Social Discovery

Day 194----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Define the line between naivety and optimism, because quite honestly, I'm not sure if I ever knew the difference.

I forgot to mention Karlee moved out a few days ago. She never gave a reason why. Apparently my blog about Daniel offended her. She wanted so badly for Jamie and I to work things out. And when she left she said, "Sorry I couldn't be a better roommate. But after reading your blog, it kind of felt like a slap in the face".
The irony or the whole thing is highly amusing, however. Towards the end of our relationship, Karlee would say things like, "Why are you still with him", or "He really treats you like shit", or even "Why don't you and Daniel go out, you talk to him a lot and he's way nicer to you".
After we broke up she started coaching me in all the things I should have done to make things work in the first place. I should've laid down the ground rules, I should've let him know how I felt, and I should've told him about everything. I guess that means whenever I spoke to another person or sat next to someone on the bus I was supposed to tell him about the entire conversation we had even if it just so happened about my menstrual cycle or why the sky is blue. Everything that I did do right wasn't enough and it didn't count for anything, obviously, or we'd be together right now.
Karlee told me that Jamie told her he wanted to change and he would be better and he told her about all of his feelings towards me. Well, I don't know if she sugar-coated the entire thing, but even if she hadn't, how is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to be glad that the man who so badly wants me in my life would rather talk to my roommate (his best friend's girlfriend) about how he feels than come to me about it?
Oh, but don't take my word for it please, because I'm a compulsive lier and I don't know who I am or what I want. I also don't care about anyone else's feelings except my own, and I never have.

Everyone else in the world has a better idea about who I am than I do. Well, thanks a whole hell of a lot you guys! What would I ever have done without you?

Hey, I forgot to mention, Jordan and I got frisky in the back of the bus and Daniel and I started dating shortly after.

One problem. Someone had to come and notify me of these recent events, because I sure as hell didn't know about it.


You know, I never knew people could be so cruel. I didn't know people had such a strong urgency to lie. I mean I've been a teller of tall tales myself every now and again, but this?

Who would say something like that? Why would they? What kind of person is so determined to destroy my social credibility? How can one person so carelessly wreak havoc upon an other's life?

Months of tireless devotion to Jamie all count for nothing? Do people really think that I would dishonor my love for him by moving right along to the next guy in line? Do they think I lied about ever being in love in the first place? Was everything we did together a lie, just like the rest of the world is a lie?

I still love Jamie. I'm sorry that we couldn't work things out. Why doesn't anyone see that I would've done anything for him, and I'm not just the type to let love go and mean nothing. I have no intention on being with another man for the rest of my stay here at Job Corps. I don't think I could anyway. I couldn't show the same affection to an other, when the one I've already shared my heart with may as well be standing right behind me. I'm not like the other girls here.


I've decided it's time to harden my heart and put up the defenses, because people are only out to deceive.
Time to make new friends and only a select few, and when they leave here, I won't be apt to make anymore.
I'm settling because it's time to brace myself for impact. Rumors, lies, insults, and accusations incoming.


I live my life. My life is too fragile and the days I'm given are too precious to give others the privilege of living for me.    The happiness I desire in this lifetime, is more urgent to me than the current state of your feelings. Don't rely on others to bring you happiness. You control your own destiny. The only power there is in the world is the power invested in you, and the power you allow others to have over you.

Guaranteed I just pissed off quite a few people who choose to read this blog. I'd better head out.