Day 222----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't been able to blog recently because Job Corps has blocked all student access to the internet. When they start it back up again, all social networking is going to be blocked, including blogger.
I'm sorry everyone, this blog reallly meant a lot to me. I love writing, I always have. To see the words dance across the page is like an artist painting across a canvas. I'm going to try to blog on Saturdays when I go out on day pass, but as far as fighting for my right to blog, I'm done. I've been trying to fight the system ever since I got here but I'm done.
I'm tired and broken, I've decided to just give up and do what they say. I'll be out of here and on to college by September. If being quiet and compliant is what they want, they can have it.
All they do is screw us around. I'm done, and they win.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Frustration and Philosophy
Day 211, 58th Vocational Trade Day--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been appointed Assistant Foreman in trade, along with Sterling (Shawntelle is Foreman), and many of the guys are not happy about it. One in particular. He started a whole thing saying that I was flirting with my instructor, and I didn't deserve the position. There's a lot of talk about me being power hungry and abusing my position.
Well the whole thing about my instructor is absurd, this person only started that rumor because he must be jealous and angry with me because I got the position. And as far as foremanship goes, yes, I am serious about trade and completing as soon as possible and I'm going to try my best not to screw up this opportunity. I admit that I don't know everything there is to know about trade, I'm still learning, and I have a lot to learn. But rather than rag on me, why can't they help me so I'm ready for Foreman once Shawntelle leaves?
As far as trying to differentiate between what's fact and what's fiction, I've decided to stop trying to figure it out, and instead just lay everything out on the table and take it for what it is. There are too many variables, too many 'what ifs'. And there are too many things along with too many people involved that - in the long run - will have absolutely no impression on my life whatsoever.
So I'm not sure if I've said this before, but if I have I really need to learn how to follow my own advice.
Don't stress about the past, because you can't change it. Don't worry about the future because it hasn't happened yet. And enjoy the present because every moment you live becomes a moment in your past, and how you live it determines what will happen in your future and who you will become. If you don't like who you are, the only person you have to blame is yourself, and the only one who can help you is you.
I've been appointed Assistant Foreman in trade, along with Sterling (Shawntelle is Foreman), and many of the guys are not happy about it. One in particular. He started a whole thing saying that I was flirting with my instructor, and I didn't deserve the position. There's a lot of talk about me being power hungry and abusing my position.
Well the whole thing about my instructor is absurd, this person only started that rumor because he must be jealous and angry with me because I got the position. And as far as foremanship goes, yes, I am serious about trade and completing as soon as possible and I'm going to try my best not to screw up this opportunity. I admit that I don't know everything there is to know about trade, I'm still learning, and I have a lot to learn. But rather than rag on me, why can't they help me so I'm ready for Foreman once Shawntelle leaves?
As far as trying to differentiate between what's fact and what's fiction, I've decided to stop trying to figure it out, and instead just lay everything out on the table and take it for what it is. There are too many variables, too many 'what ifs'. And there are too many things along with too many people involved that - in the long run - will have absolutely no impression on my life whatsoever.
So I'm not sure if I've said this before, but if I have I really need to learn how to follow my own advice.
Don't stress about the past, because you can't change it. Don't worry about the future because it hasn't happened yet. And enjoy the present because every moment you live becomes a moment in your past, and how you live it determines what will happen in your future and who you will become. If you don't like who you are, the only person you have to blame is yourself, and the only one who can help you is you.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Cobwebs
Day 208--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself today and, as I was staring blankly out the window, I came to the realization that I didn't want to go home. Not really.
I kept thinking to myself that I don't want to be here anymore, that I want to go home, but then I thought of how lost I felt at home during winter break. I didn't know what it was but it didn't feel right and I couldn't figure it out for the longest time. I knew I didn't want to be here, but I couldn't go home, so what was it I wanted?? ... Then it dawned on me.
Everyone here always says how much they want to go home and leave Job Corps, but rarely anyone actually quits. It's because we all come here for a reason. And no matter that reason may be, in our hearts we all know that when we talk about leaving, we're really talking about going back, back in time. At least, that's what I realized I've been desiring the most.
I miss the carelessness of being a child. Back when I was young, I mean really young, I enjoyed every new experience. I was so quick to forgive and I wasn't afraid to laugh out loud. Everyone was perfect and the weather was always good enough for me to play in.
Now I'm faced with important decisions, things, and people that will shape my life forever. Every little action has a consequence that no one can sum up for besides myself. It's a big world out there, a small world here, but the burden is just as heavy.
I miss Mom and Daddy and John. And I really, really miss Grandma and Grandpa. I just wish that when I was younger, I had appreciated every moment of every day, especially the days I spent with them. Because now I'm the only one who can take care of me, and I have big plans, so I pray that I can find the time to spend with them since I hardly have time for myself, and it seems like it's all going by so fast.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying really hard to remember my past and hold on to the present, but they're just cobwebs of my life that slip through my fingers as I fall into the future.
I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself today and, as I was staring blankly out the window, I came to the realization that I didn't want to go home. Not really.
I kept thinking to myself that I don't want to be here anymore, that I want to go home, but then I thought of how lost I felt at home during winter break. I didn't know what it was but it didn't feel right and I couldn't figure it out for the longest time. I knew I didn't want to be here, but I couldn't go home, so what was it I wanted?? ... Then it dawned on me.
Everyone here always says how much they want to go home and leave Job Corps, but rarely anyone actually quits. It's because we all come here for a reason. And no matter that reason may be, in our hearts we all know that when we talk about leaving, we're really talking about going back, back in time. At least, that's what I realized I've been desiring the most.
I miss the carelessness of being a child. Back when I was young, I mean really young, I enjoyed every new experience. I was so quick to forgive and I wasn't afraid to laugh out loud. Everyone was perfect and the weather was always good enough for me to play in.
Now I'm faced with important decisions, things, and people that will shape my life forever. Every little action has a consequence that no one can sum up for besides myself. It's a big world out there, a small world here, but the burden is just as heavy.
I miss Mom and Daddy and John. And I really, really miss Grandma and Grandpa. I just wish that when I was younger, I had appreciated every moment of every day, especially the days I spent with them. Because now I'm the only one who can take care of me, and I have big plans, so I pray that I can find the time to spend with them since I hardly have time for myself, and it seems like it's all going by so fast.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying really hard to remember my past and hold on to the present, but they're just cobwebs of my life that slip through my fingers as I fall into the future.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Blocked
Day 205, 54th Vocational Trade Day------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been having a writer's block lately. I hate having to be so selective on what I can write because I'm afraid to piss someone off or end up causing a whole lot of trouble for myself here at Job Corps.
I've been having a writer's block lately. I hate having to be so selective on what I can write because I'm afraid to piss someone off or end up causing a whole lot of trouble for myself here at Job Corps.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Change
Day 201--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought that I would emphasize on the reason why I think people don't change, myself included. I've been thinking a lot about it and I just don't see how it's possible. Change doesn't exist in any part of this world. And the reason is because things don't change but rather they become or grow into a different sort of what they were before.
The previous being hasn't disappeared, it's simply evolved. Sometimes this evolution is so great that all that remains of the thing before it is an outer shell. But in the end whatever this thing or being has become, it always had that potential to grow into that aspect, even before it showed any signs of this thing called change.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone has the potential of being a whole lot of different ways from the very beginning. And from the very beginning, series of events shape that person into a certain sort of being. Never new, never different, because that personality was always there. Just grown.
Take a tree for example. Let's say we watch it from a seed, and typically trees grow straight up and down. Well pretty soon this seed grows into a sapling and starts to look and behave differently. The sapling begins to breath (photosynthesis) and as it breathes it has an affect on the world around it. The sapling grows into a small tree. All of a sudden a larger, much older tree falls on our little tree. Well sometimes, instead of dying, a small tree will carry on to grow around the fallen log.
Fast forward 15 years. Now our little tree is much larger and the log that fell on it many years ago has decayed and become the forest floor. However, our tree shows the sign of it's struggles by the crook in it's trunk, caused by the eventful day it was crushed as a sapling.
From the beginning, this tree could have been straight, proud, and tall... and all at the same time, it had the potential to be warped, weathered, and tested of it's strength. The course of events effected the initial growth of this tree. But there was always a possibility of a different outcome.
I thought that I would emphasize on the reason why I think people don't change, myself included. I've been thinking a lot about it and I just don't see how it's possible. Change doesn't exist in any part of this world. And the reason is because things don't change but rather they become or grow into a different sort of what they were before.
The previous being hasn't disappeared, it's simply evolved. Sometimes this evolution is so great that all that remains of the thing before it is an outer shell. But in the end whatever this thing or being has become, it always had that potential to grow into that aspect, even before it showed any signs of this thing called change.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone has the potential of being a whole lot of different ways from the very beginning. And from the very beginning, series of events shape that person into a certain sort of being. Never new, never different, because that personality was always there. Just grown.
Take a tree for example. Let's say we watch it from a seed, and typically trees grow straight up and down. Well pretty soon this seed grows into a sapling and starts to look and behave differently. The sapling begins to breath (photosynthesis) and as it breathes it has an affect on the world around it. The sapling grows into a small tree. All of a sudden a larger, much older tree falls on our little tree. Well sometimes, instead of dying, a small tree will carry on to grow around the fallen log.
Fast forward 15 years. Now our little tree is much larger and the log that fell on it many years ago has decayed and become the forest floor. However, our tree shows the sign of it's struggles by the crook in it's trunk, caused by the eventful day it was crushed as a sapling.
From the beginning, this tree could have been straight, proud, and tall... and all at the same time, it had the potential to be warped, weathered, and tested of it's strength. The course of events effected the initial growth of this tree. But there was always a possibility of a different outcome.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A Blog to the Public?
Day 197, 48th Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that Daniel is a god, and we're just friends. I also don't think that Jamie is a terrible person and I'm just as in love with him as I always have been. And I take more upon myself to try pretend that I don't. Just wanted to clarify that.
You know, I originally inteded this blog to be written for close friends and family. It was important that they knew what I was feeling so they could try to understand what changes I was going through. I wanted them to understand how I was doing and what kind of person I was growing to be. But now I'm forced to watch what I say and how much I say because students here at Job Corps have access to my blog. And I know that not a single one of them are reading it because they actually care about what happens in my life, they read it to see just to see how much drama they can produce using the juicy details from my blog.
There's so many things that I wish I could tell my family. Too bad that right has been taken away from me.
Contrary to popular belief, I don't think that Daniel is a god, and we're just friends. I also don't think that Jamie is a terrible person and I'm just as in love with him as I always have been. And I take more upon myself to try pretend that I don't. Just wanted to clarify that.
You know, I originally inteded this blog to be written for close friends and family. It was important that they knew what I was feeling so they could try to understand what changes I was going through. I wanted them to understand how I was doing and what kind of person I was growing to be. But now I'm forced to watch what I say and how much I say because students here at Job Corps have access to my blog. And I know that not a single one of them are reading it because they actually care about what happens in my life, they read it to see just to see how much drama they can produce using the juicy details from my blog.
There's so many things that I wish I could tell my family. Too bad that right has been taken away from me.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Social Discovery
Day 194----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Define the line between naivety and optimism, because quite honestly, I'm not sure if I ever knew the difference.
I forgot to mention Karlee moved out a few days ago. She never gave a reason why. Apparently my blog about Daniel offended her. She wanted so badly for Jamie and I to work things out. And when she left she said, "Sorry I couldn't be a better roommate. But after reading your blog, it kind of felt like a slap in the face".
The irony or the whole thing is highly amusing, however. Towards the end of our relationship, Karlee would say things like, "Why are you still with him", or "He really treats you like shit", or even "Why don't you and Daniel go out, you talk to him a lot and he's way nicer to you".
After we broke up she started coaching me in all the things I should have done to make things work in the first place. I should've laid down the ground rules, I should've let him know how I felt, and I should've told him about everything. I guess that means whenever I spoke to another person or sat next to someone on the bus I was supposed to tell him about the entire conversation we had even if it just so happened about my menstrual cycle or why the sky is blue. Everything that I did do right wasn't enough and it didn't count for anything, obviously, or we'd be together right now.
Karlee told me that Jamie told her he wanted to change and he would be better and he told her about all of his feelings towards me. Well, I don't know if she sugar-coated the entire thing, but even if she hadn't, how is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to be glad that the man who so badly wants me in my life would rather talk to my roommate (his best friend's girlfriend) about how he feels than come to me about it?
Oh, but don't take my word for it please, because I'm a compulsive lier and I don't know who I am or what I want. I also don't care about anyone else's feelings except my own, and I never have.
Everyone else in the world has a better idea about who I am than I do. Well, thanks a whole hell of a lot you guys! What would I ever have done without you?
Hey, I forgot to mention, Jordan and I got frisky in the back of the bus and Daniel and I started dating shortly after.
One problem. Someone had to come and notify me of these recent events, because I sure as hell didn't know about it.
You know, I never knew people could be so cruel. I didn't know people had such a strong urgency to lie. I mean I've been a teller of tall tales myself every now and again, but this?
Who would say something like that? Why would they? What kind of person is so determined to destroy my social credibility? How can one person so carelessly wreak havoc upon an other's life?
Months of tireless devotion to Jamie all count for nothing? Do people really think that I would dishonor my love for him by moving right along to the next guy in line? Do they think I lied about ever being in love in the first place? Was everything we did together a lie, just like the rest of the world is a lie?
I still love Jamie. I'm sorry that we couldn't work things out. Why doesn't anyone see that I would've done anything for him, and I'm not just the type to let love go and mean nothing. I have no intention on being with another man for the rest of my stay here at Job Corps. I don't think I could anyway. I couldn't show the same affection to an other, when the one I've already shared my heart with may as well be standing right behind me. I'm not like the other girls here.
I've decided it's time to harden my heart and put up the defenses, because people are only out to deceive.
Time to make new friends and only a select few, and when they leave here, I won't be apt to make anymore.
I'm settling because it's time to brace myself for impact. Rumors, lies, insults, and accusations incoming.
I live my life. My life is too fragile and the days I'm given are too precious to give others the privilege of living for me. The happiness I desire in this lifetime, is more urgent to me than the current state of your feelings. Don't rely on others to bring you happiness. You control your own destiny. The only power there is in the world is the power invested in you, and the power you allow others to have over you.
Guaranteed I just pissed off quite a few people who choose to read this blog. I'd better head out.
Define the line between naivety and optimism, because quite honestly, I'm not sure if I ever knew the difference.
I forgot to mention Karlee moved out a few days ago. She never gave a reason why. Apparently my blog about Daniel offended her. She wanted so badly for Jamie and I to work things out. And when she left she said, "Sorry I couldn't be a better roommate. But after reading your blog, it kind of felt like a slap in the face".
The irony or the whole thing is highly amusing, however. Towards the end of our relationship, Karlee would say things like, "Why are you still with him", or "He really treats you like shit", or even "Why don't you and Daniel go out, you talk to him a lot and he's way nicer to you".
After we broke up she started coaching me in all the things I should have done to make things work in the first place. I should've laid down the ground rules, I should've let him know how I felt, and I should've told him about everything. I guess that means whenever I spoke to another person or sat next to someone on the bus I was supposed to tell him about the entire conversation we had even if it just so happened about my menstrual cycle or why the sky is blue. Everything that I did do right wasn't enough and it didn't count for anything, obviously, or we'd be together right now.
Karlee told me that Jamie told her he wanted to change and he would be better and he told her about all of his feelings towards me. Well, I don't know if she sugar-coated the entire thing, but even if she hadn't, how is that supposed to make me feel better? Am I supposed to be glad that the man who so badly wants me in my life would rather talk to my roommate (his best friend's girlfriend) about how he feels than come to me about it?
Oh, but don't take my word for it please, because I'm a compulsive lier and I don't know who I am or what I want. I also don't care about anyone else's feelings except my own, and I never have.
Everyone else in the world has a better idea about who I am than I do. Well, thanks a whole hell of a lot you guys! What would I ever have done without you?
Hey, I forgot to mention, Jordan and I got frisky in the back of the bus and Daniel and I started dating shortly after.
One problem. Someone had to come and notify me of these recent events, because I sure as hell didn't know about it.
You know, I never knew people could be so cruel. I didn't know people had such a strong urgency to lie. I mean I've been a teller of tall tales myself every now and again, but this?
Who would say something like that? Why would they? What kind of person is so determined to destroy my social credibility? How can one person so carelessly wreak havoc upon an other's life?
Months of tireless devotion to Jamie all count for nothing? Do people really think that I would dishonor my love for him by moving right along to the next guy in line? Do they think I lied about ever being in love in the first place? Was everything we did together a lie, just like the rest of the world is a lie?
I still love Jamie. I'm sorry that we couldn't work things out. Why doesn't anyone see that I would've done anything for him, and I'm not just the type to let love go and mean nothing. I have no intention on being with another man for the rest of my stay here at Job Corps. I don't think I could anyway. I couldn't show the same affection to an other, when the one I've already shared my heart with may as well be standing right behind me. I'm not like the other girls here.
I've decided it's time to harden my heart and put up the defenses, because people are only out to deceive.
Time to make new friends and only a select few, and when they leave here, I won't be apt to make anymore.
I'm settling because it's time to brace myself for impact. Rumors, lies, insults, and accusations incoming.
I live my life. My life is too fragile and the days I'm given are too precious to give others the privilege of living for me. The happiness I desire in this lifetime, is more urgent to me than the current state of your feelings. Don't rely on others to bring you happiness. You control your own destiny. The only power there is in the world is the power invested in you, and the power you allow others to have over you.
Guaranteed I just pissed off quite a few people who choose to read this blog. I'd better head out.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
A Long Week
Day 192, 45th Vocational Trade Day--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm so glad it's Thursday. I think it's my favorite day of the week because it means that I only have one more day until the week is over.
It seems I've picked up a nasty cold. And the only reason I'm sick is because almost everyday this week the girls have had to stand outside the dorm and wait in the freaking cold after trade. Monday we stood outside the dorm for 25 minutes. Then the next day we stood outside for 10 minutes and later that same day I stood outside Recreation for 1 HOUR waiting for someone to let me in so I could open the store with my co-worker Ryan Pierson (from Port Angeles ironically, but that's another story). Now after all this standing outside I'm sicker than a dog.
Tomorrow they are holding a graduation for a handful of students who are complete in their trade, education, and licensing. These students are given caps and gowns and are given the privilege of speaking to their fellow peers about their success stories, and they are allowed to walk down the isle like they would be in they were in highschool. No one I know is graduating, so I'm not too bummed that I have to skip it for a doctor's appointment instead.
Good thing I have the store because it makes the days go by so much faster... unless I'm sick of course. This place in my sanctuary, my safe haven.
I'm so glad it's Thursday. I think it's my favorite day of the week because it means that I only have one more day until the week is over.
It seems I've picked up a nasty cold. And the only reason I'm sick is because almost everyday this week the girls have had to stand outside the dorm and wait in the freaking cold after trade. Monday we stood outside the dorm for 25 minutes. Then the next day we stood outside for 10 minutes and later that same day I stood outside Recreation for 1 HOUR waiting for someone to let me in so I could open the store with my co-worker Ryan Pierson (from Port Angeles ironically, but that's another story). Now after all this standing outside I'm sicker than a dog.
Tomorrow they are holding a graduation for a handful of students who are complete in their trade, education, and licensing. These students are given caps and gowns and are given the privilege of speaking to their fellow peers about their success stories, and they are allowed to walk down the isle like they would be in they were in highschool. No one I know is graduating, so I'm not too bummed that I have to skip it for a doctor's appointment instead.
Good thing I have the store because it makes the days go by so much faster... unless I'm sick of course. This place in my sanctuary, my safe haven.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Been Awhile, Been a Lot - An Introduction to Daniel
Day 188----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been way more busy than usual lately. Between student politics, social crisis, and accelerated events, I've barely had enough time to sleep, much less blog. Time for a million updates... where to begin?
I had CDP (Career Development Period) meeting last Monday. I get together with my instructor, a dorm manager, a counselor, and the career development counselor on the first Monday of every month. At this meeting we discuss my improvements, achievements, and goals for the next month. Well, as it turns out, everyone is very impressed with my success here at Fort Simcoe. The career development counselor, Linda Lee, has suggested that I go to college. Job Corps has a program where I can go to college for two years and get an Associates Degree of my choice. I'm very excited about it and she hopes to have me placed in a college by this summer so I can start the semester in fall. I'm hoping for a degree in Wildlife Survival. On another note, my head instructor, Scott Ferguson, says he's very impressed and hopes to see me (and Sterling (my 'trade twin')) in the position of foreman someday.
As it turns out, I didn't get any position in the SGA once again. Not really bummed, to be honest. I have a lot on my plate as it is...
There's been a lot of chaos in the dorm lately, and I'm getting tired of it. I've taken it upon myself to try and be a leader figure within the dorm, without being a leader. It seems that some of the girls like to have me as a spokesman for them. I have very good interpersonal skills and with a level head, I can see things from the outside in and visa verse.
The head honchos from Bureau of Forestry are here to investigate the conditions of the center. From what I hear, they are not impressed. The way staff are running things is sloppy. They can't find papers, nothing is on record, and they play favorites with students. They don't enforce current rules, but rather enforce rules that don't even exist. Also, the center is not run to the standards of all the other Job Corps. Things are going to be changing around here, and soon.
Things in my personal life have been all but stable. Jamie and I have been trying to work things out, but to no avail. One of us always ends up hurt. Maybe its the Aries - Virgo incompatibility. Remember how I said I would do things my way this time? Well apparently he doesn't like my way. I started hanging out with my guy friends and living and being truly happy for the first time in a long time because I wasn't worried about how he felt. I was comfortable enough in my relationship that I thought that since we both knew how we felt about each other, that would be enough to get past the rumors and the other crap. I swear, people around here talk just to see how much damage they can do.
Anyway, he ended up feeling all territorial and threatened when I hung out with my friends. I'm allowed to have man friends, and I shouldn't have to put a value or limit on friendship just because they happen to be of the opposite sex. I finally broke it off for good and he's wanting to get back together. He says he wishes he'd done things differently and things are going to change. I'm sorry, but people don't change, they simply grow into stronger into their own being. I've seen it in my dad. He's a lot wiser now than 10 years ago, but inside he's still the same person, just aged. And Jamie and I both need to age... in our own way. Apart.
However... there is sort of a root to all this evil. Since winter break I've formed an undying and loyal friendship with a young man named Daniel. We were talking right before break because we are both huge husky fans, and I ended up texting him in the middle of break, asking him what channel the Winter Bowl was on and it all started from there. The more we talked the more we had in common. Now he sits with me at the store every night that I work and every morning for breakfast during the week we meet at the same time, sit at the same table, with with the same people. And I'll tell you what, it feels so great to have a guy friend that I can laugh with and spend time with and be comfortable, without worrying about all the crap that comes with a relationship. We've already laid down the ground rules and, no matter what happens, we'll always be friends. Just friends. What a relief.
Towards the end Jamie pretty much gave me an ultimatum, 'Daniel or me', and I am not about to give up a friendship like that for a relationship where I've already given so much. It hurts that it had to come to this... but I'd rather not marry a man like my father.
I've been way more busy than usual lately. Between student politics, social crisis, and accelerated events, I've barely had enough time to sleep, much less blog. Time for a million updates... where to begin?
I had CDP (Career Development Period) meeting last Monday. I get together with my instructor, a dorm manager, a counselor, and the career development counselor on the first Monday of every month. At this meeting we discuss my improvements, achievements, and goals for the next month. Well, as it turns out, everyone is very impressed with my success here at Fort Simcoe. The career development counselor, Linda Lee, has suggested that I go to college. Job Corps has a program where I can go to college for two years and get an Associates Degree of my choice. I'm very excited about it and she hopes to have me placed in a college by this summer so I can start the semester in fall. I'm hoping for a degree in Wildlife Survival. On another note, my head instructor, Scott Ferguson, says he's very impressed and hopes to see me (and Sterling (my 'trade twin')) in the position of foreman someday.
As it turns out, I didn't get any position in the SGA once again. Not really bummed, to be honest. I have a lot on my plate as it is...
There's been a lot of chaos in the dorm lately, and I'm getting tired of it. I've taken it upon myself to try and be a leader figure within the dorm, without being a leader. It seems that some of the girls like to have me as a spokesman for them. I have very good interpersonal skills and with a level head, I can see things from the outside in and visa verse.
The head honchos from Bureau of Forestry are here to investigate the conditions of the center. From what I hear, they are not impressed. The way staff are running things is sloppy. They can't find papers, nothing is on record, and they play favorites with students. They don't enforce current rules, but rather enforce rules that don't even exist. Also, the center is not run to the standards of all the other Job Corps. Things are going to be changing around here, and soon.
Things in my personal life have been all but stable. Jamie and I have been trying to work things out, but to no avail. One of us always ends up hurt. Maybe its the Aries - Virgo incompatibility. Remember how I said I would do things my way this time? Well apparently he doesn't like my way. I started hanging out with my guy friends and living and being truly happy for the first time in a long time because I wasn't worried about how he felt. I was comfortable enough in my relationship that I thought that since we both knew how we felt about each other, that would be enough to get past the rumors and the other crap. I swear, people around here talk just to see how much damage they can do.
Anyway, he ended up feeling all territorial and threatened when I hung out with my friends. I'm allowed to have man friends, and I shouldn't have to put a value or limit on friendship just because they happen to be of the opposite sex. I finally broke it off for good and he's wanting to get back together. He says he wishes he'd done things differently and things are going to change. I'm sorry, but people don't change, they simply grow into stronger into their own being. I've seen it in my dad. He's a lot wiser now than 10 years ago, but inside he's still the same person, just aged. And Jamie and I both need to age... in our own way. Apart.
However... there is sort of a root to all this evil. Since winter break I've formed an undying and loyal friendship with a young man named Daniel. We were talking right before break because we are both huge husky fans, and I ended up texting him in the middle of break, asking him what channel the Winter Bowl was on and it all started from there. The more we talked the more we had in common. Now he sits with me at the store every night that I work and every morning for breakfast during the week we meet at the same time, sit at the same table, with with the same people. And I'll tell you what, it feels so great to have a guy friend that I can laugh with and spend time with and be comfortable, without worrying about all the crap that comes with a relationship. We've already laid down the ground rules and, no matter what happens, we'll always be friends. Just friends. What a relief.
Towards the end Jamie pretty much gave me an ultimatum, 'Daniel or me', and I am not about to give up a friendship like that for a relationship where I've already given so much. It hurts that it had to come to this... but I'd rather not marry a man like my father.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Time
Day 177, 34th Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ugh, finally, I have time to sit down and actually write a little bit. I forgot to update you on the Day Pass situation. They (the residential living advisers, I believe) have switched Day Pass back to the old rules. We leave at 1100, right after account, and we drive into Yakima. Then, we all unload and we're free until 1530. However, if you are over the age of 18, you can stay in town, you just have to have a ride back to center. Still not equal rights, but at least I can go into town again; I'm letting it go for now.
I had a really great day today. It drug on forEVER but it was still a good day. I was able to work one on one with my head instructor, Scott, and I was assigned several of my own tasks. I was afraid I'd mess up but it was nice not having to work with anyone, to have to share anything. That must be the only child in me speaking out!
I've quite suddenly become appreciative of everything I have. I kept saying that everyone here took things for granted but I've realized that I have been doing exactly the same. I'm no better than anyone else around here, as much as I like to think so sometimes...
I'm a lot happier than I have been in a long time. It's like this cloud has finally lifted and I finally understand what it is I really want and I love the fact that I'm alive today. It's been almost a year since my close friend, Tyler Braithwaite, passed away. It must be that, and a whole number of other occurrences that have brought me to this astounding outlook on life. The only one holding myself back this whole time was me, and it feels damn good to let go.
Ugh, finally, I have time to sit down and actually write a little bit. I forgot to update you on the Day Pass situation. They (the residential living advisers, I believe) have switched Day Pass back to the old rules. We leave at 1100, right after account, and we drive into Yakima. Then, we all unload and we're free until 1530. However, if you are over the age of 18, you can stay in town, you just have to have a ride back to center. Still not equal rights, but at least I can go into town again; I'm letting it go for now.
I had a really great day today. It drug on forEVER but it was still a good day. I was able to work one on one with my head instructor, Scott, and I was assigned several of my own tasks. I was afraid I'd mess up but it was nice not having to work with anyone, to have to share anything. That must be the only child in me speaking out!
I've quite suddenly become appreciative of everything I have. I kept saying that everyone here took things for granted but I've realized that I have been doing exactly the same. I'm no better than anyone else around here, as much as I like to think so sometimes...
I'm a lot happier than I have been in a long time. It's like this cloud has finally lifted and I finally understand what it is I really want and I love the fact that I'm alive today. It's been almost a year since my close friend, Tyler Braithwaite, passed away. It must be that, and a whole number of other occurrences that have brought me to this astounding outlook on life. The only one holding myself back this whole time was me, and it feels damn good to let go.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Driver's Ed - Store Updates
Day 176, 33rd Vocational Day--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I had my final day of driver's Ed today. After 17 lessons, I have my certificate and now all I have to do is hurry up and wait for my 6 months to be up and I can get my license.
I re-organized all the files in the store and I finally have almost everything in their right places. I moved a microwave in here so I don't have to leave the store to cook my food, and I got internet hooked up in the store. Now I should have more time to blog! Yay!
Also, I have hooked up my mobile to my blog and hopefully I'll get some pictures of Job Corps put up so you guys can get a visual.
P.S.
Sorry if my blog is a little choppy. Distracted from costumers and conversations.
So I had my final day of driver's Ed today. After 17 lessons, I have my certificate and now all I have to do is hurry up and wait for my 6 months to be up and I can get my license.
I re-organized all the files in the store and I finally have almost everything in their right places. I moved a microwave in here so I don't have to leave the store to cook my food, and I got internet hooked up in the store. Now I should have more time to blog! Yay!
Also, I have hooked up my mobile to my blog and hopefully I'll get some pictures of Job Corps put up so you guys can get a visual.
P.S.
Sorry if my blog is a little choppy. Distracted from costumers and conversations.
Friday, February 25, 2011
The Ways of the World Wide Web
Day 172, 31st Vocational Trade Day-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So turns out that quite a few students have found my blog online. I suppose it was only a matter of time. I honestly didn't think that any students would take the time to deal with someone else's crap, but that just goes to show how utterly BORING this place is. But if anyone would like details on how things are going feel free to email me.
I've been swamped with the store and full time trade and everything. I've done some finishing touches on the store's reorganization. Only a few more old papers to get rid of and it'll be all clean. :-) I also moved the microwave in here, which hadn't been clean in months and is now spotless, and we installed internet, FINALLY. I feel I've done a lot of good round here.
I'm hoping for that spot in the SGA. There are a lot of things that this place is screwing us on, and I want to change that. There needs to be equal rights among students, and I don't mean just age; sexes need to be treated equally also.
We have a new Center Director. He's just a temp but he seems to mean business. He realizes that the people who run this center either have no idea what the hell they're doing, or they just don't care. I've been here almost 6 months now, and I've never seen an Auto student graduate because the Vocational Safety Manager, Vic Gardee has been holding them back. Now, I have several friends from that trade that are finally allowed to move on with all the benefits and completion money because of the new Center Director. I'm sorry that this guy isn't staying because I know that all the good he does here will all but exist when he leaves. We'll all be back to being strung along by the puppeteers that run this place.
So turns out that quite a few students have found my blog online. I suppose it was only a matter of time. I honestly didn't think that any students would take the time to deal with someone else's crap, but that just goes to show how utterly BORING this place is. But if anyone would like details on how things are going feel free to email me.
I've been swamped with the store and full time trade and everything. I've done some finishing touches on the store's reorganization. Only a few more old papers to get rid of and it'll be all clean. :-) I also moved the microwave in here, which hadn't been clean in months and is now spotless, and we installed internet, FINALLY. I feel I've done a lot of good round here.
I'm hoping for that spot in the SGA. There are a lot of things that this place is screwing us on, and I want to change that. There needs to be equal rights among students, and I don't mean just age; sexes need to be treated equally also.
We have a new Center Director. He's just a temp but he seems to mean business. He realizes that the people who run this center either have no idea what the hell they're doing, or they just don't care. I've been here almost 6 months now, and I've never seen an Auto student graduate because the Vocational Safety Manager, Vic Gardee has been holding them back. Now, I have several friends from that trade that are finally allowed to move on with all the benefits and completion money because of the new Center Director. I'm sorry that this guy isn't staying because I know that all the good he does here will all but exist when he leaves. We'll all be back to being strung along by the puppeteers that run this place.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Age, a Crisis Yet Again
Day 165, 27th Vocational Trade Day-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*I didn't get Gold Card because my reviews were not quite high enough - only four points away.*
So I had all these plans set up this weekend and I have a lot of money saved. I was going to go to verizon to change phones because mine isn't doing it's job anymore. Mom just sent me this REALLY nice one too. I owe her big time.
I was also going to do some shopping for Alexis' bridal shower (my cousin), and I'm NOT going to get her a cheap ass gift from Walmart.
I was going to download some books onto my Kindle, grab a nice lunch, do some shopping for new headphones, a rug for my room, and art supplies.
Well, they just recently changed the hours on Day Pass. Now it's from 8:00 to 20:00. And because it's a 12 hr day pass, I am not allowed to go because I am not 18 years old.
What the hell is this crap?? I didn't change the time schedule, and now, because I'm 16, I'm not responsible enough to go out on the town for 12 hours alone! If they're going to pull that, then why isn't it like, "Well you're 21, so you can't be trusted to be off center unsupervised because it is very possible that you will consume alcoholic beverages and come back intoxicated".
Just because I am not considered an 'adult' doesn't mean I'm irresponsible, and just because other students are above the age of 18, doesn't make them any more responsible than I am! How many times do I have to prove myself to these guys?
*I didn't get Gold Card because my reviews were not quite high enough - only four points away.*
So I had all these plans set up this weekend and I have a lot of money saved. I was going to go to verizon to change phones because mine isn't doing it's job anymore. Mom just sent me this REALLY nice one too. I owe her big time.
I was also going to do some shopping for Alexis' bridal shower (my cousin), and I'm NOT going to get her a cheap ass gift from Walmart.
I was going to download some books onto my Kindle, grab a nice lunch, do some shopping for new headphones, a rug for my room, and art supplies.
Well, they just recently changed the hours on Day Pass. Now it's from 8:00 to 20:00. And because it's a 12 hr day pass, I am not allowed to go because I am not 18 years old.
What the hell is this crap?? I didn't change the time schedule, and now, because I'm 16, I'm not responsible enough to go out on the town for 12 hours alone! If they're going to pull that, then why isn't it like, "Well you're 21, so you can't be trusted to be off center unsupervised because it is very possible that you will consume alcoholic beverages and come back intoxicated".
Just because I am not considered an 'adult' doesn't mean I'm irresponsible, and just because other students are above the age of 18, doesn't make them any more responsible than I am! How many times do I have to prove myself to these guys?
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Sun is Shining, but We're Not out of Cold Weather Yet, Houston.
Day 164, 26th Vocational Trade Day-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I noticed today while I was warming my face in the sunshine that no matter how promising that sun was, the wind was bitter cold. It made me think of an metaphor for the recent events that are positive, yet still curious to see how the tables will turn.
I got accepted full-time into trade. Scott pulled me aside the other day and said he didn't want me wasting any more time in Maintenance. I'm a little sad because Maintenance was starting to wear on me and the staff, Mark, is a really awesome guy. But it's time to move on to bigger and better things.
I'm running for SGA Vice President again. Dustin at Recreation (have I mentioned him?) is really pushing me this round. He says that they need someone like me (levelheaded, able to look at the big picture, takes initiative) to be a part of SGA, and I think that I could really benefit the center and I'm excited to see if I'll be elected. If not then no harm, no foul. I just know that I'm ready for the responsibility this time.
So Jamie and I are working things out... and I already know what you're going to say, so don't. This time we're doing things my way. I'm going to try to stay away from obsession and focus on my things first. My life comes first. And as frustrated as he may be with that, that's how it has to be. And if he really wants this to work, then he'll get over it. - And about the other girl - I went back and did some research and he swears it was an accident (although I don't know how you accidentally send stuff like that (except her and I are practically right next to each other in the contact list on his phone)). I guess he didn't really say those things that I thought. I just saw what I wanted to see. I kept wondering when the other shoe would fall and then when it kind of did, my brain made it look like it happened... Anyway what I mean to say is that he said something along the lines of you shouldn't be self conscious of your body because... blah blah blah. Doesn't make it right that he was talking to her in the first place, this girl has a reputation. So my trust is on the rocky side but we'll just have to see what happens.
As it seems, there may be hope for me yet... but let's not count chickens before they hatch.
P.S.
I intended for this blog to be about what it's like here at Forst Simcoe, but it's turned more into a melodrama. I'm going to try to get back on track on updates about life here on center and the goings on. With my priorities straight, I should be able to if this back on track. And if this SGA thing happens, it'll be even easier.
I noticed today while I was warming my face in the sunshine that no matter how promising that sun was, the wind was bitter cold. It made me think of an metaphor for the recent events that are positive, yet still curious to see how the tables will turn.
I got accepted full-time into trade. Scott pulled me aside the other day and said he didn't want me wasting any more time in Maintenance. I'm a little sad because Maintenance was starting to wear on me and the staff, Mark, is a really awesome guy. But it's time to move on to bigger and better things.
I'm running for SGA Vice President again. Dustin at Recreation (have I mentioned him?) is really pushing me this round. He says that they need someone like me (levelheaded, able to look at the big picture, takes initiative) to be a part of SGA, and I think that I could really benefit the center and I'm excited to see if I'll be elected. If not then no harm, no foul. I just know that I'm ready for the responsibility this time.
So Jamie and I are working things out... and I already know what you're going to say, so don't. This time we're doing things my way. I'm going to try to stay away from obsession and focus on my things first. My life comes first. And as frustrated as he may be with that, that's how it has to be. And if he really wants this to work, then he'll get over it. - And about the other girl - I went back and did some research and he swears it was an accident (although I don't know how you accidentally send stuff like that (except her and I are practically right next to each other in the contact list on his phone)). I guess he didn't really say those things that I thought. I just saw what I wanted to see. I kept wondering when the other shoe would fall and then when it kind of did, my brain made it look like it happened... Anyway what I mean to say is that he said something along the lines of you shouldn't be self conscious of your body because... blah blah blah. Doesn't make it right that he was talking to her in the first place, this girl has a reputation. So my trust is on the rocky side but we'll just have to see what happens.
As it seems, there may be hope for me yet... but let's not count chickens before they hatch.
P.S.
I intended for this blog to be about what it's like here at Forst Simcoe, but it's turned more into a melodrama. I'm going to try to get back on track on updates about life here on center and the goings on. With my priorities straight, I should be able to if this back on track. And if this SGA thing happens, it'll be even easier.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The End
Day 157--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Jamie and I are finally over. I found pictures of him with his shirt off on another girl's phone - the SAME ones he sent me. He then proceeded to tell her how he loved her breasts and how they would feel good on his abs. Thing is, he has all of us fooled. Even Kevin.
I packed up everything I had of him. The love notes he wrote me, the poems I wrote him, his sweatshirt, hat, and dog tag. The tag that I never took off to show the world that I belonged to one person... and I gave it all back.
The past three months of my life... wasted. All the time, money, and energy I put into this, into us, was for what? -Nothing.
I'm so angry. He didn't just cheat me of my pride and my dignity, he took away a huge part of my life. And I let it happen.
I'm more mad at myself then anything. The only one I have to blame is me. And I keep asking myself, did he really feel anything? All the 'I love you's? All the pain of his past... was I the only one he told? He made me feel special, did he mean it?
He told me just the other night that he used to be a player in high school, they used to call him Jamie Turn-Her because he could turn on any girl... I told him that I never wanted to see that side... well I got my wish and he did a pretty damn good job of hiding it.
He wasn't even man enough to come outside and take his stuff in person. He's not man enough to give me an explanation. An apology. Something!
I want to text him. I want to call him and I want to see him and I want to tell him what a piece of shit he is for putting me through everything, for treating me like trash, for letting me think I was the one who needed to change. But I know it won't solve anything. I know it won't make this better. I have to let it go. I have to pick myself up off the ground with whatever self-esteem I have left and move on, be the bigger person. And it sucks.
I just want to know why.
Why me? Why this? Why did he have to lie and fool me into loving him? Why did he let me trust him with my heart? Was this all a game? What did he really want? Did he even care at any point in our relationship about me? Why did he bring me home? Why did he introduce me into his life, to his mom, and his sister? Why did I buy him a 70 dollar sweatshit and a 50 dollar bus ticket to see him Christmas break. WHY?!
I can tell you one thing, I'm not going to cry for him. If I cry tonight I'll be crying for myself. How stupid I was. How naive. I really should listen to my own advice more often.
I really don't know what else to say. This was a good lesson to be learned. For some reason the only person I can really think of right now is Grandpa. He's the only person I've been thinking about all night. I wish he was here, he always knows what to do.
The funny thing is, I don't really feel the need to go home, to run away. Now I can go on with my life with absolutely nothing and no one to hold me back.
My new favorite comfort words, ironically, are 'nothing' and 'alone'. It feels good to be free.
So Jamie and I are finally over. I found pictures of him with his shirt off on another girl's phone - the SAME ones he sent me. He then proceeded to tell her how he loved her breasts and how they would feel good on his abs. Thing is, he has all of us fooled. Even Kevin.
I packed up everything I had of him. The love notes he wrote me, the poems I wrote him, his sweatshirt, hat, and dog tag. The tag that I never took off to show the world that I belonged to one person... and I gave it all back.
The past three months of my life... wasted. All the time, money, and energy I put into this, into us, was for what? -Nothing.
I'm so angry. He didn't just cheat me of my pride and my dignity, he took away a huge part of my life. And I let it happen.
I'm more mad at myself then anything. The only one I have to blame is me. And I keep asking myself, did he really feel anything? All the 'I love you's? All the pain of his past... was I the only one he told? He made me feel special, did he mean it?
He told me just the other night that he used to be a player in high school, they used to call him Jamie Turn-Her because he could turn on any girl... I told him that I never wanted to see that side... well I got my wish and he did a pretty damn good job of hiding it.
He wasn't even man enough to come outside and take his stuff in person. He's not man enough to give me an explanation. An apology. Something!
I want to text him. I want to call him and I want to see him and I want to tell him what a piece of shit he is for putting me through everything, for treating me like trash, for letting me think I was the one who needed to change. But I know it won't solve anything. I know it won't make this better. I have to let it go. I have to pick myself up off the ground with whatever self-esteem I have left and move on, be the bigger person. And it sucks.
I just want to know why.
Why me? Why this? Why did he have to lie and fool me into loving him? Why did he let me trust him with my heart? Was this all a game? What did he really want? Did he even care at any point in our relationship about me? Why did he bring me home? Why did he introduce me into his life, to his mom, and his sister? Why did I buy him a 70 dollar sweatshit and a 50 dollar bus ticket to see him Christmas break. WHY?!
I can tell you one thing, I'm not going to cry for him. If I cry tonight I'll be crying for myself. How stupid I was. How naive. I really should listen to my own advice more often.
I really don't know what else to say. This was a good lesson to be learned. For some reason the only person I can really think of right now is Grandpa. He's the only person I've been thinking about all night. I wish he was here, he always knows what to do.
The funny thing is, I don't really feel the need to go home, to run away. Now I can go on with my life with absolutely nothing and no one to hold me back.
My new favorite comfort words, ironically, are 'nothing' and 'alone'. It feels good to be free.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Lessons Learned
Day 156----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, I didn't get the full time spot in trade. I'm kind of grateful because I don't think that I am ready. I like being able to relax and study at my own pace in Maintenance. (That's where they put students who have finished all of the required education courses and are waiting for a fulltime spot to open up.) I also didn't get my Gold color card because all the counselors, except one, are not going to be here for at least a week. So one counselor is trying to take care of 2 or 3 trades; that's about 75 kids, at least. I really hate how disorganized this place is.
I think it is time to introduce another character to the scheme of my life. Kayla Sorenson is another girl who has greatly influenced my life here at Job Corps. She's in business with Karlee and they've been friends since Karlee first got here. Sometimes her, Karlee, and I can be kind of a trio, one never being without the other. Kayla is a very pretty red-head with a great smile, catchy personality, level head, and a good attention span for listening. I think she may have a few trust issues though and is a little flighty when it comes to her personal relationships. I might not always understand her ways, but I accept them none the less.
Anyway, the whole reason I am bringing this person forward is because of an incident that happened here the other day. Long story short, I confided in Kayla about something about Kevin (that had NOTHING to do with Karlee and Kevin's relationship, by the way) that Jamie had told me. Jamie had told me specifically not to tell anyone, but you know me and my big mouth. I didn't even mean to tell her, it just slipped out. She swore she wouldn't tell Karlee. Alas, sometimes we give people more credit than we should.
Kayla told Karlee about what Jamie had told me, and Karlee of course went to Kevin. When Karlee came to me angry that I hadn't told her and had asked Kayla not to tell her (which I should have known better), my heart immediately sank into my stomach. I knew that if I didn't get to Jamie, before Kevin, and tell him of my terrible mistake, it might end my relationship for good. I kept thinking, 'Oh no, he'll never trust me with anything ever again. This is it, I've finally done it'.
So I rushed outside, begged a few guys to go get Jamie from inside the dorm, waited (more like paced), and probably popped a few blood vessels because I was so worried.
When he finally came outside I'd driven myself almost to tears and hysteria. I spilled my guts out and all he has to say was, "Kevin's my baymate, he already told me".
Well, shit.
This time my heart dropped to my toes. I kind of kicked a rock and did sort of a pirouette. Don't know what that was about, but people do silly things in times of crisis. And just when I thought the sky was about to fall and the world as I knew it was about to come to an end, Jamie grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "Eli, it's okay. Let's just take this and learn a lesson from it". - Whew. World is not over, once again.
After I was fully reassured, I went back into my room, calm, yet smoldering at what Kayla had done. Karlee scolded me saying that Kayla had done the right thing telling her about what Jamie had told me. She said that Kayla told her everything, no matter what. Angrily I said, "Well, if she's such a good friend, maybe you should ask her about what else she hasn't told you".
Whoops.
That opened a whole new can of worms. Turns out that Kayla and Kevin had a thing before Karlee was even in the picture, and she had no idea. As a result, Kevin and Karlee fought for a day or two, Kevin hates me, and Kayla and I are no longer friends.
Oh, well. Lessons learned, I suppose.
So after all the after-math craziness with Karlee, Kevin, Kayla, and Jamie, I have officially decided I never want anything to do with anyone else's business besides my own. I'm going to keep my big mouth shut, and all of my private affairs private! I never really have been a "close friend" kind of person. I've had friends and buddies, and then one companion. That companion has always been my mom. Laugh, talk, share everything together. Now that person is Jamie. I'm sorry that it took so long to come to the realization that I don't need or want a whole bunch of people in my life, and that that is okay.
As it turns out, I was so busy evaluating what everyone else's two cents, and what was going on in everyone else's life, that I didn't realize what I really needed was my own self evalution! Maybe if I had figured that out a long time ago, I wouldn't have put myself through so much heart ache. I think that really it was all in my head, and I let everyone else put it there.
In a way, I'm really glad all this happened. I feel a million times lighter and kind of like it's a little smoother sailing from here on out. I'm very happy with my revelation.
So, I didn't get the full time spot in trade. I'm kind of grateful because I don't think that I am ready. I like being able to relax and study at my own pace in Maintenance. (That's where they put students who have finished all of the required education courses and are waiting for a fulltime spot to open up.) I also didn't get my Gold color card because all the counselors, except one, are not going to be here for at least a week. So one counselor is trying to take care of 2 or 3 trades; that's about 75 kids, at least. I really hate how disorganized this place is.
I think it is time to introduce another character to the scheme of my life. Kayla Sorenson is another girl who has greatly influenced my life here at Job Corps. She's in business with Karlee and they've been friends since Karlee first got here. Sometimes her, Karlee, and I can be kind of a trio, one never being without the other. Kayla is a very pretty red-head with a great smile, catchy personality, level head, and a good attention span for listening. I think she may have a few trust issues though and is a little flighty when it comes to her personal relationships. I might not always understand her ways, but I accept them none the less.
Anyway, the whole reason I am bringing this person forward is because of an incident that happened here the other day. Long story short, I confided in Kayla about something about Kevin (that had NOTHING to do with Karlee and Kevin's relationship, by the way) that Jamie had told me. Jamie had told me specifically not to tell anyone, but you know me and my big mouth. I didn't even mean to tell her, it just slipped out. She swore she wouldn't tell Karlee. Alas, sometimes we give people more credit than we should.
Kayla told Karlee about what Jamie had told me, and Karlee of course went to Kevin. When Karlee came to me angry that I hadn't told her and had asked Kayla not to tell her (which I should have known better), my heart immediately sank into my stomach. I knew that if I didn't get to Jamie, before Kevin, and tell him of my terrible mistake, it might end my relationship for good. I kept thinking, 'Oh no, he'll never trust me with anything ever again. This is it, I've finally done it'.
So I rushed outside, begged a few guys to go get Jamie from inside the dorm, waited (more like paced), and probably popped a few blood vessels because I was so worried.
When he finally came outside I'd driven myself almost to tears and hysteria. I spilled my guts out and all he has to say was, "Kevin's my baymate, he already told me".
Well, shit.
This time my heart dropped to my toes. I kind of kicked a rock and did sort of a pirouette. Don't know what that was about, but people do silly things in times of crisis. And just when I thought the sky was about to fall and the world as I knew it was about to come to an end, Jamie grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "Eli, it's okay. Let's just take this and learn a lesson from it". - Whew. World is not over, once again.
After I was fully reassured, I went back into my room, calm, yet smoldering at what Kayla had done. Karlee scolded me saying that Kayla had done the right thing telling her about what Jamie had told me. She said that Kayla told her everything, no matter what. Angrily I said, "Well, if she's such a good friend, maybe you should ask her about what else she hasn't told you".
Whoops.
That opened a whole new can of worms. Turns out that Kayla and Kevin had a thing before Karlee was even in the picture, and she had no idea. As a result, Kevin and Karlee fought for a day or two, Kevin hates me, and Kayla and I are no longer friends.
Oh, well. Lessons learned, I suppose.
So after all the after-math craziness with Karlee, Kevin, Kayla, and Jamie, I have officially decided I never want anything to do with anyone else's business besides my own. I'm going to keep my big mouth shut, and all of my private affairs private! I never really have been a "close friend" kind of person. I've had friends and buddies, and then one companion. That companion has always been my mom. Laugh, talk, share everything together. Now that person is Jamie. I'm sorry that it took so long to come to the realization that I don't need or want a whole bunch of people in my life, and that that is okay.
As it turns out, I was so busy evaluating what everyone else's two cents, and what was going on in everyone else's life, that I didn't realize what I really needed was my own self evalution! Maybe if I had figured that out a long time ago, I wouldn't have put myself through so much heart ache. I think that really it was all in my head, and I let everyone else put it there.
In a way, I'm really glad all this happened. I feel a million times lighter and kind of like it's a little smoother sailing from here on out. I'm very happy with my revelation.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Poor Steelers
Day 153--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The PBR was freaking awesome! I love rough stock events.
Watched the super bowl today. I didn't really care for either team so I thought I'd root for the underdog. Alas, the the Pittsburg Steelers didn't win. John, however, likes the Green Bay Packers so he'll be in a good mood for Mom.
Jamie and I talked. Again. So we're good. Hopefully it sticks?
Tomorrow I might be on Gold Card which is the highest ranking a student can get. Also might be full-time trade. We shall see.
I'm sad the weekend is over. They never last long enough.
The PBR was freaking awesome! I love rough stock events.
Watched the super bowl today. I didn't really care for either team so I thought I'd root for the underdog. Alas, the the Pittsburg Steelers didn't win. John, however, likes the Green Bay Packers so he'll be in a good mood for Mom.
Jamie and I talked. Again. So we're good. Hopefully it sticks?
Tomorrow I might be on Gold Card which is the highest ranking a student can get. Also might be full-time trade. We shall see.
I'm sad the weekend is over. They never last long enough.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Winner at a Losing Game
Day 152----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm going to PBR (Professional Bull Riding) event this evening. I've been looking forward to it. Maybe it'll distract me for a little while. I won't feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust.
So last night Jamie told me that everything I say sounds like something Karlee would say to Kevin. He can't believe anything I say because he thinks Karlee is the one trying to get me to say it. I told him that I couldn't imagine waking up, going to work, and seeing him everyday, knowing that I missed out on probably one of the most important men that has ever come into my life - and he doesn't believe a word.
How can I compete? I'll dress up and put make up on and he'll think I did it because Karlee convinced me to. I can shower him with praises and kindness and patience and he'll think it's all coming from her. I can kiss him and love him and tell him how much he means to me and he won't understand that I've meant every ounce of affection.
I can't change Jamie's mind. He has to do it himself. But how am I supposed to save us if everything I'm doing is what's destroying it?
I'm losing, aren't I?
I'm going to PBR (Professional Bull Riding) event this evening. I've been looking forward to it. Maybe it'll distract me for a little while. I won't feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust.
So last night Jamie told me that everything I say sounds like something Karlee would say to Kevin. He can't believe anything I say because he thinks Karlee is the one trying to get me to say it. I told him that I couldn't imagine waking up, going to work, and seeing him everyday, knowing that I missed out on probably one of the most important men that has ever come into my life - and he doesn't believe a word.
How can I compete? I'll dress up and put make up on and he'll think I did it because Karlee convinced me to. I can shower him with praises and kindness and patience and he'll think it's all coming from her. I can kiss him and love him and tell him how much he means to me and he won't understand that I've meant every ounce of affection.
I can't change Jamie's mind. He has to do it himself. But how am I supposed to save us if everything I'm doing is what's destroying it?
I'm losing, aren't I?
Friday, February 4, 2011
Decisions
Day 151, 22nd Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, everyone. I think that I'll just stop apologizing for not writing as often as I should - otherwise I'll end up saying it a whole lot more than I'd care to. I have a hard time writing about things when I'm stressed out; I can't get my thoughts organized, and I'm always stressed here.
Karlee is okay. They don't know whats wrong but I think it was just stress because she was away from Kevin. He got back yesterday.
It's between Sterling and I on who next the next full-time position in trade. We both got in at the same time, we've both worked hard, and the instructors can only take one. We've yet to hear who they pick. I think it'll be Sterling- and if it is, I'm not worried about it. He deserves it.
I have a lot on my hands right now. I just got a permanent job at the student store where they sell snacks, drinks, and hygiene products, and I'll be making $40 extra dollars a month. I didn't do it for the money though...
When Jamie wasn't really talking to me and he was doing his own thing, Shaun Marceau, the head staff of Rec, came to me and asked if I wanted to try out for the job at the store. I'm pretty sure I'm one of his favorite students, and he had only asked because he knew I needed a distraction, so I told him I'd think about it. Then all of a sudden, Jamie did his turn around, and as much as I wanted to spend time with him, I didn't want to say no to Shaun since he'd made space especially for me and I'd already quit on him as Rec President (partly because I wanted more time with Jamie).
When I told Jamie about my predicament he made me feel really bad about taking the job. He was all offended and was like, "That's going to take up all of the time we usually spend together". I couldn't believe him! He had hardly spoken to me in weeks! We didn't have a time we usually spent together because we usually weren't together. I didn't think it was fair that he jumped all over my case because I decided I wanted to do something for me because I wasn't getting anywhere with him. And I told him exactly that. Then he told me that I should do whatever I felt was right for me - but it was the way he said it. (I partly took it for him - the store is separated from the rest of Rec by a metal
Anyway after a lot of stressing and few fitful nights, I decided that I really wanted to try out the job, that I deserved it, and I shouldn't let my relationship get in the way of what I really want to do. It shouldn't be that way anyway, it should coincide with it. I'd let my feelings for Jamie take over so much of my life that I couldn't remember what I wanted. Jamie wasn't very happy, mind you. I mean he didn't say anything directly, but I could tell.
So after a lot of quick learning and brain smarts, I ended up getting the job. I worked extra time, cleaned up the entire store, and reorganized and sorted files all the way back from '04! That's more than any of the other trainees did, and I'm pretty sure I would've gotten the job even if I hadn't done it, because I'm pretty charismatic; the Rec staff and students in charge of the store like me a lot. But, I decided if I was going to get the job, I wanted it to at least look fair - that I got chosen because I worked harder, not because I was pretty, a female, and easy to work with.
I really like the job. I'm really good at it and they need a woman's touch in there - badly. I make the store more tips than it's ever made, and I don't even have to work for them. I love the attention and it's a huge ego boost, which I've really been needing lately.
As for Jamie and I, we've been spending less and less time together. I feel like we're so artificial now. I keep trying to tell myself it's nothing, that we're okay, but we're not. I'm not. He's mad at me - again- and it's not fair. I didn't even mean to do anything and I apologized. I've done everything to make it better! I have so much bottled up inside and I want to just scream and cry becuase I've written pages and pages of poetry and simple thoughts, but none of it is good enough to explain how I feel.
I'm so frustrated. I'm so angry. I'm sad and lonely and full of hatred. I'm so young and naive and pathetic. I'm so different from who I used to be. I'm angry about all the bad things that have happened in my life. I'm sad that my friend Tyler's 18th birthday just passed and he's not around to celebrate it. I'm upset that I'm so alone here, even though I'm in a relationship. I want my mom. I want my friends. I want to see my grandpa's land again - my most favorite place in the world. I've been here almost five months. I'm 1/4 of the way done and I can't even see how I'm going to get through tomorrrow.
I hate being in this limbo with Jamie. He won't really talk to me and he makes me feel like everything is my fault. He had to ask himself why he was with me. He asked me why I was with him if he hurt me so much and made me feel like a piece of crap so often. And I told him it was because I couldn't just walk away from everything. I couldn't try and tell myself I didn't love him anymore because I would be lying to myself. When I'm happy with him, I'm really happy. It's stupid crap like this that tears me apart. I can't just forget the way it feels when he kisses me or when we laugh together. I don't want to give up on us. I don't believe that he can say all those I love you's the way he did and throw them all away. How can a person do that? I don't think that I could have invested all this time and effort and heartache for nothing. I don't just give my heart to anyone...
If this is it... what the hell was the point?
Hello, everyone. I think that I'll just stop apologizing for not writing as often as I should - otherwise I'll end up saying it a whole lot more than I'd care to. I have a hard time writing about things when I'm stressed out; I can't get my thoughts organized, and I'm always stressed here.
Karlee is okay. They don't know whats wrong but I think it was just stress because she was away from Kevin. He got back yesterday.
It's between Sterling and I on who next the next full-time position in trade. We both got in at the same time, we've both worked hard, and the instructors can only take one. We've yet to hear who they pick. I think it'll be Sterling- and if it is, I'm not worried about it. He deserves it.
I have a lot on my hands right now. I just got a permanent job at the student store where they sell snacks, drinks, and hygiene products, and I'll be making $40 extra dollars a month. I didn't do it for the money though...
When Jamie wasn't really talking to me and he was doing his own thing, Shaun Marceau, the head staff of Rec, came to me and asked if I wanted to try out for the job at the store. I'm pretty sure I'm one of his favorite students, and he had only asked because he knew I needed a distraction, so I told him I'd think about it. Then all of a sudden, Jamie did his turn around, and as much as I wanted to spend time with him, I didn't want to say no to Shaun since he'd made space especially for me and I'd already quit on him as Rec President (partly because I wanted more time with Jamie).
When I told Jamie about my predicament he made me feel really bad about taking the job. He was all offended and was like, "That's going to take up all of the time we usually spend together". I couldn't believe him! He had hardly spoken to me in weeks! We didn't have a time we usually spent together because we usually weren't together. I didn't think it was fair that he jumped all over my case because I decided I wanted to do something for me because I wasn't getting anywhere with him. And I told him exactly that. Then he told me that I should do whatever I felt was right for me - but it was the way he said it. (I partly took it for him - the store is separated from the rest of Rec by a metal
Anyway after a lot of stressing and few fitful nights, I decided that I really wanted to try out the job, that I deserved it, and I shouldn't let my relationship get in the way of what I really want to do. It shouldn't be that way anyway, it should coincide with it. I'd let my feelings for Jamie take over so much of my life that I couldn't remember what I wanted. Jamie wasn't very happy, mind you. I mean he didn't say anything directly, but I could tell.
So after a lot of quick learning and brain smarts, I ended up getting the job. I worked extra time, cleaned up the entire store, and reorganized and sorted files all the way back from '04! That's more than any of the other trainees did, and I'm pretty sure I would've gotten the job even if I hadn't done it, because I'm pretty charismatic; the Rec staff and students in charge of the store like me a lot. But, I decided if I was going to get the job, I wanted it to at least look fair - that I got chosen because I worked harder, not because I was pretty, a female, and easy to work with.
I really like the job. I'm really good at it and they need a woman's touch in there - badly. I make the store more tips than it's ever made, and I don't even have to work for them. I love the attention and it's a huge ego boost, which I've really been needing lately.
As for Jamie and I, we've been spending less and less time together. I feel like we're so artificial now. I keep trying to tell myself it's nothing, that we're okay, but we're not. I'm not. He's mad at me - again- and it's not fair. I didn't even mean to do anything and I apologized. I've done everything to make it better! I have so much bottled up inside and I want to just scream and cry becuase I've written pages and pages of poetry and simple thoughts, but none of it is good enough to explain how I feel.
I'm so frustrated. I'm so angry. I'm sad and lonely and full of hatred. I'm so young and naive and pathetic. I'm so different from who I used to be. I'm angry about all the bad things that have happened in my life. I'm sad that my friend Tyler's 18th birthday just passed and he's not around to celebrate it. I'm upset that I'm so alone here, even though I'm in a relationship. I want my mom. I want my friends. I want to see my grandpa's land again - my most favorite place in the world. I've been here almost five months. I'm 1/4 of the way done and I can't even see how I'm going to get through tomorrrow.
I hate being in this limbo with Jamie. He won't really talk to me and he makes me feel like everything is my fault. He had to ask himself why he was with me. He asked me why I was with him if he hurt me so much and made me feel like a piece of crap so often. And I told him it was because I couldn't just walk away from everything. I couldn't try and tell myself I didn't love him anymore because I would be lying to myself. When I'm happy with him, I'm really happy. It's stupid crap like this that tears me apart. I can't just forget the way it feels when he kisses me or when we laugh together. I don't want to give up on us. I don't believe that he can say all those I love you's the way he did and throw them all away. How can a person do that? I don't think that I could have invested all this time and effort and heartache for nothing. I don't just give my heart to anyone...
If this is it... what the hell was the point?
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sunday.
Day 146--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whew, had a little bit of a Day mix up but I went back and corrected it. Officially Day 146.
So... looks like I spoke too soon when I said that it hadn't looked much like winter - it's snowing now. Doesn't look like it's stopping anytimes soon. Great.
Not much to do around here when it's snowin on a Sunday. Just cleanin my room then going down to Rec later.
Oh, almost forgot to mention, Karlee is in the hospital right now. Barb - our dorm staff - came and took her about half an hour ago. We're afriad she might have Appendicitis. Good thing is, if she does, we've caught it way ahead of time.
Whew, had a little bit of a Day mix up but I went back and corrected it. Officially Day 146.
So... looks like I spoke too soon when I said that it hadn't looked much like winter - it's snowing now. Doesn't look like it's stopping anytimes soon. Great.
Not much to do around here when it's snowin on a Sunday. Just cleanin my room then going down to Rec later.
Oh, almost forgot to mention, Karlee is in the hospital right now. Barb - our dorm staff - came and took her about half an hour ago. We're afriad she might have Appendicitis. Good thing is, if she does, we've caught it way ahead of time.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Day Pass
Day 145----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like the new update to the blog? My second favorite holiday is Valentine's Day because I love the colors. It hasn't looked much like winter for a few weeks now so I thought I'd change the dreary old theme to this new one. Besides, I couldn't wait any longer!
Jamie, Scott (my ICL brother, one of Jamie's best friends, and a fellow trade member), and I went out on Day Pass today. I'm not sure if I've explained Day Pass to you, but it's an opportunity the center gives students every Saturday so they may go into Yakima to the mall or Walmart.
Anyway, we ended up seeing an old HER student, Michael, for a few minutes. He's going into Basic Training for the Army in a few days, so of course the boys (and everyone else on the bus for that matter) were excited to talk to him.
Once we had some small talk and got tired of standing in the parking lot (we must have been there a good 15 - 20 min), Jamie, Scott, and I took off to go window shopping. I was a little embarrassed, the boys turned out to be better shoppers than I am. I never have been a compulsive buyer, at least not when it comes to clothing or anything over $20. I'm not a browser and I never go shopping unless I know exactly what I'm looking for or have something specific in mind. I'm also cheapo and I enjoy a good thrift store, but the guys were just going around and around with "Hey, look at this" or "Oh, I wish could buy that". And I couldn't believe the prices! Some of this stuff was totally useless or just an impractical waste of money, yet they "Ooh'd" and "Aah'd" anyway. Although I might not understand the whole process of being an experienced 'shopper', I still had a good time.
Jamie is trying to convince me to hang up the flannel and cowboy boots and put on a pair of skate shoes with a Fox Racing t-shirt, but he has yet to succeed. Slowly but surely though, I think I'm starting to succumb to the dark side. I might look pretty good in those city clothes.
Karlee is mad at me right now. She's upset that I've been 'ditching' her for Jamie a lot. But we didn't really have any set plans. She made it sound like she wanted to spend some quality time with Michael (Kevin's best friend and a brother figure to her) while he was in town, so I let her do her own thing. I also knew that Jamie and I would both be busy tonight and wouldn't be able to see each other, so I wanted to spend time with him this afternoon.
Kevin is gone on PDOF right now (that's paid leave to go find a job on the outside) and he won't be back until Thursday, so I'm her fall back. But the thing is, when Jamie was... doing his own thing, I didn't expect her to stay in the room and mope with me all day. I also didn't expect her to not go down to Rec with Kevin, rather than leave me behind. They need their couple time and I hate being a tag along, so I didn't get upset or anything. Now that it's her turn to be reclusive, it's not okay.
The other day I was like, "I'm going to spend some time with Jamie", and she made me feel bad by saying, "Oh okay, I'm going to sit in here alone and try to sleep, I guess". Wow, way to make me feel like poop.
She also has some family stuff going on at the moment so she's been irritable all day. But I'm not the one who made all this stuff happen. Something bad happens and she takes it out on the world and anyone who happens to get in her way. Try to start a conversation to get her mind off things, and she'll snap at you, getting offended by anything you say. Not really fair, but with Karlee - everyone is liable.
On a good note, I'm really excited about V-day. I'm trying to think up something clever and out of the blue to do for Jamie to celebrate. Not really sure what yet, but I'm brain storming.
Like the new update to the blog? My second favorite holiday is Valentine's Day because I love the colors. It hasn't looked much like winter for a few weeks now so I thought I'd change the dreary old theme to this new one. Besides, I couldn't wait any longer!
Jamie, Scott (my ICL brother, one of Jamie's best friends, and a fellow trade member), and I went out on Day Pass today. I'm not sure if I've explained Day Pass to you, but it's an opportunity the center gives students every Saturday so they may go into Yakima to the mall or Walmart.
Anyway, we ended up seeing an old HER student, Michael, for a few minutes. He's going into Basic Training for the Army in a few days, so of course the boys (and everyone else on the bus for that matter) were excited to talk to him.
Once we had some small talk and got tired of standing in the parking lot (we must have been there a good 15 - 20 min), Jamie, Scott, and I took off to go window shopping. I was a little embarrassed, the boys turned out to be better shoppers than I am. I never have been a compulsive buyer, at least not when it comes to clothing or anything over $20. I'm not a browser and I never go shopping unless I know exactly what I'm looking for or have something specific in mind. I'm also cheapo and I enjoy a good thrift store, but the guys were just going around and around with "Hey, look at this" or "Oh, I wish could buy that". And I couldn't believe the prices! Some of this stuff was totally useless or just an impractical waste of money, yet they "Ooh'd" and "Aah'd" anyway. Although I might not understand the whole process of being an experienced 'shopper', I still had a good time.
Jamie is trying to convince me to hang up the flannel and cowboy boots and put on a pair of skate shoes with a Fox Racing t-shirt, but he has yet to succeed. Slowly but surely though, I think I'm starting to succumb to the dark side. I might look pretty good in those city clothes.
Karlee is mad at me right now. She's upset that I've been 'ditching' her for Jamie a lot. But we didn't really have any set plans. She made it sound like she wanted to spend some quality time with Michael (Kevin's best friend and a brother figure to her) while he was in town, so I let her do her own thing. I also knew that Jamie and I would both be busy tonight and wouldn't be able to see each other, so I wanted to spend time with him this afternoon.
Kevin is gone on PDOF right now (that's paid leave to go find a job on the outside) and he won't be back until Thursday, so I'm her fall back. But the thing is, when Jamie was... doing his own thing, I didn't expect her to stay in the room and mope with me all day. I also didn't expect her to not go down to Rec with Kevin, rather than leave me behind. They need their couple time and I hate being a tag along, so I didn't get upset or anything. Now that it's her turn to be reclusive, it's not okay.
The other day I was like, "I'm going to spend some time with Jamie", and she made me feel bad by saying, "Oh okay, I'm going to sit in here alone and try to sleep, I guess". Wow, way to make me feel like poop.
She also has some family stuff going on at the moment so she's been irritable all day. But I'm not the one who made all this stuff happen. Something bad happens and she takes it out on the world and anyone who happens to get in her way. Try to start a conversation to get her mind off things, and she'll snap at you, getting offended by anything you say. Not really fair, but with Karlee - everyone is liable.
On a good note, I'm really excited about V-day. I'm trying to think up something clever and out of the blue to do for Jamie to celebrate. Not really sure what yet, but I'm brain storming.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Feedback
Day 142---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wanted to apologize to all of my blog readers for possibly boring you with my raving antics or emotionally charged pieces. Seems that's all I can think about these days. *sigh* The glories of being a teenager.
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I would like to especially thank Sarah, my cousin, for sending me such a thoughtful and caring email. I miss you very much and I had forgotten how much I look up to you.
I know what I need to do; focus. Everyone back home, friends and family, are right. I forgot what I came here for. And this isn't the first time I've gotten wrapped up in everyone's life but my own. It's so easy to be swept away here. I think I need to sit down and really think about what I want out of this experience, probably write it down. Sarah was right, I'm not going to get this time back. How will I look back at this in the future? How do I want to see it?
Time to hit the notebook.
I wanted to apologize to all of my blog readers for possibly boring you with my raving antics or emotionally charged pieces. Seems that's all I can think about these days. *sigh* The glories of being a teenager.
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I would like to especially thank Sarah, my cousin, for sending me such a thoughtful and caring email. I miss you very much and I had forgotten how much I look up to you.
I know what I need to do; focus. Everyone back home, friends and family, are right. I forgot what I came here for. And this isn't the first time I've gotten wrapped up in everyone's life but my own. It's so easy to be swept away here. I think I need to sit down and really think about what I want out of this experience, probably write it down. Sarah was right, I'm not going to get this time back. How will I look back at this in the future? How do I want to see it?
Time to hit the notebook.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Story - Part 2
Day 141--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry everyone, I didn't get a chance to finish where I left off a few days ago. Busy, busy, busy.
So after the sweet, yet confusing, encounter with Jamie, he asked if I wanted to go for a walk on the track. Now the track is our special place. It's where we go when we need to get away from everyone. The thing is, we hadn't been on the track since we arrived, much less shared much more than small talk.
Anyway, I agreed and he took my hand and led me outside. I was so astonished that I didn't know what to say. I had a million questions running through my head. I was so angry at him for being so distant for so long, but I was so happy that he was finally showing interest. I wanted to yell and scream at him for making me feel so small and insecure, yet I wanted to just melt into his arms and pretend nothing happened.
Instead, I started a casual conversation, asking him how he was. I didn't know what else to do. After a few attempts of failed small talk, on my end and his, I finally couldn't bear it. I stopped walking and I looked at him. I said, "Do you have any idea how I've felt the past couple weeks? Can you even grasp how lonely I was? I have never felt so utterly helpless in my entire life". All he could say was, "Yeah... I know".
I told him that I had every intention on breaking it off with him that night. And I said I wouldn't have done it happily, but I would do what I needed to take care of myself. That is what I came here for in the first place. I also said that I had heard that he didn't even want to be with me anymore; the only reason he hadn't broken it off was because he didn't want to break my heart. That's what really got to me and finalized my decision. I wasn't about to stand around while everyone watch me being jerked around, and I ceratinly wasn't going to be another teenage girl statistic who would fall to pieces if her boyfriend of 2 months didn't want a relationship anymore.
When he heard that he said that the first bit was true, he hadn't wanted to be with me for a while. He said that he had wanted space and I was pushing the issue too much. He felt smothered and wasn't comfortable anymore. But when he found out Karlee had been encouraging my behavior, he had softened and realized that the feelings he had for me were something he felt he needed to invest more time in. If he wanted to break up with me, he would have. And I believe it.
So after a long talk and a couple of make up kisses and some laughs, it seemed like nothing had changed. Like the past several days had all just been a simple nightmare and I just had to wait until the light of the day broke through. Jamie explained to me that he was upset that he had to come back to Job Corps and he was worried about his mom. She had always been a simple drive or a phone call away, now she was all the way in Haiti and he hadn't heard from her since she left. He had no idea how to get ahold of her and he was simply dealing with his stress the only way he knew how. Jamie learned how to take care of himself his whole life and he said he wasn't going to be able to change that anytime soon.
I said okay. If that's the way it needs to be for him then fine.
And so we lived happily ever after. THE END.
If only.
Yes, the past few days have been great, amazing in fact. He's been so devoted and open. He asks me when he would see me again at the end of a work day, instead of the other way around. He holds my hand, sends me texts, shares his soda, kisses me even though I'm sick (Yes, I'm sick right now. Common cold. Icky).
But there's something that still gets to me...
You know, they say that women are attacted to men who are similar to their fathers. What does that have anything to do with Jamie? He has straight blond hair, very white, blue eyes, stocky, athletic. And my dad is dark skinned, curly dark brown hair (if he had any), brown eyes, and he's a big guy. Opposites, huh? But there is one thing in common-
Jamie never said he was sorry.
After everything. After everything I felt he put me through. All the sadness and loneliness and aggravating guilt. I never got an apology.
Wow. So much like Daddy.
But I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I want this to work and I'm going to trust him. I have to.
Sorry everyone, I didn't get a chance to finish where I left off a few days ago. Busy, busy, busy.
So after the sweet, yet confusing, encounter with Jamie, he asked if I wanted to go for a walk on the track. Now the track is our special place. It's where we go when we need to get away from everyone. The thing is, we hadn't been on the track since we arrived, much less shared much more than small talk.
Anyway, I agreed and he took my hand and led me outside. I was so astonished that I didn't know what to say. I had a million questions running through my head. I was so angry at him for being so distant for so long, but I was so happy that he was finally showing interest. I wanted to yell and scream at him for making me feel so small and insecure, yet I wanted to just melt into his arms and pretend nothing happened.
Instead, I started a casual conversation, asking him how he was. I didn't know what else to do. After a few attempts of failed small talk, on my end and his, I finally couldn't bear it. I stopped walking and I looked at him. I said, "Do you have any idea how I've felt the past couple weeks? Can you even grasp how lonely I was? I have never felt so utterly helpless in my entire life". All he could say was, "Yeah... I know".
I told him that I had every intention on breaking it off with him that night. And I said I wouldn't have done it happily, but I would do what I needed to take care of myself. That is what I came here for in the first place. I also said that I had heard that he didn't even want to be with me anymore; the only reason he hadn't broken it off was because he didn't want to break my heart. That's what really got to me and finalized my decision. I wasn't about to stand around while everyone watch me being jerked around, and I ceratinly wasn't going to be another teenage girl statistic who would fall to pieces if her boyfriend of 2 months didn't want a relationship anymore.
When he heard that he said that the first bit was true, he hadn't wanted to be with me for a while. He said that he had wanted space and I was pushing the issue too much. He felt smothered and wasn't comfortable anymore. But when he found out Karlee had been encouraging my behavior, he had softened and realized that the feelings he had for me were something he felt he needed to invest more time in. If he wanted to break up with me, he would have. And I believe it.
So after a long talk and a couple of make up kisses and some laughs, it seemed like nothing had changed. Like the past several days had all just been a simple nightmare and I just had to wait until the light of the day broke through. Jamie explained to me that he was upset that he had to come back to Job Corps and he was worried about his mom. She had always been a simple drive or a phone call away, now she was all the way in Haiti and he hadn't heard from her since she left. He had no idea how to get ahold of her and he was simply dealing with his stress the only way he knew how. Jamie learned how to take care of himself his whole life and he said he wasn't going to be able to change that anytime soon.
I said okay. If that's the way it needs to be for him then fine.
And so we lived happily ever after. THE END.
If only.
Yes, the past few days have been great, amazing in fact. He's been so devoted and open. He asks me when he would see me again at the end of a work day, instead of the other way around. He holds my hand, sends me texts, shares his soda, kisses me even though I'm sick (Yes, I'm sick right now. Common cold. Icky).
But there's something that still gets to me...
You know, they say that women are attacted to men who are similar to their fathers. What does that have anything to do with Jamie? He has straight blond hair, very white, blue eyes, stocky, athletic. And my dad is dark skinned, curly dark brown hair (if he had any), brown eyes, and he's a big guy. Opposites, huh? But there is one thing in common-
Jamie never said he was sorry.
After everything. After everything I felt he put me through. All the sadness and loneliness and aggravating guilt. I never got an apology.
Wow. So much like Daddy.
But I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I want this to work and I'm going to trust him. I have to.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Story - Part 1
Day 139-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Haven't really been in the mood for writing lately. Thank you all my faithful blog readers who have checked up on my website to read this. I appreciate you bearing with me.
So I almost let him go last week, a few days after my last blog. I had all of the things he gave me on my bed and I really was going to do it. I had a speech all planned out and everything. I was going to walk up to Jamie and say, "I've worked really hard to make this work, and I don't know what happened, but I can't do this anymore. I don't deserve to be treated like this". Then I was going to had him his stuff, including the dog tag he gave me and I was going to walk away.
But that's not how it went. - Let me start from the beginning.
Our staff has recently decided that Tues - Thurs the girls are required to go to a work out session right after trade. It's absolutely mandatory to be there, but not to work out. They set this up because a lot of the girls are a little (or a lot) on the heavy side and although they are interested in losing weight, they are too self conscious to go to the weight room that is always over populated with males. Some don't even want to work out in front of anyone, period. Quite frankly, I don't blame them. So they staff set up this new program where we go to the gym, girls only, and turn all the lights off so you can't really see anyone. Then we work out to this thing called Zumba which is a dance video. They did this one video with kicking and punching and I liked that one a lot more (I can't dance to save my life), but of course I was the only one who liked it.
Anyway, it just so happened that the water was shut off (they're doing construction on center) and after working out I wasn't about to go to dinner all sweaty to give Jamie his things and my goodbye speech, so I had to wait till it was turned back on.
After I got out of the shower, I had a text on my phone and it was Jamie asking if I wanted to meet up at Rec later. I was very... perturbed. I wasn't sure what to expect, but curiosity killed the cat, so I told him I would. Besides, once I finally made it down the dining hall, dinner was over, and everyone was gone anyway. I had to find some scraps in the kitchen.
I left his stuff in my room because a big part of me didn't want to let him go in the first place; I was praying that tonight would be the night that he came around.
I arrived at Rec and I didn't see Jamie, so I went to the student store to chat with my friend that was working that night. Karlee was with me. All of a sudden, I feel a hand slide into my pocket and I turn around to see Jamie. He was giving me his beloved dog tags to hang on to, and he went back to the weight room, giving me a kiss on the cheek before he left. I was so confused and I looked at Karlee; I must have had a pretty helpless look on my face because she just shook her head, not knowing what to think either. He never takes his dog tags off because one belongs to his late father, whom he holds in very high regard, so I'm pretty sure that it was just an excuse to show me he still loved me after all this time.
Haven't really been in the mood for writing lately. Thank you all my faithful blog readers who have checked up on my website to read this. I appreciate you bearing with me.
So I almost let him go last week, a few days after my last blog. I had all of the things he gave me on my bed and I really was going to do it. I had a speech all planned out and everything. I was going to walk up to Jamie and say, "I've worked really hard to make this work, and I don't know what happened, but I can't do this anymore. I don't deserve to be treated like this". Then I was going to had him his stuff, including the dog tag he gave me and I was going to walk away.
But that's not how it went. - Let me start from the beginning.
Our staff has recently decided that Tues - Thurs the girls are required to go to a work out session right after trade. It's absolutely mandatory to be there, but not to work out. They set this up because a lot of the girls are a little (or a lot) on the heavy side and although they are interested in losing weight, they are too self conscious to go to the weight room that is always over populated with males. Some don't even want to work out in front of anyone, period. Quite frankly, I don't blame them. So they staff set up this new program where we go to the gym, girls only, and turn all the lights off so you can't really see anyone. Then we work out to this thing called Zumba which is a dance video. They did this one video with kicking and punching and I liked that one a lot more (I can't dance to save my life), but of course I was the only one who liked it.
Anyway, it just so happened that the water was shut off (they're doing construction on center) and after working out I wasn't about to go to dinner all sweaty to give Jamie his things and my goodbye speech, so I had to wait till it was turned back on.
After I got out of the shower, I had a text on my phone and it was Jamie asking if I wanted to meet up at Rec later. I was very... perturbed. I wasn't sure what to expect, but curiosity killed the cat, so I told him I would. Besides, once I finally made it down the dining hall, dinner was over, and everyone was gone anyway. I had to find some scraps in the kitchen.
I left his stuff in my room because a big part of me didn't want to let him go in the first place; I was praying that tonight would be the night that he came around.
I arrived at Rec and I didn't see Jamie, so I went to the student store to chat with my friend that was working that night. Karlee was with me. All of a sudden, I feel a hand slide into my pocket and I turn around to see Jamie. He was giving me his beloved dog tags to hang on to, and he went back to the weight room, giving me a kiss on the cheek before he left. I was so confused and I looked at Karlee; I must have had a pretty helpless look on my face because she just shook her head, not knowing what to think either. He never takes his dog tags off because one belongs to his late father, whom he holds in very high regard, so I'm pretty sure that it was just an excuse to show me he still loved me after all this time.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Secrets
I wrote this blog about a week ago. I started telling about my day and eventually started venting about things in my life. I posted it overnight and then deleted it the next morning, feeling foolish, young, and naive for the things I wrote about and exposing so much of my feelings to my friends and family. But many people have been asking me how things are with friends (Jamie mostly) so I decided I should pull this out from the attic and share with you how I feel things are going, with out sugar coating them. This blog had been extended with my present thoughts at the bottom.
Day 124-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went on day pass today with Karlee and our friend Kayla. Karlee went shopping for McGee and had to buy a TON of food since McGee is not allowed to go on day pass yet. While the two of them shopped I went to Starbucks to use the Wi-Fi to download books onto my kindle that my mom got me. Other than that the day was pretty uneventful.
You may have noticed that I have been able to write more often recently. Well that is because Jamie and I haven't been spending as much time together. In fact, I've spent most of my time in the dorm since I got here. We were really close before we left for Winter Break. We spent all the hours we could together, often accompanied by Kevin and Karlee. But now it seems that those 14 days apart really tore us apart. When I went to his house on the 31st it was so good to see him. We laughed and talked and it was like Thanksgiving all over again. But after that first day he started to get distant. I figured that it was just because we had to go back the last time we went back he was the same way. Then once we got here it continued. When I asked him what was wrong all I got was an "I don't feel good".
I felt so inadequate. I felt like I should know what to do make him feel better because we used to spend so much time together. So not knowing what else to do I went and did what I do best: rebellion. For some reason it makes me feel like I'm in control of at least something. I went and smoked some cigarettes with some friends that Jamie doesn't like me to hang out with. I quit smoking and hanging out with those people in the first place because his friendship meant more to me. Then of course it turned into one of those wrong place wrong time kind of situations and Jamie walked by. Uh oh. That just made matters worse and definitely put me in the dog house. If there wasn't anything wrong before there certainly was now.
After a whole 24 hours of kicking myself in the ass, Jamie came and talked to me and said that the only reason he was angry was because he cared and he had trusted me to not to stupid things when I knew he didn't like them. He asked me if there was any reason he should trust me and I said no. I kept trying to come up with excuses for my selfish and, quite honestly, childish behavior and I couldn't. They all sounded so lame. So I finally just bit my tongue and apologized. He told me that I'd have to earn his trust again and that it wouldn't happen overnight. So after that I figured it be easier to stay in the dorm if I wasn't hanging out with him or Karlee so I wouldn't be tempted to do something foolish.
I just realized that this all happened on Tuesday, so it's only been four days. Sometimes he doesn't talk to me, just shrugs or gives me a grunt when I ask him things. He won't hug me or make eye contact. It feels like we haven't been friends in ages. But then, sometimes he'll be almost normal and I'll try my hardest to take advantage and reach my heart out towards him. And he'll laugh and play almost like he used to. It feels forced though. Maybe he is still getting used to being back or he's still upset with me. I can understand, it really hasn't been that long. It's just that time goes by so painfully slow here. It feels like I've been back for a month and it hasn't even been a full week.
A Conversation with Myself
What if it's me though? What if I've ruined our friendship? What if I'm not good enough? Maybe I'm too clingy? Or too smart? Maybe I'm abrasive. Maybe I'm narcissistic. What if it's nothing and he's just going through a hard time and can't talk about it? What if I'm just so anxious for time to move faster that I am rushing everything, including my relationships with everyone around me? Maybe I'm so desperate for some familiarities that I'm acting as if my friends here should tell me everything and visa versa.
I have hundreds of 'what if's' and a million more doubts. The list is endless.
Patience.
That's what I'm praying for. I keep telling myself that it's alright, just slow down. It will all even out in time. But how much time? Next week? Next month? Maybe months from now. It all seems so far away. I want things to be alright now. I want to be back to normal. I'll never quite be comfortable here, but when Jamie was right, at least I felt safe.
Before I left, it seemed everything at Job Corps was wrong and the only thing that was right was mine and Jamie's friendship. Now, it seems like I'm finally confident in my job and my studies, and I'm confident I can do well here... but the only thing that isn't working is us.
Faith and Courage
Sometimes I believe that everything happens for a reason. Also, the more honest and comfortable I am with myself, the closer I will feel to God, and the closer the people around me will be.
Even if things don't work out the way I thought, something better will come of it. I'll have learned something that I needed to know. I have to remember that when it seems that everything I have worked for has failed, I'll still have everything I started out with - my Self. And that's all I need to start over.
Day 130------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This post really reveals my feelings about Jamie, but I assume that most of you have caught on. If not, I apologize for the rude and sudden announcement. But it has become a big part of my life here and I felt it was necessary to reveal the truth.
Once again, it hasn't been that long since I wrote that post, but like I said, time passes so slowly. And I've been trying hard not to keep score against him, but here, every moment counts. I have to spend every moment of every day looking at the same people, the same buildings, the same trees, patch of sky, and terrain. Nothing changes. The only thing that really puts any emotion into my life here is my social life, and I hardly have one of those anymore. The days flew by when we were together. I never wanted a day to end because I was spending my moments with Jamie.
He made it not quite so terrible to have to wake up in the morning to see the white brick walls, laying in the bed that has belonged to so many people before me. I had a different reason to be anxious for work to be over; so we could be together. Now, I can't wait to hear the work bell ring so I can go back to the four walls and lay on the bed that isn't really mine. I can't wait till the end of the day so I can stare at the ceiling and will myself into a dreamless sleep. That way I don't have to watch the seconds tick by.
I'm not sure what happened or where we went wrong, and I KNOW it wasn't because of the argument we had. I think that was just an excuse. There's something else on Jamie's mind that has been bothering him for a while. His mom has just gone to Haiti with her church, he hates it here, he wants to go home, and he struggles in school. But how can that be it? He is not the only one who wants to go home. He's not the only one who gets sick when eats the food here. He is not the only one who struggles in school and he's not the only one with loved ones in dangerous places. He is not alone, yet he his isolating himself from the ones who want to help him. He is isolating himself from me.
I feel so helpless, so useless, because I can't fix whatever is broken inside of him. Isn't that what I am supposed to do? Isn't that my job? I've tried everything. I've helped with his homework (done it for him, I should say), stayed away when he said he needed space, came to him when he asked. Been there when he needed me. I've come up from behind him, given him a kiss on the cheek, and asked him how is day was. And I've been the silent girlfriend when he went to go do guys stuff with his buddies. This is when I begin to wonder if I'm even good enough to be with him. Maybe he came to realization that I'm not the amazing person he thought I was.
It didn't used to be this way. Things between me and Jamie used to be so Hollywood. But then again, aren't they always in the beginning? He used to walk me to the dorm and hold me until the last minute I had to go in. We would stand outside in the freezing wind and keep each other warm. He used to smile at me all the time. Hell, he used to joke with me, and he doesn't even do that anymore. He would hold my hand at dinner in front of everyone. He was proud to be with me. Now, I try to hold his hand and he takes it and places in my lap. I see him and he doesn't even say hello, much less kiss me good morning. That's kind of a sure sign things aren't working. But when I talked to him about it he says he doesn't want to break things off. What am I to do?
I hate to leave him now, especially if he really is going through a hard time, and I'm not sure what I would do through out my day knowing it was really over. He gave me a dog tag of his that I never take off, and my neck would feel so light without it. What would I do without the sweatshirt he gave me? And how could I open my closet everyday and not see the hat that I borrowed so long ago that doesn't fit?
I don't understand how things could go so wrong so fast, but Mom always said that I go through my life phases very quickly. My first three and a half months here were like her freshman year in college, and the next six are going to be like her college 'sophomore slump'.
Why does that have to be true with the things I want and love the most. I'm tired of burning the fuses out on love and relationships in my life. Yes, I know, I'm young yet and I have a lot to learn and a whole lot more toads to kiss. But how am I supposed to get through this place alone?
I know that Jamie is not the type to come running back and if I let him go, I let him go forever. He's also stubborn and will never admit to the error of his ways. So I don't know if I should be patient and wait this out, no matter how agonizingly long it takes, or break it off while I still have a bit of my dignity left. I can be alone without a relationship or alone in one.
Why can't I fix this? I'm so angry at myself. I'm so angry I let this happen. I'm so mad for being foolish and getting into a relationship in the first place. I know better! I have been through this before! This is history repeating itself. How could I possibly think that a guy at Job Corps, of all places, would be any different than the ones back home? Or maybe I'm seeing this wrong. How could I think I stand anymore of a chance with the men here as I did back home? Do I have a right to be angry at him? Am I making this up in my head because I am scared he's going to realize what a waste of time I am, like every other man before him? I mean, even my own father couldn't hang around until I was a teenager. (I'm sorry Daddy, I love you, but that's how I feel.) It took John ages to get used to me and I think the only reason he put up with me sometimes is because he loved my mother. Am I that much of a handful? Why can't I be better? Why do I have to be different?
I just want this to be over. I have 451 days until my 18th birthday and I promise you, that is 451 days too long, and 451 days I have to fight to find a reason to stay here.
If I leave him now, I'll be on my own for the next 451 worst days of my life, wasting away, sad, lonely and depressed. And if I stay, I will mean that I will have lied to myself, my friends, and family about the strong woman I've always been. But to be honest with you, I don't feel that strong anymore. I don't remember why I left home because nothing, nothing, could be as bad as this. So I don't think I have anything more to lose. I've already lost pretty much all the virtue I thought I had, so whatever comes of this thing that I call a relationship, I'll probably end up on bottom anyways.
P.S.
Today was our two month marker... I didn't get a kiss. I didn't get a hug. I didn't even get one word. Even though I said "Good morning, I love you. Happy Anniversary."
I'm not even sure if that hurts anymore. How do you break a heart that's already been shattered?
How do change a future that's already been written by the history behind it?
Day 124-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went on day pass today with Karlee and our friend Kayla. Karlee went shopping for McGee and had to buy a TON of food since McGee is not allowed to go on day pass yet. While the two of them shopped I went to Starbucks to use the Wi-Fi to download books onto my kindle that my mom got me. Other than that the day was pretty uneventful.
You may have noticed that I have been able to write more often recently. Well that is because Jamie and I haven't been spending as much time together. In fact, I've spent most of my time in the dorm since I got here. We were really close before we left for Winter Break. We spent all the hours we could together, often accompanied by Kevin and Karlee. But now it seems that those 14 days apart really tore us apart. When I went to his house on the 31st it was so good to see him. We laughed and talked and it was like Thanksgiving all over again. But after that first day he started to get distant. I figured that it was just because we had to go back the last time we went back he was the same way. Then once we got here it continued. When I asked him what was wrong all I got was an "I don't feel good".
I felt so inadequate. I felt like I should know what to do make him feel better because we used to spend so much time together. So not knowing what else to do I went and did what I do best: rebellion. For some reason it makes me feel like I'm in control of at least something. I went and smoked some cigarettes with some friends that Jamie doesn't like me to hang out with. I quit smoking and hanging out with those people in the first place because his friendship meant more to me. Then of course it turned into one of those wrong place wrong time kind of situations and Jamie walked by. Uh oh. That just made matters worse and definitely put me in the dog house. If there wasn't anything wrong before there certainly was now.
After a whole 24 hours of kicking myself in the ass, Jamie came and talked to me and said that the only reason he was angry was because he cared and he had trusted me to not to stupid things when I knew he didn't like them. He asked me if there was any reason he should trust me and I said no. I kept trying to come up with excuses for my selfish and, quite honestly, childish behavior and I couldn't. They all sounded so lame. So I finally just bit my tongue and apologized. He told me that I'd have to earn his trust again and that it wouldn't happen overnight. So after that I figured it be easier to stay in the dorm if I wasn't hanging out with him or Karlee so I wouldn't be tempted to do something foolish.
I just realized that this all happened on Tuesday, so it's only been four days. Sometimes he doesn't talk to me, just shrugs or gives me a grunt when I ask him things. He won't hug me or make eye contact. It feels like we haven't been friends in ages. But then, sometimes he'll be almost normal and I'll try my hardest to take advantage and reach my heart out towards him. And he'll laugh and play almost like he used to. It feels forced though. Maybe he is still getting used to being back or he's still upset with me. I can understand, it really hasn't been that long. It's just that time goes by so painfully slow here. It feels like I've been back for a month and it hasn't even been a full week.
A Conversation with Myself
What if it's me though? What if I've ruined our friendship? What if I'm not good enough? Maybe I'm too clingy? Or too smart? Maybe I'm abrasive. Maybe I'm narcissistic. What if it's nothing and he's just going through a hard time and can't talk about it? What if I'm just so anxious for time to move faster that I am rushing everything, including my relationships with everyone around me? Maybe I'm so desperate for some familiarities that I'm acting as if my friends here should tell me everything and visa versa.
I have hundreds of 'what if's' and a million more doubts. The list is endless.
Patience.
That's what I'm praying for. I keep telling myself that it's alright, just slow down. It will all even out in time. But how much time? Next week? Next month? Maybe months from now. It all seems so far away. I want things to be alright now. I want to be back to normal. I'll never quite be comfortable here, but when Jamie was right, at least I felt safe.
Before I left, it seemed everything at Job Corps was wrong and the only thing that was right was mine and Jamie's friendship. Now, it seems like I'm finally confident in my job and my studies, and I'm confident I can do well here... but the only thing that isn't working is us.
Faith and Courage
Sometimes I believe that everything happens for a reason. Also, the more honest and comfortable I am with myself, the closer I will feel to God, and the closer the people around me will be.
Even if things don't work out the way I thought, something better will come of it. I'll have learned something that I needed to know. I have to remember that when it seems that everything I have worked for has failed, I'll still have everything I started out with - my Self. And that's all I need to start over.
Day 130------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This post really reveals my feelings about Jamie, but I assume that most of you have caught on. If not, I apologize for the rude and sudden announcement. But it has become a big part of my life here and I felt it was necessary to reveal the truth.
Once again, it hasn't been that long since I wrote that post, but like I said, time passes so slowly. And I've been trying hard not to keep score against him, but here, every moment counts. I have to spend every moment of every day looking at the same people, the same buildings, the same trees, patch of sky, and terrain. Nothing changes. The only thing that really puts any emotion into my life here is my social life, and I hardly have one of those anymore. The days flew by when we were together. I never wanted a day to end because I was spending my moments with Jamie.
He made it not quite so terrible to have to wake up in the morning to see the white brick walls, laying in the bed that has belonged to so many people before me. I had a different reason to be anxious for work to be over; so we could be together. Now, I can't wait to hear the work bell ring so I can go back to the four walls and lay on the bed that isn't really mine. I can't wait till the end of the day so I can stare at the ceiling and will myself into a dreamless sleep. That way I don't have to watch the seconds tick by.
I'm not sure what happened or where we went wrong, and I KNOW it wasn't because of the argument we had. I think that was just an excuse. There's something else on Jamie's mind that has been bothering him for a while. His mom has just gone to Haiti with her church, he hates it here, he wants to go home, and he struggles in school. But how can that be it? He is not the only one who wants to go home. He's not the only one who gets sick when eats the food here. He is not the only one who struggles in school and he's not the only one with loved ones in dangerous places. He is not alone, yet he his isolating himself from the ones who want to help him. He is isolating himself from me.
I feel so helpless, so useless, because I can't fix whatever is broken inside of him. Isn't that what I am supposed to do? Isn't that my job? I've tried everything. I've helped with his homework (done it for him, I should say), stayed away when he said he needed space, came to him when he asked. Been there when he needed me. I've come up from behind him, given him a kiss on the cheek, and asked him how is day was. And I've been the silent girlfriend when he went to go do guys stuff with his buddies. This is when I begin to wonder if I'm even good enough to be with him. Maybe he came to realization that I'm not the amazing person he thought I was.
It didn't used to be this way. Things between me and Jamie used to be so Hollywood. But then again, aren't they always in the beginning? He used to walk me to the dorm and hold me until the last minute I had to go in. We would stand outside in the freezing wind and keep each other warm. He used to smile at me all the time. Hell, he used to joke with me, and he doesn't even do that anymore. He would hold my hand at dinner in front of everyone. He was proud to be with me. Now, I try to hold his hand and he takes it and places in my lap. I see him and he doesn't even say hello, much less kiss me good morning. That's kind of a sure sign things aren't working. But when I talked to him about it he says he doesn't want to break things off. What am I to do?
I hate to leave him now, especially if he really is going through a hard time, and I'm not sure what I would do through out my day knowing it was really over. He gave me a dog tag of his that I never take off, and my neck would feel so light without it. What would I do without the sweatshirt he gave me? And how could I open my closet everyday and not see the hat that I borrowed so long ago that doesn't fit?
I don't understand how things could go so wrong so fast, but Mom always said that I go through my life phases very quickly. My first three and a half months here were like her freshman year in college, and the next six are going to be like her college 'sophomore slump'.
Why does that have to be true with the things I want and love the most. I'm tired of burning the fuses out on love and relationships in my life. Yes, I know, I'm young yet and I have a lot to learn and a whole lot more toads to kiss. But how am I supposed to get through this place alone?
I know that Jamie is not the type to come running back and if I let him go, I let him go forever. He's also stubborn and will never admit to the error of his ways. So I don't know if I should be patient and wait this out, no matter how agonizingly long it takes, or break it off while I still have a bit of my dignity left. I can be alone without a relationship or alone in one.
Why can't I fix this? I'm so angry at myself. I'm so angry I let this happen. I'm so mad for being foolish and getting into a relationship in the first place. I know better! I have been through this before! This is history repeating itself. How could I possibly think that a guy at Job Corps, of all places, would be any different than the ones back home? Or maybe I'm seeing this wrong. How could I think I stand anymore of a chance with the men here as I did back home? Do I have a right to be angry at him? Am I making this up in my head because I am scared he's going to realize what a waste of time I am, like every other man before him? I mean, even my own father couldn't hang around until I was a teenager. (I'm sorry Daddy, I love you, but that's how I feel.) It took John ages to get used to me and I think the only reason he put up with me sometimes is because he loved my mother. Am I that much of a handful? Why can't I be better? Why do I have to be different?
I just want this to be over. I have 451 days until my 18th birthday and I promise you, that is 451 days too long, and 451 days I have to fight to find a reason to stay here.
If I leave him now, I'll be on my own for the next 451 worst days of my life, wasting away, sad, lonely and depressed. And if I stay, I will mean that I will have lied to myself, my friends, and family about the strong woman I've always been. But to be honest with you, I don't feel that strong anymore. I don't remember why I left home because nothing, nothing, could be as bad as this. So I don't think I have anything more to lose. I've already lost pretty much all the virtue I thought I had, so whatever comes of this thing that I call a relationship, I'll probably end up on bottom anyways.
P.S.
Today was our two month marker... I didn't get a kiss. I didn't get a hug. I didn't even get one word. Even though I said "Good morning, I love you. Happy Anniversary."
I'm not even sure if that hurts anymore. How do you break a heart that's already been shattered?
How do change a future that's already been written by the history behind it?
Nothing New
Day 130--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things with Karlee and I are going great. I love her as my new roommate. It's like a sleep over 24/7 and I always have someone to talk to.
It dumped a few inches of snow on us the other day but its all gone now, besides the huge piles they made clearing snow from the roads.
I'm doing well in my Driver's Ed class. I think some of the required paperwork is a little excessive, but what can you do?
Time goes by here so slowly. Every day is the same damn thing and I want so badly to be out of here. But I want to leave with a life. So what I really want is for it to be 2012 already. Life is so uneventful, after three days of not posting a blog, I STILL have nothing to write about. Does anyone have a remedy for this nonsense?
Things with Karlee and I are going great. I love her as my new roommate. It's like a sleep over 24/7 and I always have someone to talk to.
It dumped a few inches of snow on us the other day but its all gone now, besides the huge piles they made clearing snow from the roads.
I'm doing well in my Driver's Ed class. I think some of the required paperwork is a little excessive, but what can you do?
Time goes by here so slowly. Every day is the same damn thing and I want so badly to be out of here. But I want to leave with a life. So what I really want is for it to be 2012 already. Life is so uneventful, after three days of not posting a blog, I STILL have nothing to write about. Does anyone have a remedy for this nonsense?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Shopping / Change of Plans
Day 127------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went on my first clothing trip today. Every 3 months they are supposed to give us 100 dollars to spend of clothes at Walmart or Fred Meyer. They were a little late in giving me and my ICL* group our shopping trip because of Christmas Break, but it's good we finally got the chance. We ended up going to Walmart and I bought a whole bunch of camo stuff. Just some cool shirts, a couple of hats, and a pair of insulated sweatpants. They are SO warm. Other than that I didn't get much. I hate buying clothes at Walmart so I only spent $60 total, the other $40 will carry over for my next trip. Hopefully we'll go to Fred Meyer next time and I can get some quality clothing.
As for the change of plans, Karlee is moving in tonight in about 15 minutes when she get back from dinner. They already have someone lined up to take her bed so she's moving sooner than we thought. I kind of liked being alone, I am an only child after all, but at least she likes country music. :-)
*ICL - Introduction to Center Life, for those of you who may have forgotten
-Oh my goodness, I just looked outside the window and it's freaking snowing again. Gosh darn it.
I went on my first clothing trip today. Every 3 months they are supposed to give us 100 dollars to spend of clothes at Walmart or Fred Meyer. They were a little late in giving me and my ICL* group our shopping trip because of Christmas Break, but it's good we finally got the chance. We ended up going to Walmart and I bought a whole bunch of camo stuff. Just some cool shirts, a couple of hats, and a pair of insulated sweatpants. They are SO warm. Other than that I didn't get much. I hate buying clothes at Walmart so I only spent $60 total, the other $40 will carry over for my next trip. Hopefully we'll go to Fred Meyer next time and I can get some quality clothing.
As for the change of plans, Karlee is moving in tonight in about 15 minutes when she get back from dinner. They already have someone lined up to take her bed so she's moving sooner than we thought. I kind of liked being alone, I am an only child after all, but at least she likes country music. :-)
*ICL - Introduction to Center Life, for those of you who may have forgotten
-Oh my goodness, I just looked outside the window and it's freaking snowing again. Gosh darn it.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Moving In
Day 126----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went and got my permit today. I hate how the camera adds like 10 lbs (At least I hope that's what it was... *Damn Christmas cookies*). I start my Driver's Ed training on Thursday.
Karlee is moving into my room on Saturday because her roommate is graduating. I'm glad. Her room is SO COLD. It's only like 50 degrees in there. I hope it works out though, this new arrangement. I hope it doesn't turn into one of those "too much of a good thing" kind of situations. I really don't think it will, in fact it'll be refreshing to live with someone I am 100% comfortable with.
I went and got my permit today. I hate how the camera adds like 10 lbs (At least I hope that's what it was... *Damn Christmas cookies*). I start my Driver's Ed training on Thursday.
Karlee is moving into my room on Saturday because her roommate is graduating. I'm glad. Her room is SO COLD. It's only like 50 degrees in there. I hope it works out though, this new arrangement. I hope it doesn't turn into one of those "too much of a good thing" kind of situations. I really don't think it will, in fact it'll be refreshing to live with someone I am 100% comfortable with.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
New News
Day 125---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever put something in a special place where you were sure you wouldn't lose it, and then forget where you put it? Well I did, and I found that stuff that I was "missing". Kind of embarrasing when I had to tell my dorm staff that I'd found it all. She just laughed and rolled her eyes. I really need to start writing stuff down.
It started snowing this morning. Now we have about three inches. Okay, I can handle this much, but apparently everything east of the Cascades is on a winter storm warning. Official weather reports said to 'Please plan accordingly and be proactive by taking care of errands now and stock an extra supply of food'. Yikes! Must be serious. Not looking forward to it.
My roommate, Michelle, moved out just about an hour ago because she was promoted to Assistant Dorm Chief. I'm pretty excited but I didn't tell her that. As much as I liked her, I am SO glad that I can do whatever I want now. I've been promoted to Bay Leader* so I'm top dog in the living situation now. I have to make sure my baymates to their bay jobs every morning but other than that I don't have a huge responsibility, which I am grateful of. I don't have to worry about waking Michelle up because I like to wake up between 0530 and 0600 and she likes to sleep until 0715 (we have to be out of the dorm by 0745, she likes to push it). I think the one thing I'm most looking forward to though is sleeping without music playing and never having to listen to another pop or rap song. She hates country so I could never play it when she was around, and that's the only thing I like. Now I can listen to whatever I want!
I'm going to get my permit tomorrow! I'm very excited. I have to have it for six months before I can get my Intermediate License. I did the math and hopefully I'll be able to drive by the time I come home for summer break. Hey, Grandpa? I think I'll need to borrow your truck.* ;-)
*A bay is two rooms and the bathroom that connects them
*Don't worry, we'll talk about it when I get home. I already know, no friends, no loud music, and no reckless driving or showing off. We can work out the details. :)
Have you ever put something in a special place where you were sure you wouldn't lose it, and then forget where you put it? Well I did, and I found that stuff that I was "missing". Kind of embarrasing when I had to tell my dorm staff that I'd found it all. She just laughed and rolled her eyes. I really need to start writing stuff down.
It started snowing this morning. Now we have about three inches. Okay, I can handle this much, but apparently everything east of the Cascades is on a winter storm warning. Official weather reports said to 'Please plan accordingly and be proactive by taking care of errands now and stock an extra supply of food'. Yikes! Must be serious. Not looking forward to it.
My roommate, Michelle, moved out just about an hour ago because she was promoted to Assistant Dorm Chief. I'm pretty excited but I didn't tell her that. As much as I liked her, I am SO glad that I can do whatever I want now. I've been promoted to Bay Leader* so I'm top dog in the living situation now. I have to make sure my baymates to their bay jobs every morning but other than that I don't have a huge responsibility, which I am grateful of. I don't have to worry about waking Michelle up because I like to wake up between 0530 and 0600 and she likes to sleep until 0715 (we have to be out of the dorm by 0745, she likes to push it). I think the one thing I'm most looking forward to though is sleeping without music playing and never having to listen to another pop or rap song. She hates country so I could never play it when she was around, and that's the only thing I like. Now I can listen to whatever I want!
I'm going to get my permit tomorrow! I'm very excited. I have to have it for six months before I can get my Intermediate License. I did the math and hopefully I'll be able to drive by the time I come home for summer break. Hey, Grandpa? I think I'll need to borrow your truck.* ;-)
*A bay is two rooms and the bathroom that connects them
*Don't worry, we'll talk about it when I get home. I already know, no friends, no loud music, and no reckless driving or showing off. We can work out the details. :)
Friday, January 7, 2011
Tool Safety
Day 123, 13th Vocational Trade Day -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was thinking about the man made machinery I've been working on and I suppose they did get at least one thing right; they are definitely durable enough to maneuver and manipulate all kinds of material for over half a century!
Anyway, my dad sent me a new pair of welding gloves the other day, and I got to use them for the first time on a saw horse we're making. They're REALLY nice, fit perfectly, and my instructor said he was jealous. :-) Of course I don't know anything about brands of work gear but apparently Daddy does. Whoo, go Daddy!
There wasn't a whole lot going on in trade because we were waiting for parts. We had a "tool safety" class earlier in the day for Heavy Equip Rep, Heavy Equip Op, Carpentry, and Brick Masonry. A Hilti Coperation sales representative came and did a presentation for the students and instructors on Hilti tools. Boring at first, then he started to bust out some really impressive products. The statistics he spat out VS other companies were very convincing, and the instructors who have had experiences with other models were obviously sold. They were asking about prices and availability and catalogues. One of the Carpentry instructors even bought a tool right there on the spot. I personally was impressed, but because I haven't any experience with other models, or even very many tools in general, I can't say I hold an opinion.
Other than that we didn't really do much. Jamie, McGee, and I spent about 3 hours "sweeping". Mostly BS-ing but there was some sweeping involved. Hey, what can I say? We had to extend it somehow so we wouldn't get bored. :-)
I was thinking about the man made machinery I've been working on and I suppose they did get at least one thing right; they are definitely durable enough to maneuver and manipulate all kinds of material for over half a century!
Anyway, my dad sent me a new pair of welding gloves the other day, and I got to use them for the first time on a saw horse we're making. They're REALLY nice, fit perfectly, and my instructor said he was jealous. :-) Of course I don't know anything about brands of work gear but apparently Daddy does. Whoo, go Daddy!
There wasn't a whole lot going on in trade because we were waiting for parts. We had a "tool safety" class earlier in the day for Heavy Equip Rep, Heavy Equip Op, Carpentry, and Brick Masonry. A Hilti Coperation sales representative came and did a presentation for the students and instructors on Hilti tools. Boring at first, then he started to bust out some really impressive products. The statistics he spat out VS other companies were very convincing, and the instructors who have had experiences with other models were obviously sold. They were asking about prices and availability and catalogues. One of the Carpentry instructors even bought a tool right there on the spot. I personally was impressed, but because I haven't any experience with other models, or even very many tools in general, I can't say I hold an opinion.
Other than that we didn't really do much. Jamie, McGee, and I spent about 3 hours "sweeping". Mostly BS-ing but there was some sweeping involved. Hey, what can I say? We had to extend it somehow so we wouldn't get bored. :-)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Machinery Confusion
Day 122, 12th Vocational Trade Day----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just finished installing the hydraulic control valve and the hydraulic filter in the Grove crane, with help from some of the boys of course. This crane was built somewhere in the 1960's and it still surprises me how it still runs. Another thing that I am astonished by is not only how extremely complicated and inefficient it is to work on these machines, but also that through out the years, no one has come up with a better idea on how they should be manufactured. Not to mention that not one piece of machinery is exactly like another. A friend told me that these machines were built to be easily assembled, not to easily maintained. It doesn't seem to be very logical, but then again, they were man made. :-)
Other than that things are going alright. I'm learning A LOT and one of the counselors even said that I was very bright and she hopes to see me enroll in the Job Corps College Program. I've been considering it. Maybe I will do that after advanced training and get my AA degree. Then if I still want to, I can go into the coast guard and become an officer. :-) I think I'd do well in college.
P.S.
My social life is a little rocky right now in case any of you were wondering. But I'm doing my best to work things out. And if I'm careful and considerate, things might turn out the way I hoped after all.
I just finished installing the hydraulic control valve and the hydraulic filter in the Grove crane, with help from some of the boys of course. This crane was built somewhere in the 1960's and it still surprises me how it still runs. Another thing that I am astonished by is not only how extremely complicated and inefficient it is to work on these machines, but also that through out the years, no one has come up with a better idea on how they should be manufactured. Not to mention that not one piece of machinery is exactly like another. A friend told me that these machines were built to be easily assembled, not to easily maintained. It doesn't seem to be very logical, but then again, they were man made. :-)
Other than that things are going alright. I'm learning A LOT and one of the counselors even said that I was very bright and she hopes to see me enroll in the Job Corps College Program. I've been considering it. Maybe I will do that after advanced training and get my AA degree. Then if I still want to, I can go into the coast guard and become an officer. :-) I think I'd do well in college.
P.S.
My social life is a little rocky right now in case any of you were wondering. But I'm doing my best to work things out. And if I'm careful and considerate, things might turn out the way I hoped after all.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Home sweet... Job Corps?
Day 119--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I'm finally back at Job Corps. And first thing I realized once I started unpacking is that some clothes were missing from the ones I left here. Some Sequim sweatpants, my football sweatshirt, double kneed carhartts, Mom's snowflake pj's she sent me a while back, and some assorted sports/ work out clothing. A little bummed but I'll have to live.
I'm almost kind of relieved to be back. At home I struggled to find a purpose to my life. Like there was nothing for me to want, need, or pursue. I moped around on the couch most of the time and I didn't get to see all the people I wanted to see which I'm a little disappointed but that's what happens when you can't drive legally. At least here at Job Corps, I don't have to find something to do to be busy. I just always have something that needs to be done, even if I'm at a constant high stress level. I need to find a median...
I must have been a pretty different person when I came home. Mom, her caregiver, and even my friends noticed a change. Whether it's good or bad I'm not sure. But hopefully I've brought a little bit of the home me back into my life to stay because for a minute there I almost completely lost myself. I don't like the person I become here; anxious, high strung, and pessimistic, just to name a few. I just keep prayin for a little bit more strength.
It was good to be home but it didn't really feel like my home anymore. I felt like I was staying as a guest in my mom's house. Everything is different. The house is remodeled, there are new hardwood floors, my room has new furniture, the chickens aren't even the ones I raised (all but one was eaten and mom got new ones). All these things are good changes. And I'm happy for Mom because I know that she's very excited about it. But it's different for me. Then again, I never really knew the house anyway. We'd moved in April, so I only lived there like 4 or 5 months before I came to Job Corps.
Not only the house, but my friends and even town itself is different. My stepsister Mikayla is living with her boyfriend, Ryan moved, Zach lives with Jeremy, Monica is back in Sequim while her husband, Nathan, is in texas doing Airforce stuff. There's a new Taco Bell, and Ross is comin in along with Bargain Market. They built all new buildings right downtown and they've added an entirely new apartment complex between 101 Diner and Walgreens. I was only gone 3 1/2 months! All different from the Sequim I called home...
So for now I kind of feel like I'm floating around, waiting for my place in this world to be known to me so I may feel right again. I guess that's what happens when you grow up. You can't really appreciate all the warmth and comfort and security your childhood brought until it's not there anymore. I wish that I could go back sometimes. Maybe to the second or third grade, when you're so busy enjoying living that you don't have time to worry if you're living the right way.
The last weekend before coming back to Job Corps, I decided to go visit Jamie in Ellensburg. I'd had enough playing house and I was anxious to be back with a friendly face (sorry Mom, I love you, but you don't count). The Greyhound sucked, I hate the city and the bus was an hour late. I was nervous because I'd never ridden Greayhound before and I've heard some bad stories, but I met some nice people from Tennesee and they helped me out and gave me some coaching. I ended up getting to Ellensburg with me and my bags in one piece.
So Jamie and I spent the last three days... well, doing pretty much nothing, but at least I was doing nothing with someone. I got Jamie a new sweatshirt and some Caterpillar keys for Christmas. Now before you ask or wonder, the answer is no, he didn't get me anything. I don't really mind because that's not what Christmas is about. Besides, I had a good amount of money and nothing really to spend it on, so I spent most of it on gifts for my friends and family.
We didn't do anything for the New Year, just stayed up watching movies and watched some fireworks from the window. I do have New Year's Resolutions though. It's to relax, believe in myself and others, and not worry about so much all the time. It seems I'm going to have to write it on my forehead and stick it to my back so people can remind me what they are. I've only been here a few hours and I'm already stressin' out. I have a hard time remembering that even if things don't turn out they way I carefully and painstakingly planned, it's not the end of the world and the sky will not fall. I'm always worried I'm going to bother the people around me because I'm such a pessimist, but maybe if I didn't worry about it so much, people wouldn't think I was pessimistic. Funny how a cycle like that is so easy to start, and so much harder to break. Good news is, they go hand in hand and if you get rid of one negetivity, you'll get rid of the other.
Anyway, Jamie and I made it on the bus to head back here at 1530 today and ironically, it was the shortest bus ride of my life. When you think about it, I wasn't leaving anything behind. My old life is already gone.
So I'm finally back at Job Corps. And first thing I realized once I started unpacking is that some clothes were missing from the ones I left here. Some Sequim sweatpants, my football sweatshirt, double kneed carhartts, Mom's snowflake pj's she sent me a while back, and some assorted sports/ work out clothing. A little bummed but I'll have to live.
I'm almost kind of relieved to be back. At home I struggled to find a purpose to my life. Like there was nothing for me to want, need, or pursue. I moped around on the couch most of the time and I didn't get to see all the people I wanted to see which I'm a little disappointed but that's what happens when you can't drive legally. At least here at Job Corps, I don't have to find something to do to be busy. I just always have something that needs to be done, even if I'm at a constant high stress level. I need to find a median...
I must have been a pretty different person when I came home. Mom, her caregiver, and even my friends noticed a change. Whether it's good or bad I'm not sure. But hopefully I've brought a little bit of the home me back into my life to stay because for a minute there I almost completely lost myself. I don't like the person I become here; anxious, high strung, and pessimistic, just to name a few. I just keep prayin for a little bit more strength.
It was good to be home but it didn't really feel like my home anymore. I felt like I was staying as a guest in my mom's house. Everything is different. The house is remodeled, there are new hardwood floors, my room has new furniture, the chickens aren't even the ones I raised (all but one was eaten and mom got new ones). All these things are good changes. And I'm happy for Mom because I know that she's very excited about it. But it's different for me. Then again, I never really knew the house anyway. We'd moved in April, so I only lived there like 4 or 5 months before I came to Job Corps.
Not only the house, but my friends and even town itself is different. My stepsister Mikayla is living with her boyfriend, Ryan moved, Zach lives with Jeremy, Monica is back in Sequim while her husband, Nathan, is in texas doing Airforce stuff. There's a new Taco Bell, and Ross is comin in along with Bargain Market. They built all new buildings right downtown and they've added an entirely new apartment complex between 101 Diner and Walgreens. I was only gone 3 1/2 months! All different from the Sequim I called home...
So for now I kind of feel like I'm floating around, waiting for my place in this world to be known to me so I may feel right again. I guess that's what happens when you grow up. You can't really appreciate all the warmth and comfort and security your childhood brought until it's not there anymore. I wish that I could go back sometimes. Maybe to the second or third grade, when you're so busy enjoying living that you don't have time to worry if you're living the right way.
The last weekend before coming back to Job Corps, I decided to go visit Jamie in Ellensburg. I'd had enough playing house and I was anxious to be back with a friendly face (sorry Mom, I love you, but you don't count). The Greyhound sucked, I hate the city and the bus was an hour late. I was nervous because I'd never ridden Greayhound before and I've heard some bad stories, but I met some nice people from Tennesee and they helped me out and gave me some coaching. I ended up getting to Ellensburg with me and my bags in one piece.
So Jamie and I spent the last three days... well, doing pretty much nothing, but at least I was doing nothing with someone. I got Jamie a new sweatshirt and some Caterpillar keys for Christmas. Now before you ask or wonder, the answer is no, he didn't get me anything. I don't really mind because that's not what Christmas is about. Besides, I had a good amount of money and nothing really to spend it on, so I spent most of it on gifts for my friends and family.
We didn't do anything for the New Year, just stayed up watching movies and watched some fireworks from the window. I do have New Year's Resolutions though. It's to relax, believe in myself and others, and not worry about so much all the time. It seems I'm going to have to write it on my forehead and stick it to my back so people can remind me what they are. I've only been here a few hours and I'm already stressin' out. I have a hard time remembering that even if things don't turn out they way I carefully and painstakingly planned, it's not the end of the world and the sky will not fall. I'm always worried I'm going to bother the people around me because I'm such a pessimist, but maybe if I didn't worry about it so much, people wouldn't think I was pessimistic. Funny how a cycle like that is so easy to start, and so much harder to break. Good news is, they go hand in hand and if you get rid of one negetivity, you'll get rid of the other.
Anyway, Jamie and I made it on the bus to head back here at 1530 today and ironically, it was the shortest bus ride of my life. When you think about it, I wasn't leaving anything behind. My old life is already gone.
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