being a whole lot of different ways from the very beginning. And from the very beginning, series of events shape that person into a certain sort of being. Never new, never different, because that personality was always there. Just grown.
Take a tree for example. Let's say we watch it from a seed, and typically trees grow straight up and down. Well pretty soon this seed grows into a sapling and starts to look and behave differently. The sapling begins to breath (photosynthesis) and as it breathes it has an affect on the world around it. The sapling grows into a small tree. All of a sudden a larger, much older tree falls on our little tree. Well sometimes, instead of dying, a small tree will carry on to grow around the fallen log.
Fast forward 15 years. Now our little tree is much larger and the log that fell on it many years ago has decayed and become the forest floor. However, our tree shows the sign of it's struggles by the crook in it's trunk, caused by the eventful day it was crushed as a sapling.
From the beginning, this tree could have been straight, proud, and tall... and all at the same time, it had the potential to be warped, weathered, and tested of it's strength. The course of events effected the initial growth of this tree. But there was always a possibility of a different outcome.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A Blog to the Public?
Day 197, 48th Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that Daniel is a god, and we're just friends. I also don't think that Jamie is a terrible person and I'm just as in love with him as I always have been. And I take more upon myself to try pretend that I don't. Just wanted to clarify that.
You know, I originally inteded this blog to be written for close friends and family. It was important that they knew what I was feeling so they could try to understand what changes I was going through. I wanted them to understand how I was doing and what kind of person I was growing to be. But now I'm forced to watch what I say and how much I say because students here at Job Corps have access to my blog. And I know that not a single one of them are reading it because they actually care about what happens in my life, they read it to see just to see how much drama they can produce using the juicy details from my blog.
There's so many things that I wish I could tell my family. Too bad that right has been taken away from me.
Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that Daniel is a god, and we're just friends. I also don't think that Jamie is a terrible person and I'm just as in love with him as I always have been. And I take more upon myself to try pretend that I don't. Just wanted to clarify that.
You know, I originally inteded this blog to be written for close friends and family. It was important that they knew what I was feeling so they could try to understand what changes I was going through. I wanted them to understand how I was doing and what kind of person I was growing to be. But now I'm forced to watch what I say and how much I say because students here at Job Corps have access to my blog. And I know that not a single one of them are reading it because they actually care about what happens in my life, they read it to see just to see how much drama they can produce using the juicy details from my blog.
There's so many things that I wish I could tell my family. Too bad that right has been taken away from me.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Social Discovery
Day 194----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Define the line between naivety and optimism, because quite honestly, I'm not sure if I ever knew the difference.
I forgot to mention Karlee moved out a few days ago. She never gave a reason why. Apparently my blog about Daniel offended her. She wanted so badly for Jamie and I to work things out. And when she left she said, "Sorry I couldn't be a better roommate. But after reading your blog, it kind of felt like a slap in the face".
The irony or the whole thing is highly amusing, however. Towards the end of our relationship, Karlee would say things like, "Why are you still with him", or "He really treats you like shit", or even "Why don't you and Daniel go out, you talk to him a lot and he's way nicer to you".
After we broke up she started coaching me in all the things I should have done to make things work in the first place. I should've laid down the ground rules, I should've let him know how I felt, and I should've told him about everything. I guess that means whenever I spoke to another person or sat next to someone on the bus I was supposed to tell him about the entire conversation we had even if it just so happened about my menstrual cycle or why the sky is blue. Everything that I did do right wasn't enough and it didn't count for anything, obviously, or we'd be together right now.
Karlee told me that Jamie told her he wanted to change and he would be better and he told her about all of his feelings towards me. Well, I don't know if she sugar-coated the entire thing, but even if she hadn't, how is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to be glad that the man who so badly wants me in my life would rather talk to my roommate (his best friend's girlfriend) about how he feels than come to me about it?
Oh, but don't take my word for it please, because I'm a compulsive lier and I don't know who I am or what I want. I also don't care about anyone else's feelings except my own, and I never have.
Everyone else in the world has a better idea about who I am than I do. Well, thanks a whole hell of a lot you guys! What would I ever have done without you?
Hey, I forgot to mention, Jordan and I got frisky in the back of the bus and Daniel and I started dating shortly after.
One problem. Someone had to come and notify me of these recent events, because I sure as hell didn't know about it.
You know, I never knew people could be so cruel. I didn't know people had such a strong urgency to lie. I mean I've been a teller of tall tales myself every now and again, but this?
Who would say something like that? Why would they? What kind of person is so determined to destroy my social credibility? How can one person so carelessly wreak havoc upon an other's life?
Months of tireless devotion to Jamie all count for nothing? Do people really think that I would dishonor my love for him by moving right along to the next guy in line? Do they think I lied about ever being in love in the first place? Was everything we did together a lie, just like the rest of the world is a lie?
I still love Jamie. I'm sorry that we couldn't work things out. Why doesn't anyone see that I would've done anything for him, and I'm not just the type to let love go and mean nothing. I have no intention on being with another man for the rest of my stay here at Job Corps. I don't think I could anyway. I couldn't show the same affection to an other, when the one I've already shared my heart with may as well be standing right behind me. I'm not like the other girls here.
I've decided it's time to harden my heart and put up the defenses, because people are only out to deceive.
Time to make new friends and only a select few, and when they leave here, I won't be apt to make anymore.
I'm settling because it's time to brace myself for impact. Rumors, lies, insults, and accusations incoming.
I live my life. My life is too fragile and the days I'm given are too precious to give others the privilege of living for me. The happiness I desire in this lifetime, is more urgent to me than the current state of your feelings. Don't rely on others to bring you happiness. You control your own destiny. The only power there is in the world is the power invested in you, and the power you allow others to have over you.
Guaranteed I just pissed off quite a few people who choose to read this blog. I'd better head out.
Define the line between naivety and optimism, because quite honestly, I'm not sure if I ever knew the difference.
I forgot to mention Karlee moved out a few days ago. She never gave a reason why. Apparently my blog about Daniel offended her. She wanted so badly for Jamie and I to work things out. And when she left she said, "Sorry I couldn't be a better roommate. But after reading your blog, it kind of felt like a slap in the face".
The irony or the whole thing is highly amusing, however. Towards the end of our relationship, Karlee would say things like, "Why are you still with him", or "He really treats you like shit", or even "Why don't you and Daniel go out, you talk to him a lot and he's way nicer to you".
After we broke up she started coaching me in all the things I should have done to make things work in the first place. I should've laid down the ground rules, I should've let him know how I felt, and I should've told him about everything. I guess that means whenever I spoke to another person or sat next to someone on the bus I was supposed to tell him about the entire conversation we had even if it just so happened about my menstrual cycle or why the sky is blue. Everything that I did do right wasn't enough and it didn't count for anything, obviously, or we'd be together right now.
Karlee told me that Jamie told her he wanted to change and he would be better and he told her about all of his feelings towards me. Well, I don't know if she sugar-coated the entire thing, but even if she hadn't, how is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to be glad that the man who so badly wants me in my life would rather talk to my roommate (his best friend's girlfriend) about how he feels than come to me about it?
Oh, but don't take my word for it please, because I'm a compulsive lier and I don't know who I am or what I want. I also don't care about anyone else's feelings except my own, and I never have.
Everyone else in the world has a better idea about who I am than I do. Well, thanks a whole hell of a lot you guys! What would I ever have done without you?
Hey, I forgot to mention, Jordan and I got frisky in the back of the bus and Daniel and I started dating shortly after.
One problem. Someone had to come and notify me of these recent events, because I sure as hell didn't know about it.
You know, I never knew people could be so cruel. I didn't know people had such a strong urgency to lie. I mean I've been a teller of tall tales myself every now and again, but this?
Who would say something like that? Why would they? What kind of person is so determined to destroy my social credibility? How can one person so carelessly wreak havoc upon an other's life?
Months of tireless devotion to Jamie all count for nothing? Do people really think that I would dishonor my love for him by moving right along to the next guy in line? Do they think I lied about ever being in love in the first place? Was everything we did together a lie, just like the rest of the world is a lie?
I still love Jamie. I'm sorry that we couldn't work things out. Why doesn't anyone see that I would've done anything for him, and I'm not just the type to let love go and mean nothing. I have no intention on being with another man for the rest of my stay here at Job Corps. I don't think I could anyway. I couldn't show the same affection to an other, when the one I've already shared my heart with may as well be standing right behind me. I'm not like the other girls here.
I've decided it's time to harden my heart and put up the defenses, because people are only out to deceive.
Time to make new friends and only a select few, and when they leave here, I won't be apt to make anymore.
I'm settling because it's time to brace myself for impact. Rumors, lies, insults, and accusations incoming.
I live my life. My life is too fragile and the days I'm given are too precious to give others the privilege of living for me. The happiness I desire in this lifetime, is more urgent to me than the current state of your feelings. Don't rely on others to bring you happiness. You control your own destiny. The only power there is in the world is the power invested in you, and the power you allow others to have over you.
Guaranteed I just pissed off quite a few people who choose to read this blog. I'd better head out.
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