Day 157--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Jamie and I are finally over. I found pictures of him with his shirt off on another girl's phone - the SAME ones he sent me. He then proceeded to tell her how he loved her breasts and how they would feel good on his abs. Thing is, he has all of us fooled. Even Kevin.
I packed up everything I had of him. The love notes he wrote me, the poems I wrote him, his sweatshirt, hat, and dog tag. The tag that I never took off to show the world that I belonged to one person... and I gave it all back.
The past three months of my life... wasted. All the time, money, and energy I put into this, into us, was for what? -Nothing.
I'm so angry. He didn't just cheat me of my pride and my dignity, he took away a huge part of my life. And I let it happen.
I'm more mad at myself then anything. The only one I have to blame is me. And I keep asking myself, did he really feel anything? All the 'I love you's? All the pain of his past... was I the only one he told? He made me feel special, did he mean it?
He told me just the other night that he used to be a player in high school, they used to call him Jamie Turn-Her because he could turn on any girl... I told him that I never wanted to see that side... well I got my wish and he did a pretty damn good job of hiding it.
He wasn't even man enough to come outside and take his stuff in person. He's not man enough to give me an explanation. An apology. Something!
I want to text him. I want to call him and I want to see him and I want to tell him what a piece of shit he is for putting me through everything, for treating me like trash, for letting me think I was the one who needed to change. But I know it won't solve anything. I know it won't make this better. I have to let it go. I have to pick myself up off the ground with whatever self-esteem I have left and move on, be the bigger person. And it sucks.
I just want to know why.
Why me? Why this? Why did he have to lie and fool me into loving him? Why did he let me trust him with my heart? Was this all a game? What did he really want? Did he even care at any point in our relationship about me? Why did he bring me home? Why did he introduce me into his life, to his mom, and his sister? Why did I buy him a 70 dollar sweatshit and a 50 dollar bus ticket to see him Christmas break. WHY?!
I can tell you one thing, I'm not going to cry for him. If I cry tonight I'll be crying for myself. How stupid I was. How naive. I really should listen to my own advice more often.
I really don't know what else to say. This was a good lesson to be learned. For some reason the only person I can really think of right now is Grandpa. He's the only person I've been thinking about all night. I wish he was here, he always knows what to do.
The funny thing is, I don't really feel the need to go home, to run away. Now I can go on with my life with absolutely nothing and no one to hold me back.
My new favorite comfort words, ironically, are 'nothing' and 'alone'. It feels good to be free.
You deserve better... You're better off without him, I think... from what I've read. I'm glad you have that sense of freedom now. I can relate to that. It's nice not having someone to answer to.
ReplyDeleteMy ex actually decided he wanted to be my friend again, and I was okay with that because I thought, and still do think, that he's a really interesting and smart person. One day I went to the mainland and we talked about getting together, but I had also made plans with my girlfriends for one of the days I was there. He didn't tell me, but the day on which I'd made plans was the only day he could hang out, so when I told him I couldn't see him because I had made plans with my friends (the day of), he blew up. He told me not to contact him ever again. Our friendship ended because I had made plans on the same day he wanted to see me. Even though I didn't know he couldn't see me any other day. Had he told me sooner, I could have rescheduled my get-together. So, that's what I was left with.
That's not a good reason to stop being friends, and I predict there was more to it than that, but he never said anything more about it. I never got a reasonable explanation, either.
Have to pick yourself up and move on, just like you said. Be the bigger person. I think you're on the right track, for sure. :)
Hi Elizabeth- I am enjoying reading your blog. I have a child (18 years old) who is thinking of going to Fort Simecoe. It is really hard to find any info about the place. Would you mind emailing me and I just had a few questions. Sounds like your really busy but if you had time I would appreciate it. Thanks.
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Love is the hardest lesson to learn anything about. Simply because it is always different with each and every person. I know how you feel! I miss you so much liz, I hope that you are doing alright, after all of this :) I dated a guy for 2 years and we've only been broken up for 5 months, and I thought the same things, was it worth it? Did he really love me? and Why was I so foolish? But It is just a lesson learned. You learn more about yourself then you ever thought possible, and you realize what you want and do not want in a man as the future unfolds. Take this as a learning opportunity to grow and better yourself. I love you :) Take care :)
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