Decisions

Day 151, 22nd Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, everyone. I think that I'll just stop apologizing for not writing as often as I should - otherwise I'll end up saying it a whole lot more than I'd care to. I have a hard time writing about things when I'm stressed out; I can't get my thoughts organized, and I'm always stressed here.

Karlee is okay. They don't know whats wrong but I think it was just stress because she was away from Kevin. He got back yesterday.

It's between Sterling and I on who next the next full-time position in trade. We both got in at the same time, we've both worked hard, and the instructors can only take one. We've yet to hear who they pick. I think it'll be Sterling- and if it is, I'm not worried about it. He deserves it.

I have a lot on my hands right now. I just got a permanent job at the student store where they sell snacks, drinks, and hygiene products, and I'll be making $40 extra dollars a month. I didn't do it for the money though...

When Jamie wasn't really talking to me and he was doing his own thing, Shaun Marceau, the head staff of Rec, came to me and asked if I wanted to try out for the job at the store. I'm pretty sure I'm one of his favorite students, and he had only asked because he knew I needed a distraction, so I told him I'd think about it. Then all of a sudden, Jamie did his turn around, and as much as I wanted to spend time with him, I didn't want to say no to Shaun since he'd made space especially for me and I'd already quit on him as Rec President (partly because I wanted more time with Jamie).

When I told Jamie about my predicament he made me feel really bad about taking the job. He was all offended and was like, "That's going to take up all of the time we usually spend together". I couldn't believe him! He had hardly spoken to me in weeks! We didn't have a time we usually spent together because we usually weren't together. I didn't think it was fair that he jumped all over my case because I decided I wanted to do something for me because I wasn't getting anywhere with him. And I told him exactly that. Then he told me that I should do whatever I felt was right for me - but it was the way he said it. (I partly took it for him - the store is separated from the rest of Rec by a metal

Anyway after a lot of stressing and few fitful nights, I decided that I really wanted to try out the job, that I deserved it, and I shouldn't let my relationship get in the way of what I really want to do. It shouldn't be that way anyway, it should coincide with it. I'd let my feelings for Jamie take over so much of my life that I couldn't remember what I wanted. Jamie wasn't very happy, mind you. I mean he didn't say anything directly, but I could tell.

So after a lot of quick learning and brain smarts,  I ended up getting the job. I worked extra time, cleaned up the entire store, and reorganized and sorted files all the way back from '04! That's more than any of the other trainees did, and I'm pretty sure I would've gotten the job even if I hadn't done it, because I'm pretty charismatic; the Rec staff and students in charge of the store like me a lot. But, I decided if I was going to get the job, I wanted it to at least look fair - that I got chosen because I worked harder, not because I was pretty, a female, and easy to work with.

I really like the job. I'm really good at it and they need a woman's touch in there - badly. I make the store more tips than it's ever made, and I don't even have to work for them. I love the attention and it's a huge ego boost, which I've really been needing lately.


As for Jamie and I, we've been spending less and less time together. I feel like we're so artificial now. I keep trying to tell myself it's nothing, that we're okay, but we're not. I'm not. He's mad at me - again- and it's not fair. I didn't even mean to do anything and I apologized. I've done everything to make it better! I have so much bottled up inside and I want to just scream and cry becuase I've written pages and pages of poetry and simple thoughts, but none of it is good enough to explain how I feel.
I'm so frustrated. I'm so angry. I'm sad and lonely and full of hatred. I'm so young and naive and pathetic. I'm so different from who I used to be. I'm angry about all the bad things that have happened in my life. I'm sad that my friend Tyler's 18th birthday just passed and he's not around to celebrate it. I'm upset that I'm so alone here, even though I'm in a relationship. I want my mom. I want my friends. I want to see my grandpa's land again - my most favorite place in the world. I've been here almost five months. I'm 1/4 of the way done and I can't even see how I'm going to get through tomorrrow.

I hate being in this limbo with Jamie. He won't really talk to me and he makes me feel like everything is my fault. He had to ask himself why he was with me. He asked me why I was with him if he hurt me so much and made me feel like a piece of crap so often. And I told him it was because I couldn't just walk away from everything. I couldn't try and tell myself I didn't love him anymore because I would be lying to myself. When I'm happy with him, I'm really happy. It's stupid crap like this that tears me apart. I can't just forget the way it feels when he kisses me or when we laugh together. I don't want to give up on us. I don't believe that he can say all those I love you's the way he did and throw them all away. How can a person do that? I don't think that I could have invested all this time and effort and heartache for nothing. I don't just give my heart to anyone...

If this is it... what the hell was the point?