Day 172, 31st Vocational Trade Day-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So turns out that quite a few students have found my blog online. I suppose it was only a matter of time. I honestly didn't think that any students would take the time to deal with someone else's crap, but that just goes to show how utterly BORING this place is. But if anyone would like details on how things are going feel free to email me.
I've been swamped with the store and full time trade and everything. I've done some finishing touches on the store's reorganization. Only a few more old papers to get rid of and it'll be all clean. :-) I also moved the microwave in here, which hadn't been clean in months and is now spotless, and we installed internet, FINALLY. I feel I've done a lot of good round here.
I'm hoping for that spot in the SGA. There are a lot of things that this place is screwing us on, and I want to change that. There needs to be equal rights among students, and I don't mean just age; sexes need to be treated equally also.
We have a new Center Director. He's just a temp but he seems to mean business. He realizes that the people who run this center either have no idea what the hell they're doing, or they just don't care. I've been here almost 6 months now, and I've never seen an Auto student graduate because the Vocational Safety Manager, Vic Gardee has been holding them back. Now, I have several friends from that trade that are finally allowed to move on with all the benefits and completion money because of the new Center Director. I'm sorry that this guy isn't staying because I know that all the good he does here will all but exist when he leaves. We'll all be back to being strung along by the puppeteers that run this place.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Age, a Crisis Yet Again
Day 165, 27th Vocational Trade Day-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*I didn't get Gold Card because my reviews were not quite high enough - only four points away.*
So I had all these plans set up this weekend and I have a lot of money saved. I was going to go to verizon to change phones because mine isn't doing it's job anymore. Mom just sent me this REALLY nice one too. I owe her big time.
I was also going to do some shopping for Alexis' bridal shower (my cousin), and I'm NOT going to get her a cheap ass gift from Walmart.
I was going to download some books onto my Kindle, grab a nice lunch, do some shopping for new headphones, a rug for my room, and art supplies.
Well, they just recently changed the hours on Day Pass. Now it's from 8:00 to 20:00. And because it's a 12 hr day pass, I am not allowed to go because I am not 18 years old.
What the hell is this crap?? I didn't change the time schedule, and now, because I'm 16, I'm not responsible enough to go out on the town for 12 hours alone! If they're going to pull that, then why isn't it like, "Well you're 21, so you can't be trusted to be off center unsupervised because it is very possible that you will consume alcoholic beverages and come back intoxicated".
Just because I am not considered an 'adult' doesn't mean I'm irresponsible, and just because other students are above the age of 18, doesn't make them any more responsible than I am! How many times do I have to prove myself to these guys?
*I didn't get Gold Card because my reviews were not quite high enough - only four points away.*
So I had all these plans set up this weekend and I have a lot of money saved. I was going to go to verizon to change phones because mine isn't doing it's job anymore. Mom just sent me this REALLY nice one too. I owe her big time.
I was also going to do some shopping for Alexis' bridal shower (my cousin), and I'm NOT going to get her a cheap ass gift from Walmart.
I was going to download some books onto my Kindle, grab a nice lunch, do some shopping for new headphones, a rug for my room, and art supplies.
Well, they just recently changed the hours on Day Pass. Now it's from 8:00 to 20:00. And because it's a 12 hr day pass, I am not allowed to go because I am not 18 years old.
What the hell is this crap?? I didn't change the time schedule, and now, because I'm 16, I'm not responsible enough to go out on the town for 12 hours alone! If they're going to pull that, then why isn't it like, "Well you're 21, so you can't be trusted to be off center unsupervised because it is very possible that you will consume alcoholic beverages and come back intoxicated".
Just because I am not considered an 'adult' doesn't mean I'm irresponsible, and just because other students are above the age of 18, doesn't make them any more responsible than I am! How many times do I have to prove myself to these guys?
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Sun is Shining, but We're Not out of Cold Weather Yet, Houston.
Day 164, 26th Vocational Trade Day-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I noticed today while I was warming my face in the sunshine that no matter how promising that sun was, the wind was bitter cold. It made me think of an metaphor for the recent events that are positive, yet still curious to see how the tables will turn.
I got accepted full-time into trade. Scott pulled me aside the other day and said he didn't want me wasting any more time in Maintenance. I'm a little sad because Maintenance was starting to wear on me and the staff, Mark, is a really awesome guy. But it's time to move on to bigger and better things.
I'm running for SGA Vice President again. Dustin at Recreation (have I mentioned him?) is really pushing me this round. He says that they need someone like me (levelheaded, able to look at the big picture, takes initiative) to be a part of SGA, and I think that I could really benefit the center and I'm excited to see if I'll be elected. If not then no harm, no foul. I just know that I'm ready for the responsibility this time.
So Jamie and I are working things out... and I already know what you're going to say, so don't. This time we're doing things my way. I'm going to try to stay away from obsession and focus on my things first. My life comes first. And as frustrated as he may be with that, that's how it has to be. And if he really wants this to work, then he'll get over it. - And about the other girl - I went back and did some research and he swears it was an accident (although I don't know how you accidentally send stuff like that (except her and I are practically right next to each other in the contact list on his phone)). I guess he didn't really say those things that I thought. I just saw what I wanted to see. I kept wondering when the other shoe would fall and then when it kind of did, my brain made it look like it happened... Anyway what I mean to say is that he said something along the lines of you shouldn't be self conscious of your body because... blah blah blah. Doesn't make it right that he was talking to her in the first place, this girl has a reputation. So my trust is on the rocky side but we'll just have to see what happens.
As it seems, there may be hope for me yet... but let's not count chickens before they hatch.
P.S.
I intended for this blog to be about what it's like here at Forst Simcoe, but it's turned more into a melodrama. I'm going to try to get back on track on updates about life here on center and the goings on. With my priorities straight, I should be able to if this back on track. And if this SGA thing happens, it'll be even easier.
I noticed today while I was warming my face in the sunshine that no matter how promising that sun was, the wind was bitter cold. It made me think of an metaphor for the recent events that are positive, yet still curious to see how the tables will turn.
I got accepted full-time into trade. Scott pulled me aside the other day and said he didn't want me wasting any more time in Maintenance. I'm a little sad because Maintenance was starting to wear on me and the staff, Mark, is a really awesome guy. But it's time to move on to bigger and better things.
I'm running for SGA Vice President again. Dustin at Recreation (have I mentioned him?) is really pushing me this round. He says that they need someone like me (levelheaded, able to look at the big picture, takes initiative) to be a part of SGA, and I think that I could really benefit the center and I'm excited to see if I'll be elected. If not then no harm, no foul. I just know that I'm ready for the responsibility this time.
So Jamie and I are working things out... and I already know what you're going to say, so don't. This time we're doing things my way. I'm going to try to stay away from obsession and focus on my things first. My life comes first. And as frustrated as he may be with that, that's how it has to be. And if he really wants this to work, then he'll get over it. - And about the other girl - I went back and did some research and he swears it was an accident (although I don't know how you accidentally send stuff like that (except her and I are practically right next to each other in the contact list on his phone)). I guess he didn't really say those things that I thought. I just saw what I wanted to see. I kept wondering when the other shoe would fall and then when it kind of did, my brain made it look like it happened... Anyway what I mean to say is that he said something along the lines of you shouldn't be self conscious of your body because... blah blah blah. Doesn't make it right that he was talking to her in the first place, this girl has a reputation. So my trust is on the rocky side but we'll just have to see what happens.
As it seems, there may be hope for me yet... but let's not count chickens before they hatch.
P.S.
I intended for this blog to be about what it's like here at Forst Simcoe, but it's turned more into a melodrama. I'm going to try to get back on track on updates about life here on center and the goings on. With my priorities straight, I should be able to if this back on track. And if this SGA thing happens, it'll be even easier.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The End
Day 157--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Jamie and I are finally over. I found pictures of him with his shirt off on another girl's phone - the SAME ones he sent me. He then proceeded to tell her how he loved her breasts and how they would feel good on his abs. Thing is, he has all of us fooled. Even Kevin.
I packed up everything I had of him. The love notes he wrote me, the poems I wrote him, his sweatshirt, hat, and dog tag. The tag that I never took off to show the world that I belonged to one person... and I gave it all back.
The past three months of my life... wasted. All the time, money, and energy I put into this, into us, was for what? -Nothing.
I'm so angry. He didn't just cheat me of my pride and my dignity, he took away a huge part of my life. And I let it happen.
I'm more mad at myself then anything. The only one I have to blame is me. And I keep asking myself, did he really feel anything? All the 'I love you's? All the pain of his past... was I the only one he told? He made me feel special, did he mean it?
He told me just the other night that he used to be a player in high school, they used to call him Jamie Turn-Her because he could turn on any girl... I told him that I never wanted to see that side... well I got my wish and he did a pretty damn good job of hiding it.
He wasn't even man enough to come outside and take his stuff in person. He's not man enough to give me an explanation. An apology. Something!
I want to text him. I want to call him and I want to see him and I want to tell him what a piece of shit he is for putting me through everything, for treating me like trash, for letting me think I was the one who needed to change. But I know it won't solve anything. I know it won't make this better. I have to let it go. I have to pick myself up off the ground with whatever self-esteem I have left and move on, be the bigger person. And it sucks.
I just want to know why.
Why me? Why this? Why did he have to lie and fool me into loving him? Why did he let me trust him with my heart? Was this all a game? What did he really want? Did he even care at any point in our relationship about me? Why did he bring me home? Why did he introduce me into his life, to his mom, and his sister? Why did I buy him a 70 dollar sweatshit and a 50 dollar bus ticket to see him Christmas break. WHY?!
I can tell you one thing, I'm not going to cry for him. If I cry tonight I'll be crying for myself. How stupid I was. How naive. I really should listen to my own advice more often.
I really don't know what else to say. This was a good lesson to be learned. For some reason the only person I can really think of right now is Grandpa. He's the only person I've been thinking about all night. I wish he was here, he always knows what to do.
The funny thing is, I don't really feel the need to go home, to run away. Now I can go on with my life with absolutely nothing and no one to hold me back.
My new favorite comfort words, ironically, are 'nothing' and 'alone'. It feels good to be free.
So Jamie and I are finally over. I found pictures of him with his shirt off on another girl's phone - the SAME ones he sent me. He then proceeded to tell her how he loved her breasts and how they would feel good on his abs. Thing is, he has all of us fooled. Even Kevin.
I packed up everything I had of him. The love notes he wrote me, the poems I wrote him, his sweatshirt, hat, and dog tag. The tag that I never took off to show the world that I belonged to one person... and I gave it all back.
The past three months of my life... wasted. All the time, money, and energy I put into this, into us, was for what? -Nothing.
I'm so angry. He didn't just cheat me of my pride and my dignity, he took away a huge part of my life. And I let it happen.
I'm more mad at myself then anything. The only one I have to blame is me. And I keep asking myself, did he really feel anything? All the 'I love you's? All the pain of his past... was I the only one he told? He made me feel special, did he mean it?
He told me just the other night that he used to be a player in high school, they used to call him Jamie Turn-Her because he could turn on any girl... I told him that I never wanted to see that side... well I got my wish and he did a pretty damn good job of hiding it.
He wasn't even man enough to come outside and take his stuff in person. He's not man enough to give me an explanation. An apology. Something!
I want to text him. I want to call him and I want to see him and I want to tell him what a piece of shit he is for putting me through everything, for treating me like trash, for letting me think I was the one who needed to change. But I know it won't solve anything. I know it won't make this better. I have to let it go. I have to pick myself up off the ground with whatever self-esteem I have left and move on, be the bigger person. And it sucks.
I just want to know why.
Why me? Why this? Why did he have to lie and fool me into loving him? Why did he let me trust him with my heart? Was this all a game? What did he really want? Did he even care at any point in our relationship about me? Why did he bring me home? Why did he introduce me into his life, to his mom, and his sister? Why did I buy him a 70 dollar sweatshit and a 50 dollar bus ticket to see him Christmas break. WHY?!
I can tell you one thing, I'm not going to cry for him. If I cry tonight I'll be crying for myself. How stupid I was. How naive. I really should listen to my own advice more often.
I really don't know what else to say. This was a good lesson to be learned. For some reason the only person I can really think of right now is Grandpa. He's the only person I've been thinking about all night. I wish he was here, he always knows what to do.
The funny thing is, I don't really feel the need to go home, to run away. Now I can go on with my life with absolutely nothing and no one to hold me back.
My new favorite comfort words, ironically, are 'nothing' and 'alone'. It feels good to be free.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Lessons Learned
Day 156----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, I didn't get the full time spot in trade. I'm kind of grateful because I don't think that I am ready. I like being able to relax and study at my own pace in Maintenance. (That's where they put students who have finished all of the required education courses and are waiting for a fulltime spot to open up.) I also didn't get my Gold color card because all the counselors, except one, are not going to be here for at least a week. So one counselor is trying to take care of 2 or 3 trades; that's about 75 kids, at least. I really hate how disorganized this place is.
I think it is time to introduce another character to the scheme of my life. Kayla Sorenson is another girl who has greatly influenced my life here at Job Corps. She's in business with Karlee and they've been friends since Karlee first got here. Sometimes her, Karlee, and I can be kind of a trio, one never being without the other. Kayla is a very pretty red-head with a great smile, catchy personality, level head, and a good attention span for listening. I think she may have a few trust issues though and is a little flighty when it comes to her personal relationships. I might not always understand her ways, but I accept them none the less.
Anyway, the whole reason I am bringing this person forward is because of an incident that happened here the other day. Long story short, I confided in Kayla about something about Kevin (that had NOTHING to do with Karlee and Kevin's relationship, by the way) that Jamie had told me. Jamie had told me specifically not to tell anyone, but you know me and my big mouth. I didn't even mean to tell her, it just slipped out. She swore she wouldn't tell Karlee. Alas, sometimes we give people more credit than we should.
Kayla told Karlee about what Jamie had told me, and Karlee of course went to Kevin. When Karlee came to me angry that I hadn't told her and had asked Kayla not to tell her (which I should have known better), my heart immediately sank into my stomach. I knew that if I didn't get to Jamie, before Kevin, and tell him of my terrible mistake, it might end my relationship for good. I kept thinking, 'Oh no, he'll never trust me with anything ever again. This is it, I've finally done it'.
So I rushed outside, begged a few guys to go get Jamie from inside the dorm, waited (more like paced), and probably popped a few blood vessels because I was so worried.
When he finally came outside I'd driven myself almost to tears and hysteria. I spilled my guts out and all he has to say was, "Kevin's my baymate, he already told me".
Well, shit.
This time my heart dropped to my toes. I kind of kicked a rock and did sort of a pirouette. Don't know what that was about, but people do silly things in times of crisis. And just when I thought the sky was about to fall and the world as I knew it was about to come to an end, Jamie grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "Eli, it's okay. Let's just take this and learn a lesson from it". - Whew. World is not over, once again.
After I was fully reassured, I went back into my room, calm, yet smoldering at what Kayla had done. Karlee scolded me saying that Kayla had done the right thing telling her about what Jamie had told me. She said that Kayla told her everything, no matter what. Angrily I said, "Well, if she's such a good friend, maybe you should ask her about what else she hasn't told you".
Whoops.
That opened a whole new can of worms. Turns out that Kayla and Kevin had a thing before Karlee was even in the picture, and she had no idea. As a result, Kevin and Karlee fought for a day or two, Kevin hates me, and Kayla and I are no longer friends.
Oh, well. Lessons learned, I suppose.
So after all the after-math craziness with Karlee, Kevin, Kayla, and Jamie, I have officially decided I never want anything to do with anyone else's business besides my own. I'm going to keep my big mouth shut, and all of my private affairs private! I never really have been a "close friend" kind of person. I've had friends and buddies, and then one companion. That companion has always been my mom. Laugh, talk, share everything together. Now that person is Jamie. I'm sorry that it took so long to come to the realization that I don't need or want a whole bunch of people in my life, and that that is okay.
As it turns out, I was so busy evaluating what everyone else's two cents, and what was going on in everyone else's life, that I didn't realize what I really needed was my own self evalution! Maybe if I had figured that out a long time ago, I wouldn't have put myself through so much heart ache. I think that really it was all in my head, and I let everyone else put it there.
In a way, I'm really glad all this happened. I feel a million times lighter and kind of like it's a little smoother sailing from here on out. I'm very happy with my revelation.
So, I didn't get the full time spot in trade. I'm kind of grateful because I don't think that I am ready. I like being able to relax and study at my own pace in Maintenance. (That's where they put students who have finished all of the required education courses and are waiting for a fulltime spot to open up.) I also didn't get my Gold color card because all the counselors, except one, are not going to be here for at least a week. So one counselor is trying to take care of 2 or 3 trades; that's about 75 kids, at least. I really hate how disorganized this place is.
I think it is time to introduce another character to the scheme of my life. Kayla Sorenson is another girl who has greatly influenced my life here at Job Corps. She's in business with Karlee and they've been friends since Karlee first got here. Sometimes her, Karlee, and I can be kind of a trio, one never being without the other. Kayla is a very pretty red-head with a great smile, catchy personality, level head, and a good attention span for listening. I think she may have a few trust issues though and is a little flighty when it comes to her personal relationships. I might not always understand her ways, but I accept them none the less.
Anyway, the whole reason I am bringing this person forward is because of an incident that happened here the other day. Long story short, I confided in Kayla about something about Kevin (that had NOTHING to do with Karlee and Kevin's relationship, by the way) that Jamie had told me. Jamie had told me specifically not to tell anyone, but you know me and my big mouth. I didn't even mean to tell her, it just slipped out. She swore she wouldn't tell Karlee. Alas, sometimes we give people more credit than we should.
Kayla told Karlee about what Jamie had told me, and Karlee of course went to Kevin. When Karlee came to me angry that I hadn't told her and had asked Kayla not to tell her (which I should have known better), my heart immediately sank into my stomach. I knew that if I didn't get to Jamie, before Kevin, and tell him of my terrible mistake, it might end my relationship for good. I kept thinking, 'Oh no, he'll never trust me with anything ever again. This is it, I've finally done it'.
So I rushed outside, begged a few guys to go get Jamie from inside the dorm, waited (more like paced), and probably popped a few blood vessels because I was so worried.
When he finally came outside I'd driven myself almost to tears and hysteria. I spilled my guts out and all he has to say was, "Kevin's my baymate, he already told me".
Well, shit.
This time my heart dropped to my toes. I kind of kicked a rock and did sort of a pirouette. Don't know what that was about, but people do silly things in times of crisis. And just when I thought the sky was about to fall and the world as I knew it was about to come to an end, Jamie grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "Eli, it's okay. Let's just take this and learn a lesson from it". - Whew. World is not over, once again.
After I was fully reassured, I went back into my room, calm, yet smoldering at what Kayla had done. Karlee scolded me saying that Kayla had done the right thing telling her about what Jamie had told me. She said that Kayla told her everything, no matter what. Angrily I said, "Well, if she's such a good friend, maybe you should ask her about what else she hasn't told you".
Whoops.
That opened a whole new can of worms. Turns out that Kayla and Kevin had a thing before Karlee was even in the picture, and she had no idea. As a result, Kevin and Karlee fought for a day or two, Kevin hates me, and Kayla and I are no longer friends.
Oh, well. Lessons learned, I suppose.
So after all the after-math craziness with Karlee, Kevin, Kayla, and Jamie, I have officially decided I never want anything to do with anyone else's business besides my own. I'm going to keep my big mouth shut, and all of my private affairs private! I never really have been a "close friend" kind of person. I've had friends and buddies, and then one companion. That companion has always been my mom. Laugh, talk, share everything together. Now that person is Jamie. I'm sorry that it took so long to come to the realization that I don't need or want a whole bunch of people in my life, and that that is okay.
As it turns out, I was so busy evaluating what everyone else's two cents, and what was going on in everyone else's life, that I didn't realize what I really needed was my own self evalution! Maybe if I had figured that out a long time ago, I wouldn't have put myself through so much heart ache. I think that really it was all in my head, and I let everyone else put it there.
In a way, I'm really glad all this happened. I feel a million times lighter and kind of like it's a little smoother sailing from here on out. I'm very happy with my revelation.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Poor Steelers
Day 153--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The PBR was freaking awesome! I love rough stock events.
Watched the super bowl today. I didn't really care for either team so I thought I'd root for the underdog. Alas, the the Pittsburg Steelers didn't win. John, however, likes the Green Bay Packers so he'll be in a good mood for Mom.
Jamie and I talked. Again. So we're good. Hopefully it sticks?
Tomorrow I might be on Gold Card which is the highest ranking a student can get. Also might be full-time trade. We shall see.
I'm sad the weekend is over. They never last long enough.
The PBR was freaking awesome! I love rough stock events.
Watched the super bowl today. I didn't really care for either team so I thought I'd root for the underdog. Alas, the the Pittsburg Steelers didn't win. John, however, likes the Green Bay Packers so he'll be in a good mood for Mom.
Jamie and I talked. Again. So we're good. Hopefully it sticks?
Tomorrow I might be on Gold Card which is the highest ranking a student can get. Also might be full-time trade. We shall see.
I'm sad the weekend is over. They never last long enough.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Winner at a Losing Game
Day 152----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm going to PBR (Professional Bull Riding) event this evening. I've been looking forward to it. Maybe it'll distract me for a little while. I won't feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust.
So last night Jamie told me that everything I say sounds like something Karlee would say to Kevin. He can't believe anything I say because he thinks Karlee is the one trying to get me to say it. I told him that I couldn't imagine waking up, going to work, and seeing him everyday, knowing that I missed out on probably one of the most important men that has ever come into my life - and he doesn't believe a word.
How can I compete? I'll dress up and put make up on and he'll think I did it because Karlee convinced me to. I can shower him with praises and kindness and patience and he'll think it's all coming from her. I can kiss him and love him and tell him how much he means to me and he won't understand that I've meant every ounce of affection.
I can't change Jamie's mind. He has to do it himself. But how am I supposed to save us if everything I'm doing is what's destroying it?
I'm losing, aren't I?
I'm going to PBR (Professional Bull Riding) event this evening. I've been looking forward to it. Maybe it'll distract me for a little while. I won't feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust.
So last night Jamie told me that everything I say sounds like something Karlee would say to Kevin. He can't believe anything I say because he thinks Karlee is the one trying to get me to say it. I told him that I couldn't imagine waking up, going to work, and seeing him everyday, knowing that I missed out on probably one of the most important men that has ever come into my life - and he doesn't believe a word.
How can I compete? I'll dress up and put make up on and he'll think I did it because Karlee convinced me to. I can shower him with praises and kindness and patience and he'll think it's all coming from her. I can kiss him and love him and tell him how much he means to me and he won't understand that I've meant every ounce of affection.
I can't change Jamie's mind. He has to do it himself. But how am I supposed to save us if everything I'm doing is what's destroying it?
I'm losing, aren't I?
Friday, February 4, 2011
Decisions
Day 151, 22nd Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, everyone. I think that I'll just stop apologizing for not writing as often as I should - otherwise I'll end up saying it a whole lot more than I'd care to. I have a hard time writing about things when I'm stressed out; I can't get my thoughts organized, and I'm always stressed here.
Karlee is okay. They don't know whats wrong but I think it was just stress because she was away from Kevin. He got back yesterday.
It's between Sterling and I on who next the next full-time position in trade. We both got in at the same time, we've both worked hard, and the instructors can only take one. We've yet to hear who they pick. I think it'll be Sterling- and if it is, I'm not worried about it. He deserves it.
I have a lot on my hands right now. I just got a permanent job at the student store where they sell snacks, drinks, and hygiene products, and I'll be making $40 extra dollars a month. I didn't do it for the money though...
When Jamie wasn't really talking to me and he was doing his own thing, Shaun Marceau, the head staff of Rec, came to me and asked if I wanted to try out for the job at the store. I'm pretty sure I'm one of his favorite students, and he had only asked because he knew I needed a distraction, so I told him I'd think about it. Then all of a sudden, Jamie did his turn around, and as much as I wanted to spend time with him, I didn't want to say no to Shaun since he'd made space especially for me and I'd already quit on him as Rec President (partly because I wanted more time with Jamie).
When I told Jamie about my predicament he made me feel really bad about taking the job. He was all offended and was like, "That's going to take up all of the time we usually spend together". I couldn't believe him! He had hardly spoken to me in weeks! We didn't have a time we usually spent together because we usually weren't together. I didn't think it was fair that he jumped all over my case because I decided I wanted to do something for me because I wasn't getting anywhere with him. And I told him exactly that. Then he told me that I should do whatever I felt was right for me - but it was the way he said it. (I partly took it for him - the store is separated from the rest of Rec by a metal
Anyway after a lot of stressing and few fitful nights, I decided that I really wanted to try out the job, that I deserved it, and I shouldn't let my relationship get in the way of what I really want to do. It shouldn't be that way anyway, it should coincide with it. I'd let my feelings for Jamie take over so much of my life that I couldn't remember what I wanted. Jamie wasn't very happy, mind you. I mean he didn't say anything directly, but I could tell.
So after a lot of quick learning and brain smarts, I ended up getting the job. I worked extra time, cleaned up the entire store, and reorganized and sorted files all the way back from '04! That's more than any of the other trainees did, and I'm pretty sure I would've gotten the job even if I hadn't done it, because I'm pretty charismatic; the Rec staff and students in charge of the store like me a lot. But, I decided if I was going to get the job, I wanted it to at least look fair - that I got chosen because I worked harder, not because I was pretty, a female, and easy to work with.
I really like the job. I'm really good at it and they need a woman's touch in there - badly. I make the store more tips than it's ever made, and I don't even have to work for them. I love the attention and it's a huge ego boost, which I've really been needing lately.
As for Jamie and I, we've been spending less and less time together. I feel like we're so artificial now. I keep trying to tell myself it's nothing, that we're okay, but we're not. I'm not. He's mad at me - again- and it's not fair. I didn't even mean to do anything and I apologized. I've done everything to make it better! I have so much bottled up inside and I want to just scream and cry becuase I've written pages and pages of poetry and simple thoughts, but none of it is good enough to explain how I feel.
I'm so frustrated. I'm so angry. I'm sad and lonely and full of hatred. I'm so young and naive and pathetic. I'm so different from who I used to be. I'm angry about all the bad things that have happened in my life. I'm sad that my friend Tyler's 18th birthday just passed and he's not around to celebrate it. I'm upset that I'm so alone here, even though I'm in a relationship. I want my mom. I want my friends. I want to see my grandpa's land again - my most favorite place in the world. I've been here almost five months. I'm 1/4 of the way done and I can't even see how I'm going to get through tomorrrow.
I hate being in this limbo with Jamie. He won't really talk to me and he makes me feel like everything is my fault. He had to ask himself why he was with me. He asked me why I was with him if he hurt me so much and made me feel like a piece of crap so often. And I told him it was because I couldn't just walk away from everything. I couldn't try and tell myself I didn't love him anymore because I would be lying to myself. When I'm happy with him, I'm really happy. It's stupid crap like this that tears me apart. I can't just forget the way it feels when he kisses me or when we laugh together. I don't want to give up on us. I don't believe that he can say all those I love you's the way he did and throw them all away. How can a person do that? I don't think that I could have invested all this time and effort and heartache for nothing. I don't just give my heart to anyone...
If this is it... what the hell was the point?
Hello, everyone. I think that I'll just stop apologizing for not writing as often as I should - otherwise I'll end up saying it a whole lot more than I'd care to. I have a hard time writing about things when I'm stressed out; I can't get my thoughts organized, and I'm always stressed here.
Karlee is okay. They don't know whats wrong but I think it was just stress because she was away from Kevin. He got back yesterday.
It's between Sterling and I on who next the next full-time position in trade. We both got in at the same time, we've both worked hard, and the instructors can only take one. We've yet to hear who they pick. I think it'll be Sterling- and if it is, I'm not worried about it. He deserves it.
I have a lot on my hands right now. I just got a permanent job at the student store where they sell snacks, drinks, and hygiene products, and I'll be making $40 extra dollars a month. I didn't do it for the money though...
When Jamie wasn't really talking to me and he was doing his own thing, Shaun Marceau, the head staff of Rec, came to me and asked if I wanted to try out for the job at the store. I'm pretty sure I'm one of his favorite students, and he had only asked because he knew I needed a distraction, so I told him I'd think about it. Then all of a sudden, Jamie did his turn around, and as much as I wanted to spend time with him, I didn't want to say no to Shaun since he'd made space especially for me and I'd already quit on him as Rec President (partly because I wanted more time with Jamie).
When I told Jamie about my predicament he made me feel really bad about taking the job. He was all offended and was like, "That's going to take up all of the time we usually spend together". I couldn't believe him! He had hardly spoken to me in weeks! We didn't have a time we usually spent together because we usually weren't together. I didn't think it was fair that he jumped all over my case because I decided I wanted to do something for me because I wasn't getting anywhere with him. And I told him exactly that. Then he told me that I should do whatever I felt was right for me - but it was the way he said it. (I partly took it for him - the store is separated from the rest of Rec by a metal
Anyway after a lot of stressing and few fitful nights, I decided that I really wanted to try out the job, that I deserved it, and I shouldn't let my relationship get in the way of what I really want to do. It shouldn't be that way anyway, it should coincide with it. I'd let my feelings for Jamie take over so much of my life that I couldn't remember what I wanted. Jamie wasn't very happy, mind you. I mean he didn't say anything directly, but I could tell.
So after a lot of quick learning and brain smarts, I ended up getting the job. I worked extra time, cleaned up the entire store, and reorganized and sorted files all the way back from '04! That's more than any of the other trainees did, and I'm pretty sure I would've gotten the job even if I hadn't done it, because I'm pretty charismatic; the Rec staff and students in charge of the store like me a lot. But, I decided if I was going to get the job, I wanted it to at least look fair - that I got chosen because I worked harder, not because I was pretty, a female, and easy to work with.
I really like the job. I'm really good at it and they need a woman's touch in there - badly. I make the store more tips than it's ever made, and I don't even have to work for them. I love the attention and it's a huge ego boost, which I've really been needing lately.
As for Jamie and I, we've been spending less and less time together. I feel like we're so artificial now. I keep trying to tell myself it's nothing, that we're okay, but we're not. I'm not. He's mad at me - again- and it's not fair. I didn't even mean to do anything and I apologized. I've done everything to make it better! I have so much bottled up inside and I want to just scream and cry becuase I've written pages and pages of poetry and simple thoughts, but none of it is good enough to explain how I feel.
I'm so frustrated. I'm so angry. I'm sad and lonely and full of hatred. I'm so young and naive and pathetic. I'm so different from who I used to be. I'm angry about all the bad things that have happened in my life. I'm sad that my friend Tyler's 18th birthday just passed and he's not around to celebrate it. I'm upset that I'm so alone here, even though I'm in a relationship. I want my mom. I want my friends. I want to see my grandpa's land again - my most favorite place in the world. I've been here almost five months. I'm 1/4 of the way done and I can't even see how I'm going to get through tomorrrow.
I hate being in this limbo with Jamie. He won't really talk to me and he makes me feel like everything is my fault. He had to ask himself why he was with me. He asked me why I was with him if he hurt me so much and made me feel like a piece of crap so often. And I told him it was because I couldn't just walk away from everything. I couldn't try and tell myself I didn't love him anymore because I would be lying to myself. When I'm happy with him, I'm really happy. It's stupid crap like this that tears me apart. I can't just forget the way it feels when he kisses me or when we laugh together. I don't want to give up on us. I don't believe that he can say all those I love you's the way he did and throw them all away. How can a person do that? I don't think that I could have invested all this time and effort and heartache for nothing. I don't just give my heart to anyone...
If this is it... what the hell was the point?
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