Day 205, 54th Vocational Trade Day------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been having a writer's block lately. I hate having to be so selective on what I can write because I'm afraid to piss someone off or end up causing a whole lot of trouble for myself here at Job Corps.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Change
Day 201--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought that I would emphasize on the reason why I think people don't change, myself included. I've been thinking a lot about it and I just don't see how it's possible. Change doesn't exist in any part of this world. And the reason is because things don't change but rather they become or grow into a different sort of what they were before.
The previous being hasn't disappeared, it's simply evolved. Sometimes this evolution is so great that all that remains of the thing before it is an outer shell. But in the end whatever this thing or being has become, it always had that potential to grow into that aspect, even before it showed any signs of this thing called change.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone has the potential of being a whole lot of different ways from the very beginning. And from the very beginning, series of events shape that person into a certain sort of being. Never new, never different, because that personality was always there. Just grown.
Take a tree for example. Let's say we watch it from a seed, and typically trees grow straight up and down. Well pretty soon this seed grows into a sapling and starts to look and behave differently. The sapling begins to breath (photosynthesis) and as it breathes it has an affect on the world around it. The sapling grows into a small tree. All of a sudden a larger, much older tree falls on our little tree. Well sometimes, instead of dying, a small tree will carry on to grow around the fallen log.
Fast forward 15 years. Now our little tree is much larger and the log that fell on it many years ago has decayed and become the forest floor. However, our tree shows the sign of it's struggles by the crook in it's trunk, caused by the eventful day it was crushed as a sapling.
From the beginning, this tree could have been straight, proud, and tall... and all at the same time, it had the potential to be warped, weathered, and tested of it's strength. The course of events effected the initial growth of this tree. But there was always a possibility of a different outcome.
I thought that I would emphasize on the reason why I think people don't change, myself included. I've been thinking a lot about it and I just don't see how it's possible. Change doesn't exist in any part of this world. And the reason is because things don't change but rather they become or grow into a different sort of what they were before.
The previous being hasn't disappeared, it's simply evolved. Sometimes this evolution is so great that all that remains of the thing before it is an outer shell. But in the end whatever this thing or being has become, it always had that potential to grow into that aspect, even before it showed any signs of this thing called change.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone has the potential of being a whole lot of different ways from the very beginning. And from the very beginning, series of events shape that person into a certain sort of being. Never new, never different, because that personality was always there. Just grown.
Take a tree for example. Let's say we watch it from a seed, and typically trees grow straight up and down. Well pretty soon this seed grows into a sapling and starts to look and behave differently. The sapling begins to breath (photosynthesis) and as it breathes it has an affect on the world around it. The sapling grows into a small tree. All of a sudden a larger, much older tree falls on our little tree. Well sometimes, instead of dying, a small tree will carry on to grow around the fallen log.
Fast forward 15 years. Now our little tree is much larger and the log that fell on it many years ago has decayed and become the forest floor. However, our tree shows the sign of it's struggles by the crook in it's trunk, caused by the eventful day it was crushed as a sapling.
From the beginning, this tree could have been straight, proud, and tall... and all at the same time, it had the potential to be warped, weathered, and tested of it's strength. The course of events effected the initial growth of this tree. But there was always a possibility of a different outcome.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A Blog to the Public?
Day 197, 48th Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that Daniel is a god, and we're just friends. I also don't think that Jamie is a terrible person and I'm just as in love with him as I always have been. And I take more upon myself to try pretend that I don't. Just wanted to clarify that.
You know, I originally inteded this blog to be written for close friends and family. It was important that they knew what I was feeling so they could try to understand what changes I was going through. I wanted them to understand how I was doing and what kind of person I was growing to be. But now I'm forced to watch what I say and how much I say because students here at Job Corps have access to my blog. And I know that not a single one of them are reading it because they actually care about what happens in my life, they read it to see just to see how much drama they can produce using the juicy details from my blog.
There's so many things that I wish I could tell my family. Too bad that right has been taken away from me.
Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that Daniel is a god, and we're just friends. I also don't think that Jamie is a terrible person and I'm just as in love with him as I always have been. And I take more upon myself to try pretend that I don't. Just wanted to clarify that.
You know, I originally inteded this blog to be written for close friends and family. It was important that they knew what I was feeling so they could try to understand what changes I was going through. I wanted them to understand how I was doing and what kind of person I was growing to be. But now I'm forced to watch what I say and how much I say because students here at Job Corps have access to my blog. And I know that not a single one of them are reading it because they actually care about what happens in my life, they read it to see just to see how much drama they can produce using the juicy details from my blog.
There's so many things that I wish I could tell my family. Too bad that right has been taken away from me.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Social Discovery
Day 194----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Define the line between naivety and optimism, because quite honestly, I'm not sure if I ever knew the difference.
I forgot to mention Karlee moved out a few days ago. She never gave a reason why. Apparently my blog about Daniel offended her. She wanted so badly for Jamie and I to work things out. And when she left she said, "Sorry I couldn't be a better roommate. But after reading your blog, it kind of felt like a slap in the face".
The irony or the whole thing is highly amusing, however. Towards the end of our relationship, Karlee would say things like, "Why are you still with him", or "He really treats you like shit", or even "Why don't you and Daniel go out, you talk to him a lot and he's way nicer to you".
After we broke up she started coaching me in all the things I should have done to make things work in the first place. I should've laid down the ground rules, I should've let him know how I felt, and I should've told him about everything. I guess that means whenever I spoke to another person or sat next to someone on the bus I was supposed to tell him about the entire conversation we had even if it just so happened about my menstrual cycle or why the sky is blue. Everything that I did do right wasn't enough and it didn't count for anything, obviously, or we'd be together right now.
Karlee told me that Jamie told her he wanted to change and he would be better and he told her about all of his feelings towards me. Well, I don't know if she sugar-coated the entire thing, but even if she hadn't, how is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to be glad that the man who so badly wants me in my life would rather talk to my roommate (his best friend's girlfriend) about how he feels than come to me about it?
Oh, but don't take my word for it please, because I'm a compulsive lier and I don't know who I am or what I want. I also don't care about anyone else's feelings except my own, and I never have.
Everyone else in the world has a better idea about who I am than I do. Well, thanks a whole hell of a lot you guys! What would I ever have done without you?
Hey, I forgot to mention, Jordan and I got frisky in the back of the bus and Daniel and I started dating shortly after.
One problem. Someone had to come and notify me of these recent events, because I sure as hell didn't know about it.
You know, I never knew people could be so cruel. I didn't know people had such a strong urgency to lie. I mean I've been a teller of tall tales myself every now and again, but this?
Who would say something like that? Why would they? What kind of person is so determined to destroy my social credibility? How can one person so carelessly wreak havoc upon an other's life?
Months of tireless devotion to Jamie all count for nothing? Do people really think that I would dishonor my love for him by moving right along to the next guy in line? Do they think I lied about ever being in love in the first place? Was everything we did together a lie, just like the rest of the world is a lie?
I still love Jamie. I'm sorry that we couldn't work things out. Why doesn't anyone see that I would've done anything for him, and I'm not just the type to let love go and mean nothing. I have no intention on being with another man for the rest of my stay here at Job Corps. I don't think I could anyway. I couldn't show the same affection to an other, when the one I've already shared my heart with may as well be standing right behind me. I'm not like the other girls here.
I've decided it's time to harden my heart and put up the defenses, because people are only out to deceive.
Time to make new friends and only a select few, and when they leave here, I won't be apt to make anymore.
I'm settling because it's time to brace myself for impact. Rumors, lies, insults, and accusations incoming.
I live my life. My life is too fragile and the days I'm given are too precious to give others the privilege of living for me. The happiness I desire in this lifetime, is more urgent to me than the current state of your feelings. Don't rely on others to bring you happiness. You control your own destiny. The only power there is in the world is the power invested in you, and the power you allow others to have over you.
Guaranteed I just pissed off quite a few people who choose to read this blog. I'd better head out.
Define the line between naivety and optimism, because quite honestly, I'm not sure if I ever knew the difference.
I forgot to mention Karlee moved out a few days ago. She never gave a reason why. Apparently my blog about Daniel offended her. She wanted so badly for Jamie and I to work things out. And when she left she said, "Sorry I couldn't be a better roommate. But after reading your blog, it kind of felt like a slap in the face".
The irony or the whole thing is highly amusing, however. Towards the end of our relationship, Karlee would say things like, "Why are you still with him", or "He really treats you like shit", or even "Why don't you and Daniel go out, you talk to him a lot and he's way nicer to you".
After we broke up she started coaching me in all the things I should have done to make things work in the first place. I should've laid down the ground rules, I should've let him know how I felt, and I should've told him about everything. I guess that means whenever I spoke to another person or sat next to someone on the bus I was supposed to tell him about the entire conversation we had even if it just so happened about my menstrual cycle or why the sky is blue. Everything that I did do right wasn't enough and it didn't count for anything, obviously, or we'd be together right now.
Karlee told me that Jamie told her he wanted to change and he would be better and he told her about all of his feelings towards me. Well, I don't know if she sugar-coated the entire thing, but even if she hadn't, how is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to be glad that the man who so badly wants me in my life would rather talk to my roommate (his best friend's girlfriend) about how he feels than come to me about it?
Oh, but don't take my word for it please, because I'm a compulsive lier and I don't know who I am or what I want. I also don't care about anyone else's feelings except my own, and I never have.
Everyone else in the world has a better idea about who I am than I do. Well, thanks a whole hell of a lot you guys! What would I ever have done without you?
Hey, I forgot to mention, Jordan and I got frisky in the back of the bus and Daniel and I started dating shortly after.
One problem. Someone had to come and notify me of these recent events, because I sure as hell didn't know about it.
You know, I never knew people could be so cruel. I didn't know people had such a strong urgency to lie. I mean I've been a teller of tall tales myself every now and again, but this?
Who would say something like that? Why would they? What kind of person is so determined to destroy my social credibility? How can one person so carelessly wreak havoc upon an other's life?
Months of tireless devotion to Jamie all count for nothing? Do people really think that I would dishonor my love for him by moving right along to the next guy in line? Do they think I lied about ever being in love in the first place? Was everything we did together a lie, just like the rest of the world is a lie?
I still love Jamie. I'm sorry that we couldn't work things out. Why doesn't anyone see that I would've done anything for him, and I'm not just the type to let love go and mean nothing. I have no intention on being with another man for the rest of my stay here at Job Corps. I don't think I could anyway. I couldn't show the same affection to an other, when the one I've already shared my heart with may as well be standing right behind me. I'm not like the other girls here.
I've decided it's time to harden my heart and put up the defenses, because people are only out to deceive.
Time to make new friends and only a select few, and when they leave here, I won't be apt to make anymore.
I'm settling because it's time to brace myself for impact. Rumors, lies, insults, and accusations incoming.
I live my life. My life is too fragile and the days I'm given are too precious to give others the privilege of living for me. The happiness I desire in this lifetime, is more urgent to me than the current state of your feelings. Don't rely on others to bring you happiness. You control your own destiny. The only power there is in the world is the power invested in you, and the power you allow others to have over you.
Guaranteed I just pissed off quite a few people who choose to read this blog. I'd better head out.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
A Long Week
Day 192, 45th Vocational Trade Day--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm so glad it's Thursday. I think it's my favorite day of the week because it means that I only have one more day until the week is over.
It seems I've picked up a nasty cold. And the only reason I'm sick is because almost everyday this week the girls have had to stand outside the dorm and wait in the freaking cold after trade. Monday we stood outside the dorm for 25 minutes. Then the next day we stood outside for 10 minutes and later that same day I stood outside Recreation for 1 HOUR waiting for someone to let me in so I could open the store with my co-worker Ryan Pierson (from Port Angeles ironically, but that's another story). Now after all this standing outside I'm sicker than a dog.
Tomorrow they are holding a graduation for a handful of students who are complete in their trade, education, and licensing. These students are given caps and gowns and are given the privilege of speaking to their fellow peers about their success stories, and they are allowed to walk down the isle like they would be in they were in highschool. No one I know is graduating, so I'm not too bummed that I have to skip it for a doctor's appointment instead.
Good thing I have the store because it makes the days go by so much faster... unless I'm sick of course. This place in my sanctuary, my safe haven.
I'm so glad it's Thursday. I think it's my favorite day of the week because it means that I only have one more day until the week is over.
It seems I've picked up a nasty cold. And the only reason I'm sick is because almost everyday this week the girls have had to stand outside the dorm and wait in the freaking cold after trade. Monday we stood outside the dorm for 25 minutes. Then the next day we stood outside for 10 minutes and later that same day I stood outside Recreation for 1 HOUR waiting for someone to let me in so I could open the store with my co-worker Ryan Pierson (from Port Angeles ironically, but that's another story). Now after all this standing outside I'm sicker than a dog.
Tomorrow they are holding a graduation for a handful of students who are complete in their trade, education, and licensing. These students are given caps and gowns and are given the privilege of speaking to their fellow peers about their success stories, and they are allowed to walk down the isle like they would be in they were in highschool. No one I know is graduating, so I'm not too bummed that I have to skip it for a doctor's appointment instead.
Good thing I have the store because it makes the days go by so much faster... unless I'm sick of course. This place in my sanctuary, my safe haven.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Been Awhile, Been a Lot - An Introduction to Daniel
Day 188----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been way more busy than usual lately. Between student politics, social crisis, and accelerated events, I've barely had enough time to sleep, much less blog. Time for a million updates... where to begin?
I had CDP (Career Development Period) meeting last Monday. I get together with my instructor, a dorm manager, a counselor, and the career development counselor on the first Monday of every month. At this meeting we discuss my improvements, achievements, and goals for the next month. Well, as it turns out, everyone is very impressed with my success here at Fort Simcoe. The career development counselor, Linda Lee, has suggested that I go to college. Job Corps has a program where I can go to college for two years and get an Associates Degree of my choice. I'm very excited about it and she hopes to have me placed in a college by this summer so I can start the semester in fall. I'm hoping for a degree in Wildlife Survival. On another note, my head instructor, Scott Ferguson, says he's very impressed and hopes to see me (and Sterling (my 'trade twin')) in the position of foreman someday.
As it turns out, I didn't get any position in the SGA once again. Not really bummed, to be honest. I have a lot on my plate as it is...
There's been a lot of chaos in the dorm lately, and I'm getting tired of it. I've taken it upon myself to try and be a leader figure within the dorm, without being a leader. It seems that some of the girls like to have me as a spokesman for them. I have very good interpersonal skills and with a level head, I can see things from the outside in and visa verse.
The head honchos from Bureau of Forestry are here to investigate the conditions of the center. From what I hear, they are not impressed. The way staff are running things is sloppy. They can't find papers, nothing is on record, and they play favorites with students. They don't enforce current rules, but rather enforce rules that don't even exist. Also, the center is not run to the standards of all the other Job Corps. Things are going to be changing around here, and soon.
Things in my personal life have been all but stable. Jamie and I have been trying to work things out, but to no avail. One of us always ends up hurt. Maybe its the Aries - Virgo incompatibility. Remember how I said I would do things my way this time? Well apparently he doesn't like my way. I started hanging out with my guy friends and living and being truly happy for the first time in a long time because I wasn't worried about how he felt. I was comfortable enough in my relationship that I thought that since we both knew how we felt about each other, that would be enough to get past the rumors and the other crap. I swear, people around here talk just to see how much damage they can do.
Anyway, he ended up feeling all territorial and threatened when I hung out with my friends. I'm allowed to have man friends, and I shouldn't have to put a value or limit on friendship just because they happen to be of the opposite sex. I finally broke it off for good and he's wanting to get back together. He says he wishes he'd done things differently and things are going to change. I'm sorry, but people don't change, they simply grow into stronger into their own being. I've seen it in my dad. He's a lot wiser now than 10 years ago, but inside he's still the same person, just aged. And Jamie and I both need to age... in our own way. Apart.
However... there is sort of a root to all this evil. Since winter break I've formed an undying and loyal friendship with a young man named Daniel. We were talking right before break because we are both huge husky fans, and I ended up texting him in the middle of break, asking him what channel the Winter Bowl was on and it all started from there. The more we talked the more we had in common. Now he sits with me at the store every night that I work and every morning for breakfast during the week we meet at the same time, sit at the same table, with with the same people. And I'll tell you what, it feels so great to have a guy friend that I can laugh with and spend time with and be comfortable, without worrying about all the crap that comes with a relationship. We've already laid down the ground rules and, no matter what happens, we'll always be friends. Just friends. What a relief.
Towards the end Jamie pretty much gave me an ultimatum, 'Daniel or me', and I am not about to give up a friendship like that for a relationship where I've already given so much. It hurts that it had to come to this... but I'd rather not marry a man like my father.
I've been way more busy than usual lately. Between student politics, social crisis, and accelerated events, I've barely had enough time to sleep, much less blog. Time for a million updates... where to begin?
I had CDP (Career Development Period) meeting last Monday. I get together with my instructor, a dorm manager, a counselor, and the career development counselor on the first Monday of every month. At this meeting we discuss my improvements, achievements, and goals for the next month. Well, as it turns out, everyone is very impressed with my success here at Fort Simcoe. The career development counselor, Linda Lee, has suggested that I go to college. Job Corps has a program where I can go to college for two years and get an Associates Degree of my choice. I'm very excited about it and she hopes to have me placed in a college by this summer so I can start the semester in fall. I'm hoping for a degree in Wildlife Survival. On another note, my head instructor, Scott Ferguson, says he's very impressed and hopes to see me (and Sterling (my 'trade twin')) in the position of foreman someday.
As it turns out, I didn't get any position in the SGA once again. Not really bummed, to be honest. I have a lot on my plate as it is...
There's been a lot of chaos in the dorm lately, and I'm getting tired of it. I've taken it upon myself to try and be a leader figure within the dorm, without being a leader. It seems that some of the girls like to have me as a spokesman for them. I have very good interpersonal skills and with a level head, I can see things from the outside in and visa verse.
The head honchos from Bureau of Forestry are here to investigate the conditions of the center. From what I hear, they are not impressed. The way staff are running things is sloppy. They can't find papers, nothing is on record, and they play favorites with students. They don't enforce current rules, but rather enforce rules that don't even exist. Also, the center is not run to the standards of all the other Job Corps. Things are going to be changing around here, and soon.
Things in my personal life have been all but stable. Jamie and I have been trying to work things out, but to no avail. One of us always ends up hurt. Maybe its the Aries - Virgo incompatibility. Remember how I said I would do things my way this time? Well apparently he doesn't like my way. I started hanging out with my guy friends and living and being truly happy for the first time in a long time because I wasn't worried about how he felt. I was comfortable enough in my relationship that I thought that since we both knew how we felt about each other, that would be enough to get past the rumors and the other crap. I swear, people around here talk just to see how much damage they can do.
Anyway, he ended up feeling all territorial and threatened when I hung out with my friends. I'm allowed to have man friends, and I shouldn't have to put a value or limit on friendship just because they happen to be of the opposite sex. I finally broke it off for good and he's wanting to get back together. He says he wishes he'd done things differently and things are going to change. I'm sorry, but people don't change, they simply grow into stronger into their own being. I've seen it in my dad. He's a lot wiser now than 10 years ago, but inside he's still the same person, just aged. And Jamie and I both need to age... in our own way. Apart.
However... there is sort of a root to all this evil. Since winter break I've formed an undying and loyal friendship with a young man named Daniel. We were talking right before break because we are both huge husky fans, and I ended up texting him in the middle of break, asking him what channel the Winter Bowl was on and it all started from there. The more we talked the more we had in common. Now he sits with me at the store every night that I work and every morning for breakfast during the week we meet at the same time, sit at the same table, with with the same people. And I'll tell you what, it feels so great to have a guy friend that I can laugh with and spend time with and be comfortable, without worrying about all the crap that comes with a relationship. We've already laid down the ground rules and, no matter what happens, we'll always be friends. Just friends. What a relief.
Towards the end Jamie pretty much gave me an ultimatum, 'Daniel or me', and I am not about to give up a friendship like that for a relationship where I've already given so much. It hurts that it had to come to this... but I'd rather not marry a man like my father.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Time
Day 177, 34th Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ugh, finally, I have time to sit down and actually write a little bit. I forgot to update you on the Day Pass situation. They (the residential living advisers, I believe) have switched Day Pass back to the old rules. We leave at 1100, right after account, and we drive into Yakima. Then, we all unload and we're free until 1530. However, if you are over the age of 18, you can stay in town, you just have to have a ride back to center. Still not equal rights, but at least I can go into town again; I'm letting it go for now.
I had a really great day today. It drug on forEVER but it was still a good day. I was able to work one on one with my head instructor, Scott, and I was assigned several of my own tasks. I was afraid I'd mess up but it was nice not having to work with anyone, to have to share anything. That must be the only child in me speaking out!
I've quite suddenly become appreciative of everything I have. I kept saying that everyone here took things for granted but I've realized that I have been doing exactly the same. I'm no better than anyone else around here, as much as I like to think so sometimes...
I'm a lot happier than I have been in a long time. It's like this cloud has finally lifted and I finally understand what it is I really want and I love the fact that I'm alive today. It's been almost a year since my close friend, Tyler Braithwaite, passed away. It must be that, and a whole number of other occurrences that have brought me to this astounding outlook on life. The only one holding myself back this whole time was me, and it feels damn good to let go.
Ugh, finally, I have time to sit down and actually write a little bit. I forgot to update you on the Day Pass situation. They (the residential living advisers, I believe) have switched Day Pass back to the old rules. We leave at 1100, right after account, and we drive into Yakima. Then, we all unload and we're free until 1530. However, if you are over the age of 18, you can stay in town, you just have to have a ride back to center. Still not equal rights, but at least I can go into town again; I'm letting it go for now.
I had a really great day today. It drug on forEVER but it was still a good day. I was able to work one on one with my head instructor, Scott, and I was assigned several of my own tasks. I was afraid I'd mess up but it was nice not having to work with anyone, to have to share anything. That must be the only child in me speaking out!
I've quite suddenly become appreciative of everything I have. I kept saying that everyone here took things for granted but I've realized that I have been doing exactly the same. I'm no better than anyone else around here, as much as I like to think so sometimes...
I'm a lot happier than I have been in a long time. It's like this cloud has finally lifted and I finally understand what it is I really want and I love the fact that I'm alive today. It's been almost a year since my close friend, Tyler Braithwaite, passed away. It must be that, and a whole number of other occurrences that have brought me to this astounding outlook on life. The only one holding myself back this whole time was me, and it feels damn good to let go.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Driver's Ed - Store Updates
Day 176, 33rd Vocational Day--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I had my final day of driver's Ed today. After 17 lessons, I have my certificate and now all I have to do is hurry up and wait for my 6 months to be up and I can get my license.
I re-organized all the files in the store and I finally have almost everything in their right places. I moved a microwave in here so I don't have to leave the store to cook my food, and I got internet hooked up in the store. Now I should have more time to blog! Yay!
Also, I have hooked up my mobile to my blog and hopefully I'll get some pictures of Job Corps put up so you guys can get a visual.
P.S.
Sorry if my blog is a little choppy. Distracted from costumers and conversations.
So I had my final day of driver's Ed today. After 17 lessons, I have my certificate and now all I have to do is hurry up and wait for my 6 months to be up and I can get my license.
I re-organized all the files in the store and I finally have almost everything in their right places. I moved a microwave in here so I don't have to leave the store to cook my food, and I got internet hooked up in the store. Now I should have more time to blog! Yay!
Also, I have hooked up my mobile to my blog and hopefully I'll get some pictures of Job Corps put up so you guys can get a visual.
P.S.
Sorry if my blog is a little choppy. Distracted from costumers and conversations.
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